Golden Herashio

The "Nature" "Rain" that is "Desire"

2008-08-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

I am near her, but her heart is far from me.
I reach for her, but get only mist.
She wants me but can't take me.
She likes me but will not say.
I prosue her, but never the prey.
She longs for my company, but never my touch.
Things have been said, the feelings know
A descition must be made, for my heart is weak
So see the smiling face, filled with hollowed eyes.
The ropes hold me, my chains keep me.
Why won't she free me.
Maybe her friends are right,
Just a filler for her heart.
just a shadow of who she wants.
Then does she even see me?
Has she ever meet me?
I know that I know not her other.
But I am one hip brother
poetry, looks, wit, and charm
Passion, charity, insight, and guitar
Adventures, and daring, Spontanious, and Rightous.
Sure I might be lacking in
spelling, grammer, reading speed, humility, forsight, and ablity to side step pain.
Always the marter, never the healed, always the healer and many others.
Yet, still not enough to warent a feeling of being wanted.
Sure I feel like, but not desired.
A good friend, not a lover
I've seen to much and learned to little
I've fallen to deep, and thought to shallow
I've rushed ahead, while she was still unsure.
Now I wait to see if she will...

2008-08-06T00:19:00.000-07:00

Why now? Why her? No body for so long. Nothing that spark my passion or breathed new life into these weary lungs. Now as my time slips away I see her. A trick of the mind maybe? A sign my fant heart is give out? NO something more. Something real. Not a passing fancy, or a lust filled desire. I long to know her more then feel her. I wish to be known to her. To touch her would be asking to much.

I feel like I'm been walking eternally thought a desert, and am now only finding water. It is to much for my partched lips.

The time ticks away however and this sweet water is not mine. It belongs to another...no it belongs to no one but it's self, but it seems to be with another.

I desert call me back, but my feet will not listen. It would be to say that I love her, far to much indeed. For love is based on experiance and knowlage, acceptance. It would not be lust, for lust is a carnal thing, unthinking and selfish. One of physical nature and pleasures nothing more. so far it's been mostly pain, but i want more. I wish the best for her, for her happiness, if only she know and I would do my best to bring it to her, yet she does not. so I try to help but I seem to only confound. for I know not this other man. I can only be who I am, promise the things I am, that I can offer. If she has a better offer I wish her to take it. For her Happiness is what matters not mine.

Some have said i like playing the marter, they might be right. For I see little falk in it. I argue what I want, but will always give way for anothers happiness. this life sucks so much already and if I can take pain on myself so that others might find some water for their lips so be it.

I fear the fool however. I've played him to many a time. She doesn't seem the type however.

I can't explain the feeling, my thoughts are swimming with her. The simply thought of her makes my heart skip a beat. I find it hard to breath around her. all those stupid clease make sense. every min she is not around I long for her. The world seems cold. It's a hall of madness and dout. Fear and sorrow theatens to bring me down, but then I see her. Words can not express the waves of joy simply see her brings. To be held under water till your last bit of air is taken from you, thenat that moment thurst into the open air. To have it rush into your lungs and know that you can breath deep agian. To know that your life for another moment and nothing could be better, that pales to the feelings she breeds in me, but is the only simalie I can reason.

What now? the endless torment of wheather I will be able to drink agian. Is it better to have loved and lost? Well i can't say but I can't say that I've loved. I do think I know that love is real, even if I'm not sure what it is. That alone might be worth the trouble, and if she allows and the fates are kind. I'll get another chance to breath freely, drink deeply, and kiss softly. if only...if only..

after test girl

2007-11-18T00:42:00.000-08:00

There was a girl dancing as I left my test, She was innocetly, ockwardly dancing. Like A child not sure how the moves go, doing them corectly, just small, Wearing a hoodly jeans and a smile I loved her. Not in the lustful sense, or the casueal moring sky, no but as in a longing for simpler times, simpler purer things, that Wanted for her to be real, real the way I saw her there, but there was no way for me to find out w/ out shattering the dream, but I have the memory of her forever daninging to the killers (under the gun) to keep me content till the grave claimes me.

Friday Night Lites

2007-11-11T01:21:00.000-08:00

I called to be friends, to check up and just make some small talk, nothing much expected just a bit of information and a kid word. I got the information but felt burned and cast aside. There are a thousand of excuses and reasons for the conversation to have gone the way it did, not much said nothing much felt, but burned I still feel. Know not why a small spark could scold my thick skin, but scold I am. Anger was never my suit and rational never a stranger. Clam is in constant companion, but she seems to have stepped out. Maybe it's the intrigue of it all? Thoughts were thought to be understood, actions w/ in reason, but logic had a loop hole. Words where spoken, things where applied, shock grasped my tongue and words damned my mouth. The conversation ended and the blood spilled. Now bleeding that I am, I apologies for running your shirt. I've misjudged before and will do so again, just more spilled milk. To know I've been hurt wish to let them know, but that's simply inviting more pain, fool my twice. Then again who wishes to mistrust.

The sorrow that no one else care about.

2007-11-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

The angels that I see dancing around are breath taking. I see their face and hear their voice, yet I want their soul. The sweet smell that accompanies the fairer gender is divine and strokes the passion in me, but if she has none? What good is a heart if it doesn't skip a beat every now and then? What good are the silk skinned ladies with soft eyes and a warm touch, if I reach for the feelings not the form?

To the Girl who Can not BE

2007-06-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

She is differnet then all the rest. Same lies or new words, ones with meaning. It's not her face the filles my mind, but her luagh mixing with my own. She's not the siren calling from the rocks neither is she the temptest in saten red. To have never seen his face makes it harder, for he could be anyone. Good, bad, or apathic to universal situations. She is not the book that does not wish to be read, nor is she the play that's not to be seen. No she is the book being read by another, the sold out show. The reader has to be good for her wisdome is absolute. It can't be willfully hoped for the blatent down fall of one from one state to another.

Sleep demands my soul

deeper then we must

2007-05-15T03:50:00.000-07:00

Nothing more pathetic then for a man once strong trying to make his life seem right. For a man once strong sought to mix heart and brain. To mix the modern ambrosia. He dove deep and saw much, yet what he sought was always just out of view. He reached the end of his rope and did what one felt he must. The weak suck deeper and ran out of heart. Now trapped in a deep windowless room he tried to find up. His rope had been cut but there where still many other stings he could follow home, to many. His holy grail of logic said they where all the same, there was no up, no down, left was right and right was left. To be anywhere else would be just different as it would to be no place. Tied now to that place by his winding path he became lost in his calculations to see the surface not to be seen.

A dive to far

2007-05-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

I've never really given up on my childish thoughts. I've given in to them being childish and even admitted that they are best tossed aside, but they cling to me to tightly, like a sticker that move from one finger to the next. Like the tree the growns around the feance it was plated next to so have I with my thoughts. It's funny how you just breakdown waiting on some sign. I've done manythings just to please those around me. I have broken my back just so I don't have to wipe tears. I have taken the wrong road many a time cause I thought it was right or I told myself it's easier then confatation. @ the young age of 23 I am like an old man set in my ways. I have not once however confessed to believe somethig that I do not, Not to say that I haven't lied for I have and still do more then I am willing to admit, yet I have not confessed to hold to something I did not know was there. I do not cling to my belifes I support them and they me. I hold no untold truths or great answers, but simple questions and unanswers thoughts.

Some times you want a new perspective so you try to change your windows view. This time it lead to nothing but more trouble. The unkissed girl as I call her. I placed my self knowly into a situation I could not win, very britsh like of me. Maybe it was the challenge, maybe it was the desire to sucome, maybe just to not be alone for the lonly tend to seek out the lonly. I found a bit of my old self. I missed him but wished we had meet under different sercumstates. Like old friends at a ferual we wished we could meet in happier times. Now w/ a 6hr drive to double guess myself I cusse the lack of a radio for distracktion. Here I am feeling bad forher, for having driving so far and not meeting what I thought her expectaction might have been. The drive well be good and she will be fine.

Another day another chance to get it right

2006-11-29T11:35:00.000-08:00

The snow fell softly on my sleeping bed last night. Drifting down slowly, dancing in the moonlight and piling up in anticipation of the breaking day. This morning like each morning was soft, sweet, and cold. My mind lied to it's self and I let it tell me I was somewhere else. Music my morning coffee, the frozen air my morning meal. Like a winter rose I'm a victim of the fall, but I'm soon returning.

rough draft

2006-11-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

The city seemed to be stuck in a state of perpeual darkness. No one moved, no one made a sound. The stars could not be see this night for the smoke and ash blocked out what little light they offered.

Laten awoke to the noise of a building crumbling in the distance. He reached for grace who was not there. He muscles ach as he slowly pushed himself up. Nothing seemed broken and nothing twisted. Takening a quick look around showed nothing of interest, just a typical tight ally snug between two increable large buildings. it showed nothing of what had really happend in the city, it seemed almost untiuched by time. A smierk came to lathansels face as he thought that this ally might be the only thing he was able to save in the city. It looked like it was snowing as he walked out into the street. The ash fell slowly from the sky dancing in the few street lights that still worked. The city was so peaceful now it was like a child now settled into a peacefuly slumper, but the city would not awake from this sleep. The streets where filled with the peoples cars still trying to flee the city. The sides of the road held the people in their last despreate attpemp to out run the death that most ceriaty had caught them. Walking down the street he tried to not look at or think about all these people he failed. He had failed taskes he had been given before, but had never been around to see the after math. This task however he did not fail, just the people in this city. Countless lives had been saved by his actions, yet it looked like to many had paid the price for his falts. Anger built in him as he turned a corner to yet another street filled with yet many more people. So much anger and sorrow that his mind had trouble keeping track of who the sorce was. Anger at himself for failing, anger at those he worked for for only seanding him. The sounds of buildings here and there falling apart felt with his own feelings. In time he came to where he had last seen grace. There was not much there, only a giant creater where city hall had been. It was shocking to think that nothing had surived that, nothing nother then himself. He guessed he had been tossed at least 15 blocks and had lived some how. He found her stuck hilt deep into a wall in the edge of the creater. A look of remorse show on the face etred into the blade. "I know dear, but maybe next time we can do better." He pulled her free and placed her back at his side. took one last look around at the city and was gone, never to behold it's eternal slumber agian.

Doomed to walk Awake

2006-11-26T03:03:00.000-08:00

I have found that I can not sleep. As of now it is 4am and I still find that sleep flees from me. It has been like this for many weeks now. I find the internet both a blessing and a curse, for while it gives something for my mind to do in these wee hours, it also hides filth around every corner. This evening I spent a few hours writing which was restfully and brought joy to my soul. I then spent sometime checking up on firends and family, but after this is where the trouble started. I started "surfing the net." I would look up one topic or another and find that people are trully disturbed. I understand the many risks that come with looking into my many interests in anime and games. I never find any obsecen websites about liture or classic art, why must gamers be such perverts? It is getting to the point where I fear google. I run the risk now of being to honest with unknow readers, but the risk I must take. I am an averge man, made not of stone and flawed more then I can bear to mention. So while I shun from the carner things of the world I do it not because I know I am better, but because I know their dangers. I would be a drunk if I drank, I would be a gambler if I rolled the dice. I would be a drity old man if I had no conviction or self respect. So when things getted tossed in my face I am ashamed to say that I am sometimes slow to push them aside. I get angery and the people and places that do this, but I get angery at myself for falling into such a trap that I knew was there, and not getting out of it when I could. To be Zen, to trap and train my monkey mind. Yet that monkey is fast, fat and lazy. Maybe I need a monkey whip?

A lump of meat that pumps

2006-10-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

I sat next to her in class, for no other reason then I like to be close to things that I fin bueatful or interesting. That's all she was to me, just another pretty face in a crowd. As the class got more boring I found my mind wondering to other places. It rested upon the thoughts of the bueaty next to me. I wondered who she was, what stired her emotions and what broght joy to her life. These thoughts and ideas built upon themself till there was nothing left but thoughts of who she really was. Now one must understand I am by no means a "ladies man". I can hold my own in the aren of love and well will leave it at that. So the only way to find out if she was who I was making her out to be was to ask her. Which is what I did, I asked her for her number and a few other basic questions. She gave it to me, but the tone of her voice made it sound like she was scaried, so while I am still interested in who she is, nothing more then that would ever come of it. A girls got to have some atitued to keep me interested, plus if she fears a simply conversation she won't last every long with me in any other thing that life brings.

well now that it's over

2006-10-01T02:08:00.000-07:00

I think now that people have given up on this thing I might give it a second go.

I've had rabbit in my blood for some time now, yet with school and work breaking my legs I must not run. I miss the people I have meet in my travles. My mind wonders to how their lifes are progressing. Some may say to use the phone, and to some I might say "shut it". For the phone is souless and rips the heart from conversations, just like TV is heartless and rips the soul from my body. I wish to see New Zealand, I wish to dive to washington and have a vodo donut. I want to hope over to utah and catch up on all the happings of the many I care for there. How is kelsey doing? I always wonder but never mind the words to ask. Is Vasu still living and loving life, is he still luaghing load and making those around him luagh loud also. Does he beard ill will to me for the wrongs I have wrote upon him. What of Mika? for a girl I knew nothing about I thought so highly of her. Does brei still not want to be told what to do? Would I still want to drink from the head of erica? And does she still know what that means? IS dave still as wildly entertaining as a baby bring punched? Is sarah still broken? is Amanda still queen fragger? Did Reed ever know how great I thought he was? Does fai know that she was always an insperation to me? And Su, I think I'll always have some kind of crush on you, but will she know? will she care? Will chi ever be free of her own self dout? Will she ever think as much of herself as I do of her? Will I ever have a heated debt with dye again? Will I ever play with susanE agian? Does robort know that I think he is the funniest person I know?

One might think of this as depressing, as will it is. For it's the thoughts that drive me hands to the wheel. Life is to much to retale by way of a phone. Life has to be lived, and I wish to live it with all those above and many more. nothing more can be said

2006-06-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

What do I owe to others?

2006-06-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

I see this world in ruin. People are white walls and decivers even to themselves. One sees injustic daily and finds little they can do about it, others simply do not care. My mind is filled with Sun Tzu, Ghandi, Mormon, and many others. Each seem to have a different view of things that they convice me of. I feel like a caged tiger, poke and praded to anger and action, but still I am in that cage that school kids come to see me in. People say that I have the firse and passion of youth, but if that is true why are the streets not on fire? And if that is true when does that fire die for I wish to be consumed by it before that happens. If only youth want to radicaly change the world then what sense is it to grow old. It makes me question the idea of older people being wiser. We can't make war over morals and eithics? Why not it seems like a much better reason to fight then anything else. One can not fight a rightous war if the people waging it however are not rightous themselves. I am in a schooling for the only thing that I have had talent for outside of video games, but I do not see how I am going to be helping anyone. People might say that I could helo things to tun, or make something that betters life. Well what's the point in that if the people useing it are broken. We could end the use of oil in our car and engins, but we simply keep useing the black poison. WE could end world hunger, but we only get fatter and fatter as a nation. I had to toss out two shopping carts full of cake the other day, simply cause they where to old. People are being bought and sold in other counties and here I sit eating walffles. The american family is broken and charity is a joke. As you might be able to tell I am a bit frustared. Do not misunderstand me I think america is great. No other nation can compare with it, but that does not mean that their are not very large problems both inside and outside our walls. Heck we have some of the largest drugs, alchole and porn issues is all the world. I can't think of what to do so I write. I write this things for no one but me in hopes of seeing something that I do not notice.

Don't read into this.

2006-05-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

In this world that is so unwhole, you must fight to save your soul.
There are some that will give up to easy,
there are those who give up before they belive.

If you have the whole world but lose your soul, you can never really be whole.
If we lose one friend, then what have we? One person can not save another, each has to save themselfes. We can help and guid but a door to the soul can never be forced open.

If I gain the world but lose a friend then I'll never be able to make it to the end.
If I stand up stright and keep the way, will every one also be saved.
If I follow some forsaken path, Can I be sure I will not cave.

What is heaven if your all alone, what is hell then if not your home.
If I do what is right by me, then will others also be free.
If I do what I'm told, will others keep to the road.

Who is doomed to walk this line, Is this path no ones but mine.
If I falter left, or right. Who might I lose.
If I could fall right or left, who might I chose.

This is nothing but meaningless, or maybe it's heaven sent.
If

No time to hope, simply act

2006-05-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

He was broken. The fall from the tree helped but it was the ones that he thought where is friends that finished the job. With no one to help soften the blow of reality he was left on his own. Scorend by his own kin and look down upon by socity se started to belive what they also thought of him. Soon his out ward apparence started to take shape of what he felt like inside. LIfe grew to be nothing but pain and loneliness so he tired to end it, but he couldn't even do that which only lead to more attempts at it. Time slowly sliped away as I sipped drinks on a island with pretty girls all the time he wondered in the desert of despar and sorrow. I saw a friend fall once and while I wanted so bad to jump after her and take the chance of helping her I did nothing but watch as she fell from view. I can no longer watch such a thing. It is easier to jump after a firend with the asuerity of pain, agonay, and a chance of hope. Then to stand there and watch a friend fall. He has been lost in that desert for so long I hope he can hold out long enogh for me to reach him. I am filled with weakness but I will reach him even if my body falls apart around me. No one can stop me, I just hope I have the time to cover the distance I need to cover.

Blah, blah, blah

2006-04-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

I have not really kept this thing what one would call "updated". With my laptop going the way of all the earth I have lost allot my my writings for the digital world and had to go with pen a paper when I can. I really like this format but this format almost never gets read. It can't really be read cause my penmenship is very bad and my spelling is less then perfect. This past week I went up to Utah and saw friends and family that I had not seen for awhile. Out of sight out of mind has always been a thing with me. I have never thought to much about it, but it really hit home why I do this when I went up there. Mybrother and I are on two different paths that simply are not going to the same places. I love him more then anything and he makes my mind explode every time we talk. He being as great as he is found the one women that is almost to good for him. She is like the physical embodiedment of happiness. She is made from suger and spice, you know everything nice. There is also Kuni which is the only man I have everment that makes me trully happy simply being around. As my brother said once he could kill someone and would still go to heaven, cause he only would have done it to help someone else some how. And this Kuni guy is married to this girl that is also just as cool, who gave birth to the happiest little thing and loves everyone and everything but me. Then there is Su and all her crazy roommates that are well interesting. Su broght me rambutons, while she was holding them in her hands I thought I could have no greater love. She is pretty, smart, funny and brings fruit what more could you want in a friend. Also Danny of the balls lives in this magic land. Danny is right up there with kuni that no matter what just being around him is very entertaing.

What am I saying here well if I block you out it not cause I hate you it's cause I got things to do and I know I can't stand not being around my my friends. it drives one mad.

What is this thing here, rushing past me...

2006-03-12T00:18:00.000-08:00

Well I had an argument with a man that did does not exist about if my soul shared the same fate as him. He would not stand for my apathy however cause he said that I could never know how it would feel to be him. So while I could put off his problems as nothing, he could not. I had to agree with him and that was that. I fight for tomorrow and he fights for him self. He believes that if he stops living then all that is left is death and he fears it so greatly. I try to tell him that it can't be that bad for it seems that allot of people have gone though the same thing and I haven't heard any complaints. He simply keep saying how none of us are getting out of here alive, and my attitude was causing him to get angry it seemed. Anyone could tell this man was bothered and his feelings where only heightened by his growing fear of loneliness as he found no one of like mind. Try as I might I could not become passionate about such a thing however cause I cared little one way or the other. There are many topics that I can speak for hours on and many of them even get heated over, this simply had no hold upon my heart. I have spent the last few months being broken down by those I tried to befriend. On every turn I was bruised and broken in one way or another. I had ripped part of myself off and tossed it to the dogs in hopes to feed their souls for awhile. I had reached for beauty only to grasp dirt. With my head held underwater I still tried to beat those devils of sorrow. Now here was this man trying to fight with me about the here after. He could not see how I was not worried and I could not see how he had the time to worry about it. I thought about what made his life so wonderful that he thought the best use of his time was to simply worry about losing it. I wondered what trials and pains crafted his ideas. What would make him kill his brother for some bread, and kill him he did for this mans fear rested in the unknown, well that's not right I honestly don't know if he knew what comes after or not. My fears seem to rest with matters in this world not how I get to the next or if it even is there. People don't worry if their destination is there once they are on their plane and I have never been one to pack.

He and I wanted the same thing to have the other comfort us. We each had made choices that bothered us, but we could not tell the other what those choices where. The fear of having even a stranger know our personal sins was more then our mouths could let go. When ever the words would come the lips would shut them in and the tongue push them back down. So what could be done, we both just sat there giving endless words, saying nothing and never understanding each other. Why did we stay there for so long? maybe in hopes of becoming friends for it's a common belief that one can share more with friends and if this man could misshape himself into someone I knew them maybe I could have him tell me I was not wrong. I thought this foolishly for even if he could become a friend it would simply mean that the lies would flow easier between us two. I am not saying that a friendship is based on lies, but on comfort. In a friendship things aren't needed to be said and so we get to the point where we don't say things we feel we need to say cause it might cause us to lose that comfort. It is almost like once you fear you might lose something you have already lost it. Fear is such a funny little thing, and funny like getting kick in the goods.

Well so as I was saying there I was sitting in the rain with this man that never was there talking about if I was alone sitting there while he and my soul where off playing in my minds eye. We got to talking about how I had to have a soul for it had once been cut. He talked about how he was being cut as I was writing this, it was something symbolic that I don't think most people will understand, but maybe they don't need to. So he brought up the topics of girls which always comes up with strangers for some reason. It's like they never seem to have any luck so they want to compare score cards. I have come to the belief that no one is in the black in such areas. It's as mythical as unicorns and Eskimos. So i brought him comfort after a little bit. talking about women always starts off slow cause one doesn't want to find out that he is the only one watching TV with a bunch of guys every Friday night, but once it is understood that most people spend their evenings like that the stories come easily. It becomes fun, you tell your heart breaking stories for the first time as something other then heartbreaking. They become humorous and enjoyable. It almost makes one go out and get more, but you get your wits back before that happens. After the laughter the rain stopped and the bus came. He stopped thinking about if he was really there or not, but I still fought for tomorrow.

Fight The man

2006-02-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

The man in this case being me. In many points in ones life we are our own worst enemy. I am angery at people I have little reason to be angery with. I am hurt over a girl I should not have feelings for. I feel played by another that never wanted to play. I want answers to questions I do not want to ask. I want to be above such things and want others to not tread places in my mind I have already told them I wish them not to go. Call me a prude if you will but I don't want to her about overs love life in detail or other wise for the most part. Leave me in my bubble and don't be surprised if I get angery if you pop it. How do I feel today well here it is:
I want to believe in myself once again
So I dream of a man whose hopes never end
To kiss with a girl who's as lovely as you
I'd give you my heart, if you gave me the truth
And for every tear that is lost from an eye
I'd dig me a well where no man could destroy
I want to believe in a freedom that's bold
But all I remember is the freedom of old
This mess in my head is a mess getting out
But after a while, when my mouth's not so dry
I'll dance up a storm, sure life's looking fine
But as darkness falls, I return to my bed
Don't ask me more questions, don't mess with my head
I've been down in this world, down and almost broken
The buildings they shake but my heart it beats still
So next time you see me, don't ask for my name
For I am the King and sure long may I reign
I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

It does really rhym and makes little sense I am sure but it's the same with these feelings.

A girl unnamed

2006-02-26T01:15:00.000-08:00

what can be done for I fear that this battle I am fighting can not be won. I have fallen in like with a girl that I do not think I can, or should fall in like with. She is out of my reach in one way or another. Idon't think this will make any sense for it is mis thoughts given to misunderstanding made into text for with ill construled thoughts to place them on your screen. My mind is distrest however, for I am jumping at showdows. I might simply be putting off my feelings for other things bothering me and setting them all on the mismeasure of women in my life. Then what can be done right? This girl however is someone speical to me, I want to fall for her madly and her for me. I do not want to to lose her as a firend however. Is she just another muse, or is she something more. I reach for other women around me but they seem to pale in my mind when ever I think of her. In all honestly I am not sure why, for I know little about her. I know that she is strong however and that she is pure of heart and caring. Thier is little I know about her however, like is she smart, is she passate, does she read, does she get lost in deep thought. Her bueaty is leagenady, but looks are nothing. I wil still comment on this nothing however cause they still matter at the start of a relationship. How can I discribe it, I mean suprisingly bueatyful is the best I can put it. I don't mean this like the few times I have heard it before. I mean she bueaty is like the sun if you look stright at her, face to face, it is simply glourues. Words are nothing compared to her face. The mind can not capture such bueaty in it's limited memory ablities. Eveytime you see her it's like the first time, it's like the first and last breath you'll every take and you both wish to never look away and hide for you don't feel ... well worthy. Not that your a sinner or such but that God poured his mighties craftmenship into her magnifacent faceand you feel almost sorry that you didn't ask his permission or thank him every sec your alive for such a chance. But once agian all of that is nothing if emotionally and adiuoly there is nothing. She becomes nothing more then art in motion and even the best statue can't keep the mind filled and interested. So One must toe pick it up and reach for the gold.

update time, update time

2006-02-17T00:07:00.000-08:00

you do not need to fear
when I am near
still be brave
I know you will not cave.
for I am near
there is no need to fear
while I am not needed
nor am I heeded
you do not need to fear
for I am near
you are strong, smart, and wise
you need no help with devils in your lives
I know you will not fear
but still I am always here.

I need to free my mind.
for while your presents is sublime,
the withdraw is just to much.
not to mention I have a hunch,
that I am not the one
that rises and sets your sun.
I am just another boy,
your little play toy.
you use to past the time
for you are never to be mine
I will not morn the day
simply lock these emotions away
I will kiss them good bye
in the hopes that they will die
these words will never find your ears
for this shell holds far to many fears

I have no way with words,
but they are all I have.
Do not take me as hubris,
but I know the man I am.
You will not find a man
more gentle or kind.
You could look the world over
and could not find someone who
could treat you better then I.
This is neither a poem, nor story.
I simply like writing in this format.

What would it take to get a reply,
to get a glint of hope from your eye.
You leave me paralyzed,
you leave me hypnotized,
Words never do,
for a beauty such as you.
What has grown this affinity?
it's what you give me, sweet serenity.bar

If I could chose to be anything,
I'd be the one to herald in the spring,
The flowers, colurs, smells, sights and sound.
Is almost as nice, as when you are around.

Well what can be said, If God loves you like he does me then he'll let you in on KT Tunstall. Watch the video before you steal the song. Belive me it is worth it.

it doesn't matter what I say
you don't care anyway
I could write a million words
but still my voice would go unheard
my words are just no good
for your heart of amber wood
I want to set that heart on fire
with the passion of desire
I'm looking for that magic spark
to light your eyes in this dark
they say "angels with silver wings
shouldn't know suffering"
This statment I will fulfill
for I could hide my feelings in a hill
but still they would seep through
and find their way to you.

Well about a week ago we (we being steve, ed, and I) went to the jhemz to go repling. Well by the end of it all my pants had ripped into two, I feel through the frozen river we where walking on three times, and almost got impaled by a tree that while missing me got stuck into the ice nicly. It was one of the best times there.

To write no more.

2006-02-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have not been keeping this up to date cause I have limited my internet acess. My brother always said that the TV suxs out your soul. I always agreed with him. I would like to add to that however I feel that any monitor like thing can suck out your soul. I spent coutless hours on the net simply wasting time like so many americans do in front of their tv's. I have still been writing but in a much simplier form. At some point I will find time to transfer them over to a digital format. On the up side I have fallen in love with the girl across from me in the computer lab. She has blue hair, do I need to say more. The thought of aproching her and asking her name is simple something I do not wish to do. Sure fear is a part of it, but I think that shattering my idea picture is a larger part. For at the moment she is everything that I think she is, kind, funny, smart. She will stay that way to me, unless I go up to her and find out if I am right or wrong. Some would say that she might be just who I think she is. That she is everything that a man like me could want and more, well maybe your right. I simply do not wish to date any one right now I think. Then agian there are those who would say that I am playing the hand of a hermit to hide my yellow color. On the other hand there would be some that would say that their isn't even a girl sitting across from me at all.

maybe cake?

2006-01-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

oh I love cake, I mean I don't eat meat and I don't drink milk, but I still eat baked goods. Heaven is a moist cake. Oh man.. I mean holy crap it's so good. Honestly it help my testimoy. It's proof that god loves me right there in nice little slices.

some pics for the coolest girl in japan.

2006-01-26T22:27:00.000-08:00

A pic I made for a final. the best flowers ever.

Me in hawaii looking mad. Me in hawaii as gay as can be.

My golden locks.
Well that should do for now. I will give a photo review of the past year later, but just be happy for now.

Curse these eyes.

2006-01-26T21:58:00.000-08:00

well really I only curse one. The right one if you really wish to know. I want to remove it from my head. I do not wish to do this like vincent. I wish to remove it cause it is causeing me such pain. I am not being symbolic here people. It keeps trying to jump out of my head and I am now starting to want to help it out. It has been doing this for a few days and I am seeing no end in sight well really I am not seeing much.

On to other things, these pain in my eye wouldn't be so bad if it was only pain. The thing is however that it causes me to be short temperd and ill willed. When people talk to be I am not as forgiving or wity as normal and these always leads to the question I hate more then anything "Are you really a man?" wait... no not that one, these one "Are you ok?" Heck no I'm not ok my eye is freaken twiching to some random beat that I can't hear. I can't understand why people ask that question. No one really cares if your ok for the most part if they ask that question. They want you to say yeah I'm peachy keen I just didn't sleep well but I'm ok now.

Ok I think I am coming off much more bitter then I think I really am. The agian I am just bitter enogh to notice it and not really care. woot woot. I wrote a flippen sweet poem today about life and the gosspel and that jazz. I am not putting it up however cause it does really fit the mode I have made. I am also sick of distance. I mean I have allot of friends in many different places that I have never seen face to face. I am also sick of the lasiness of others, are they really al that lasy well most likly not. I am raving however so lets keep the ball going. I mean no one here I know dates or wants to do crazy things. They all want to watch movies or just hang out. Well I want to set the world on fire, I want to go to playes and go dancing. I want see movies that I have to read and in the end am more confussed then when I went in. I want to get my heart broken and I want to not be alone in this. I want to love and I want to kindle my anger. I want to help strangers and I make randome people smile. I want to kill the beast of dout and dance on his grave in some public place. Is it so strang to wish for best out of others and myself. Is it also so bad to be upset that I do not get it out of either.

I guess all I am really asking is for people to join me in my advertures.

P.S. I am also sick of people (and by people I mean women) cutting all contact without notice. I understand the weirdness that is me. I understand that I am a "nice guy". I have been told I need a shirt that warings people of both. Well I haven't gotten one yet, still people have the decently to say that I freak you out. Heck it doesn't even have to be to my face. this is getting way to sad. Makes it sound like I can't get a date or that women run from me. that's not the case, but still I am troubled by the few cases that I know.

What's in this shell I call a man?

2006-01-16T22:50:00.000-08:00

I am called weird among many other things. I stop and smell the roses, I stare and the sky and wonder what it is to fly, and then I try. I am by no means like people want me to be. I see the world how I like and am not driven to one thing or another by any means. I am sure advertising temps me to get new shoes or drive that flashy car, but I am not the normal person. Their advertising has little affect on me. I think it has something to do with being rasied by video games and dreamers. I could not tell you one word of wisdom my mother or father ever gave me. I could not tell you any stories about how I learned by their example. All I know is what I am today, and who I wish to be tomorrow. I know that this came from them and those video games they let me spend hours on each day. I talked with a friend the other day, but I think I learned something from her that I never thought of before. I have been told many times that I have a hero complex, well it came out in the conversation with her that "maybe I'm just trying to gain a level". Well it might sound chessy, but maybe that is what I am doing. I am the hero in my own life story. I am not always happy, but I'm not always sad. With any good story there are ups and downs, the odd thing how ever is that I enjoy all the feelings I feel. I was angery the other day over something that I felt right to be mad over. Christ never said anger was wrong, heck God kindles his anger all the time, but the diff is that his is rightous while mine was confusstion base. I care for people I swear I do, I just have no follow though. Well today is gone and so is tomorrow. The road goes on continuting to narrow, and I'll walk it stright as an arrow. This is not the path that you might think, nither right nor wrong, simpley the path that leads to who I wish to be. This elosive man that I can not find, but contine to search all the time.

oh and have a great day.

May the world feel my joy

2006-01-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

The sun sets, but my hope does not
As the day presses on my faith was renewed.
I tie ribbons around necks
that drag women down to heck
why am I so happy then
well because I can save them again
For i tie it unknowingly,
ever so slowingly.
but quickly can I untie the knot,
bring her the happiness that I have sought

silly me kicks are for twits

2006-01-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have this friend named mike, and if you don't have a friend named mike I suggest you get one. They are really great and come in all shapes and sizes. Well mine is the nerd versen which really works best for me. Well he played medator or a girl I new that hated me. He really wanted to know what happend and I didn't really know myself. Did this stop him no, he did what had failed be in the past. Mike went and asked her. Well after finding out he told me about it, which is where his part in all this ends. Thanks mike. Well I discovered that she was angery at something that didn't make sense to me. All of the bitterness and anger on both sides was over something simply stuip. She had said something that I misunderstood. I tried to help something that was not in need of help. Here i was tring to build a house where one had already been. If you know anything about tring to sleep then you know it's hard when someone is putting holes in your house tring to build you one. Well the whole thing could ahve been simply fixed at the time if she would have told me I had misunderstood. Things would have also been fine if I wasn't always so gung ho about helping people. Should really look before you leap I guess. Anyways when I understod this I almost felt like lughing. I mean in every realationship there are misunderstandings and things left unsaid. No relationship is really ever has full closer. You get enogh to be happy and forget about it. The little things that bother you fade away with time. Some people need more closer then others and some people don't need any. Well the whole thing wouldn't have gone like it did if it hadn't been brought back up later. We had gone our different ways, but I was still trying to make a house where one was already. Now the care and understanding had faded and I was just some jerk knocking holes in her house. Well I would be angery also. So I hope things will get better. I know I'm ok and doing good. I am sure she is also. I mean at one point we dated and I only date great people. Which is while I know that she might still hate me, but I know that she will be fine.

4:30 still no sleep

2006-01-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

you say nothing, but set it in stone
wont be happy till I break every bone
time slipps away and brings more days
where nothing ever changes, it's still all the same

I had a girl once, and I tied a ribbion around her throat. The ribbon was tied to a stone that she could not lift. When I left her I left the ribbon. She is still in the water trying to get air. People wonder why I do not date, I wonder also. Is it cause I pitty the girls sinking into the deep blue or is it that I'm out of ribbon?

Vincet info

2006-01-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

Well first let me say that as you might have seen you are not getting all the vincents. You only get the ones I want you to have. Vincents story is unlike other that I have written before, mostly in the fact that I write his story purly for myself. I write many things that are not placed on this thing, more now days then before, but that is mostly due to their lack in quality. Vincent is different however, for the fact that he is pure to me. I give only his tales that others can not affect. Once a story or a poem is placed in public then what the author belives only becomes part of the meaning behind the story or poem. The writing takes on a life of it's own. You only get the part of Vincent that I think you might like to see that will not take away for him for me. I am greedy I know, but that's the glory of grace cause it makes life not far.

Vincent (part 7)

2006-01-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

Vincent finally found charity in the darkness. Vincent held her tight and she held him. They both laughed and Vincent swung charity in a circle as they held each other all the more. "I have been lonely for so long. I am so glad that I have finally found you." Charity held him like he held her at first but slowly let her grip slip. Vincent loosened his also putting her at arms length and tried to look at her. "what is wrong?" Charity forced herself free and pushed Vincent over. As he was trying to get up he was asking what was wrong. As Vincent had gotten himself to his hands and knees; Charity gave him a hard kick to the ribs sending Vincent back to the floor. Charity did not wait however after kicking him she ran back off into the darkness.

Vincent lied there for a long time. He so wanted to be bitter to wallow in his sorrow, he also wanted to be angry. To scream at charity for always using a abusing him. Finally he lent out a scream "Why did you kick me? Why did you push me away? What am I to you?" Vincent bit his lip and hit the ground over and over. "Why am I always the one to comfort you, to let you know that your beautiful, and then kicked to the curb once my purpose is filled? You hold me so warmly and make me feel at home, only to rip it from me once agian. Your words are kind at first and so are your actions, however you do this to me in the end" Vincent sat up and rubbed his side. After a bit he sat up and brushed himself off, fixed up his shirt and straighted his hair. As he started walking again he whisper "The thing that bothers me most is that I would still die for you."

Vincent (part 2)

2005-12-07T23:56:00.001-08:00

After a short walk, with the dancers still in full view, Vincent came upon a mirror. This mirror was large with a ornate golden frame. As he moved around it to see his reflection he was not his reflection but that of a girl in a wedding dress. She was getting ready and two women where helping her. At the bottom of the mirror, outside the reflection, sat a broken shell of a man. This man's knees where tucked to his chest with his arms wrapped around and his head buried in his knees absorbing the shakes of his sobs. Vincent paused at the mirror a moment thinking. With a heavy breath Vincent turn and left with the sobs drowning out the soft music of the waltz.

Vincent

2005-12-07T23:56:00.000-08:00

Nothing could be seen in this pitch black abyss. Nothing other then Vincent who could only be see by a pillar of light that followed him. Vincent strolled thought this abyss. Soft music quietly started in the distance so Vincent headed towards the sound causally. As Vincent approached the sound he saw Charity standing there alone. He took her hand and started to waltz around the darkness. There was nothing and no one, but them and the music. Vincent soon forgot the blackness around him and saw only charity. Charity then started to fade and in time was gone completely. Vincent kept the waltz going for a little while, but slowly came to a stop. Vincent soon saw many couples waltzing around the in the darkness being followed by those ire pillars of light. One man Vincent had know from his childhood was dancing with charity. Vincent hesitantly stepped back and turned to leave.

nothing of interst

2005-11-24T22:46:00.000-08:00

It's ture what they say, that you can never go home.

16 Tons

2005-11-07T11:04:00.000-08:00

Jim cleared his throut and reached into this pocket as he started down the ally. The night was cold and wet. You never saw it rain in this city, but everything was always wet. The only illumination was coming from the detestable neon lights that filled down town streets. Jim paused at a cross ally way and lend against the wall as he lit his cigarette. He blow the smoke straight up and out as he looked at where the stars should be. The filth and pollution of the city made a cloud that blocked out the stars and darkened the sun. Sure the day was brighter but not by much. Jim had read a few old books on stars; about how people use to worship them and such. "Well looks like we have blocked out your gods dear fellows, and ours also." Jim pushed himself off the wall and continued down towards the street. He squinted upon reaching it for the neon harlots where blinding. Jim continued his Sojourn passing broken men and drunken women. This city was a mess of dead and dying. Living her long enough made one apathitic. Jim did care to much about the human conditoin, at least not here, cause here he had a job.

Standing outside in his dirty old duster letting the water drip on him from the neon sign Jim looked at the doors and watched the people entering. Jim dropped his cigarette and crushed it with his toe. "Here we go, lets see what I got for them tonight." Jim went in thought the front, he was told all the time not to but he didn't care. This was his place and these people came to see him. Working his way into the back he stopped at the betting table to see the odds. Not good, not good at all. Jim had become a fighter by chance and never really liked the idea. Some women sell their body's for money when times get hard, well Jim was doing just that but in a different way. This would be Jim's third real fight. First didn't go so well, second was none the better. What ever luck Jim thought he had tonight left when he saw the other guy.

Ramblings of a ziff man.

2005-11-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

While spending some time with a few different people I came to a few conclusions. One of which is that I tire of women, well most of them anyways. I had thought in the past that the little list that they force us to make in siminary for what we look for in eternal company made some differeance. I have found this to be almost pointless. For I am nothing like the childed I was back then. I have meet the girl that meet that list. While I am sure life would have been nice, it wouldn't have been right. The only thing that matters to me now was never even on the list. I need someone that has the desire to make the world a better place like I do. The list was filled with the little things that add spice to life, but had no life to it. I could not make a list today either for I am no where near ready for such things. I have at lest three years before I will seek such things. I still have little to no idea about the differacne of love between two people and that of lust. I have fallen in love with the idea of love, I have fallen into lust, I have fallen into like, but I have never fallen into love. So many things are different today. Yesterday things where set in stone and I knew things as fact. Well fact has become fiction and today has become yesterday. My stone has washed away with the rain. The rain has washed my stone away and cleared the sand away from anothers. This stone looks to be sound and I trust the crafter of it better then myself.

Give ear to the soul.

2005-11-02T21:45:00.000-08:00

I was a fool to think I could kill him in one day. I had let him grow for 6 years. To kill him in one day was simply foolish. To let things go where they did was something worst then that. I have tired to kill him many a time before. Each time never commeting to the blow. This time I can feel him going however and I have hope. I can feel the strenght in my arms as he lose the strenght in his.
Never give up.
I change for my friends.
I will be who I need to be.

The world is New, fresh and blue

2005-10-31T10:43:00.000-08:00

OK randomness is king so hold on.

I have never really like the idea of two girls kissing. I have how ever found something weird that I find entertaining. What is it you ask? well when two girls are in a rock band and they are playing back to back. I think it might have to do with the idea of a fight where two heroes are forced to fight back to back. coupled with the fact that Rock N' Roll rocks my soul. Add that all together with a girl or two, good as gone baby, good as gone.

However later found that the more girls you add doesn't make things better. When just one of these girls was play all jimmy Hendricks like I was more in love with her then at any other time. This also created a whole new problem, cause I was not attracted to her physically, and I say the way she acted when she was not rocking out and didn't really connected emotionally. Here was a girl that I was in love with only as long as she was playing her guitar. I had humors conversation with a friend about it later about how I might make it work.

While going from place to place this weekend end I saw many things I never thought I would. to many to name, for I lose one each moment that passes. I saw allot of lookers this weekend, but only connected with two. One was sonically thought the pulsations of her music, the other was verbally thought the sounds of her words. While lovely to boot and really quite a hoot, things will never be. Meeting her gave sorrow to my heart, for we met only to part. Thoughts upon thoughts whirled in my head. One standing out above the rest. This girl may not be a member and you will never meet again, cause someone failed her, just as you have fail others. How sad it truly is, but she seems happy and so am I.

Candy dance

Cry me a river and I'll just dam it up.

2005-10-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

I was hoping the the cutting of my locks would lead to less woman troubles. However it seems that while the ladies liked the curles they find the buzzed cut more interesting. I think it may have something to do with all girls wanted curly head kids running aorund or some crap like that. While I get more looks now I can still tell them to bugger off with out to much diffaculty. One of the quickes ways to make a girl hate you, just in cause you where wondering, is to tell her to stop crying. Now tone is the real key, you have to really sound like she is dumb for ever letting water come for her eyes, no matter how dumb she really is she still wont like it. The thing is that women are also blessed to see the good in almost everybody. Which I think getts them into more trouble then they know. So no matter how one fills his mouth with different apenages they don't let him sleep. What a mocking irony.

Kill the inner self and fight naturl. Got two days till the end.

Fish toacos

2005-10-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

An event happened upon me today. one that went ok, but it still was odd and I didn't like my thoughts about it. I was filling up Lacus (My car), when this guy came out of no where and asked if I like speakers. What a weird question but yes I like speakers but I had no respons for him (Other then a dumb look). He went on to show me these really nice speakers that he said he was delivering, but they gave him two extra. He started tlaking about how nice they where and how expense they where. The box said the speakers where around 2g's. I could tell from the get go that this guy was up to something. He then asked how much I could get together on such a short notice. I told him I had class, but I had 20 bucks in the car. I knew he was not going to take it. Honesty I wanted him to take his speakers and just leave. He kept talking however, I did want the speakers but I wasn't about to buy some thing out of the back of someones car at a gas station. The thought that bothers me is that if he would have given them to me for free, I would have taken them. Knowing that they where stolen I still wanted them. The monkey mind is going to get me into trouble. I am also sick of people commenting on me. What they think of my thoughts and advice they have. Honesty I want to hear you experiances. I know what I need to do and what people will say about my thoughts. What I don't know is what your thoughts are about things in your life. so get to telling me or get to getting.

I wish I could snap and slay those little ones.

2005-10-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

Just saw another add for starwars on DVD. The thing that really makes me sad is I know not only are people going to buy it, but some of those people are going to watch it. People that have already seen it are going to go out and pay more money to have their souls sucked out by a crappy movie. It's the kind of thing that makes one want to get violent.

I have also come to notice something. I think the media trys to create loners. I have noticed it allot lately. They make the loner look glorious, the man that ask for no help and needs one. If one asks for help he is weak and should fall victium to darwin. When really those who know how, and when to ask for help are much stronger. The world wants to break you off from the group, take you down a dark ally and beat you up. I think I wont let it. It will be hard cause I've been trying to be that loner for the beater part of my life now. When in reality hermit never fit me, only made me weak for temptation for when I enter the world agian. Holding back ones self weakness your self and socity. Lies break down the fiber of civlzation, but then agian who cares right.

I figured out how to make a water clock today and just need to get the stuff together. I also need to work out how to recycle the water. An electice pump would be best, but hardly fitting. If I was going to use energy the why not use a normal clock. I also got the figures down for 24hrs, but resting the clock creates a problem... but this is not the place.

Recap, the fist

2005-10-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

I rush to far of places and look for farmilar faces. I find them but they don't belong to the people I use to know. The world is changing and so am I. I simply hope our directions differ. I was once told that not everything should be torn down to make it anew. Somethings can't be rebuilt. Others however must be torn down even if they can't be rebuilt. The fondation has gave way and it is only troublesome. So has parts of this life been. Turn a corner and meet yourself.

I was also told the only way to find out if a man is honest is to ask him. If he says yes, then he must be lieing. I hold to this.

Well quickly, sense people that read this have no conntact with me other wise, I will give some evets. I have gotten new books which I am wanting to read more then ever. I am also getting my friends out of ther dens. I can't think of anything that I can write in the few momets I have here. Well if there is somethign you really want to know ask. Oh and got a another pome in a book, best poets of 2005. I don't really think that this book is on the up and up however. Well

Thoughts of a lost firend.

2005-10-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

Some things have to be writen, but those things don't, and sometimes should not be understood. These thoughts of mine are nothing really more then that, thoughts. I don't want them to convice anyone of anything. The most they should do is spark a desire to know, or to understand. The least is give some peace to my soul.

Death, and fear I can think of no two things so closely tied together. People are filled with such fear. Fear of not finding the right person, fear of getting less then they could, fear of the unknow, fear of what people think of them, fear of their own short comings. Fear I think is the greatest motavatior in history, I think it has influanced people to do more things than anything else. People fear death so much that they would do such horrific things to prolong their existance. To see that last sunset, to feel that last kiss. Well honesty I find it not worth it. How many sunsets did you miss? How many kisses did you toss away in that passion of the moment? I don't cry for you. You miss someone you love, so what. I am sure you living in saddness makes them feel better in the here after. You sit there dumbfounder in your fear and saddness as the world crashes down around you. People are dying around you. They are starving to death, kids are born knowing no love and no hope. Will you give it to them?

It is writen no greater love have a man then to lye down his life for his friends. This means so much more then dying. To give up ones life is to give up ones own personal desires, to give up your happiness for the sake of another. People are selfish childeren, People get angery at others who have past on before. Leaving those people to carry on alone. From dust to dust, so must go all the earth. As once said if you fear death it jumps out at you all the quicker. If you think this is a negitive out look then you have understood little said, and so it go.

Kick the man

2005-10-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Fight the man, break the system.
People go from day to day setting into there rutings. milling about digging their holes. We are humans, creatures of rutine. One can not get anywhere with out trial and error, Work and effrot. Some times rutines turne into chains of habbit and pits of imprisonment. My sujestion is to break the mold every now and then. Skip a class and hit the town, go buy something you want but was holding back on, punch that jerk that has been getting on your nerves. Anyways, get off the path and then tell others about it. I tell you mine tomorrow.

Look and be saved or don't and live in idealness

2005-10-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

Mr. Nord stood in line wait like everybody else. Clutching his movies and candy as if he was on a liferaft and one of the other survivors where going to steal his rations for him. Nords eyes darted around nervously, studying peoples faces. They all seem normal, no hint of suppostion or wonder in any of them. Nord rubbed one eye and then the other with his closed fist that was wrapped around a long licorice vine. The was something ahead of him in the line that was bothering Nord. He leaned into peoples conversations trying to hear anything that might help his madness. No one was taking about it however, such a odd thing and no one was speaking of it. The peoples conversations where over movies they had seen or what had happened that day. Not a word was spoken about the giant penguin leafing thought the music magazines. He was wearing a sombrero for heavens sake, how could anyone miss him. Nord new what was going on, he was going crazy. Nord was losing his mind and still all he could do was stand in line staring at that fat bird read media propaganda. If someone else could just see him then it would mean he was normal, but to point it out to someone else and have them not see it would prove that he was crazy. Something so simple and yet so hard. Either the penguin lived or he didn't there was in in between. Why did this have to happen to Nord now, or ever. Nord just want to go home watch some movies and eat ju-ju-bees. These bird had come out of no where and decide to hunt him. The lady in front of Nord had looked back at him. Had he said something? Did he bump her? Why was she looking at him? She knew some how. She knew he was going crazy and soon every one else would also. Nord decide to go crazy, those people always seemed happy laughing all the time and placed in rooms that look so comfortable.
"ah, Miss. Do you see a Giant Bird over there reading a Teen vogue?"

thoughts before the dawn

2005-10-15T00:35:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time. For the end my becoming soon. I have been listeing to music and looking at photos. The times I had in hawaii are more then one man could wish for. As I was there it was a pleasent bless. I did not know how great it was till right now. To say I would not take anything back would be a lie. Cause I did allot of things there I am not proud of, made allot of mistakes, but I would take them back with cation. Cause I learned and grew, and changing those things might change the person I am now. This man is not perfect, but I am happy with him for now. If I died tomorrow (in some cool way of course) I would not fret to much. Sure I would leave beind something that need to be done. But glad none the less with what I have done so far in this life. To all my friends, we will meet agian hopelfully sooner then later, but in time all things shall be.

I find the fight with in greater then the fight without.

2005-10-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have finished a book today. It is always a feeling of both joy and saddness. Joy for the sense of completeing something. Saddness cause I learned so much from it and wish there was just a little more. I agree with almost every word of the book I finished, if there is anything not in order with my belifes then it was only cause I have misread something. I have changed from the content of it's pages, but changeing ones enviroment is only to do done after one changes thy self internally. I find that the battle aginset ones self, ones emotions, lusts, and passions. Is more difficult then any physical battle could be. it becomes so difficult at times, the world seems to make sense only so far as the outside of ones skull. You know what you want but you can't seem to keep that conviction when you need to. But sticking to ones guns, one can win little battle after battle. Some times the war turns south and some of your emotions and convictions buy the far. The war is not lost however, we have to keep up the fight and little by little we win and better ourselves. It's a steap uphill battle, but it's won we can win with time.

Don't tell anyone anything.

2005-10-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

I thought what I'd do was become one of those deaf dumb mutes.

Night Fighting

2005-10-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

whim-some hues of scarlet light
breeding madness in the night
fearful fighting for the light
for evil has the greater bite
what's gold today, is dust tomorrow.
much inside, no room for sorrow
so things fade from black to white
release the ropes
embrace the light

I believe in things, I swear I do. I Just have no follow though.

2005-09-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

A frozen heart heats frozen hands
as I travel these desert lands
Icy digits crack and break
your soul is what I try to shake.
If I fall by the side
please push on to keep the tide.
My eye offends me
my hand joins in
don't understand a thought's a sin.
They all meet the fire
here today
no loger do they get to play.
come back home
and look for Rome
watch it burn behind my fern.
rabbit fever is what I got,
So get the clever and a pot.

A big group of grammer mistaks and misooing errous. Read at your own risk

2005-09-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

TOnight I earned allot of experiance points. I sepnt the evning with my sister and her friends. I discover many things that some would say I should not of. I myself might be one of those. A firend tried to get me to drink something alcholic. He did not know that I was mormon and that it was agenst my religon. I for one don't like to use religon for an excuess for not doing something. Some times that is the only reason and thus makes sense other times things are much more complecated. The effort he was putting in to me was awe inspireing. I thouhgt if mebers of the church had passion for the gossoip like he had for me taking a drink, what a world. After a long time I agreed to a drink that had no alchohal. I was unsure if this was the right choice, for I wanted not to offened him but I also did not wish to give into pesure. Ad they say yelled to princapel not presure. I wonder which I really yeiled to cause they both where there. I also got to view an atmisfer that was very foren to me. My mother calls herself a people watcher, I understand what she sees in it, cause I am an evet watcher. ANy thing new is ingreably interseting to me. I am a lover of stories. I love to hear them tell them and be in them. If I can experiance something that can make those stories more real al the better. My sister and I went to a club, but this club had go go dancers. Now remeber they where not stripers or pole dancers or something. From what I could see was that people don't like to dacen alone cause they fear people are looking at them. Well these go go dances take allot of that fear away. Now I must also say that while they where not stripers doesn't mean they where amise either. There clothes where reviling and wntiseing to carneal things. Now this is where things get interseting for me, both bad and good. They did nor borher me. They did not make me want them. Thoughts did not try to take root in my mind. I have seen women at church dressed much more proper that I had to turn my head from. These women I felt sorry for alittle. Cause they had to work in such degreading surcom stances. The men around them stood in a trac stargin into a word of personal fantasy and desire. I wanted to point and luagh at the saddness of them. Gocking at a woman so in public seem so, so... humeleantiny. Could they not find love or any real sense. These where not all bad loking men some even looked like women would fan other them. And yet they had to pay for the conterfit knock off of love. For that short moemt the girl was dancing for him and she was hers. It didn't matter that she was also ever one eles in the room, She loved him for that one moment. The only feeling I could think off that really realated to it was the one I got from first working with retared people, where at first I thought how stuiped and gross are you. I think however that my geelings of that mans actions would never change as they did with the people that where M.R. Fpr the night I only have one regreat, and that was that I was fasting and for a moment I forgot about it. I always do on prolonged fasts. I would not trade that night with my sister for anything, Well maybe a sliver plaed six shoter. O ther then that nothing.

LIttle exscape

2005-09-25T00:24:00.000-07:00

Judge stood on the edge of the cliff and held his hands out. NO one was around for miles but anyone watching him would think that he was about to fall forward or take hold of something. The air was clean and crisp with a slight breez. The sun was hiden behind clouds giving the sky a golden hun on the backdrop of a deep blue. Judge turned around stepped back and fell asleep. Things had been so choadic latly there had been no time for siting back and beholding the scenery. Judge still didn't have time to enjoy himself, to find a cliff on a clear day and watch the world from a different point of view. That's way he wrote about it.

I can see into the future.

2005-09-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

Well I can only really see about 50ft into the future after that things get a little weird, unless I have my glasses on. In reality I have nothing new to add. People are stupied and I'm a person. Women are the devil and want your soul. The sad thing is that men want to give it to them. I have what soul I had when I left that magic island that looked like a eye in the middle of an ocean of blue. I see others falling into their traps left and right but know that I can't help them. They are prey that wants to be caught and I will not fight the masses on such things. If things are bothering you change your life, if that's to hard change you diet. Less meat makes one less violent, the lack of dairy kills the labedo. Sweets kill the teeth, but lift the soul and all of this is nothing but a text form of "Maromi".

Which way you going?

2005-09-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

So I know all ther sterotypes and the things people say about hickhikers. I also know that my mother would not be happy know ing that I pick them up. Now I don't pick the one's with hocky maskes and kifes, bgut that's mostly cause I don't see them. I also would not pick them up if I had my wife or kids in the car, While I can't be sure but I think i wouldn't, but I still might. I have only picked up a handful. I do this cause I myself am having to realiy on the kindess of strangers allot of the time. Yesterday I pick up two, one was a man who's car ran out of gas and his grandmother and kids where waiting in the car. The second was a little more shady. Having worked with people with mental disorders I could till this man had one. I am no doctor and am not very knowlageable about such things so to say more would only be guesses. He was headed for montana and was happy for as far as I could take him. I told him I was going to Utah and he could come the whole way or get dropped off where ever he wanted along the way. HE was more then happy with this. We then set off with him doing most of the talking. I came to find out the he use to teach music and a few different univeristys but something had happened where he has spent the last few months on the streets. He was from South Carilona and had hickted hiked his way to bloomfield New Mexico. He was more then happy to hear classical music in the car (I was playing a cd from Toko Takahashi a japaness composer) He went off about art and phiolsphy and how he liked buroke morn then others. He had seem to have been doiong fine till something happened to him. At which point I think his brain was kind of fried. He had troulbe with simple math and yet knew all the converstions form standerdd to metric. He could tell me different things he had read, but had a very hard time reading. He was constily talking quietly to himself and doing motions with his hands in the air. I might have thought him scary or strang if I hadn't sent so much time with other like him. We had to stop quite offten for the bathroom and smoking. I had known another man that had to have a cigerate every now and them to help with his disablityes. So I gladly stopped as offten as he liked for this, where we would get something to eat and talk about things that we saw around us. Thikning that prove was a good mormon town I thought it would have at least one homless shelter. when we got there sadly it did not the closest one was all the way in Salt lack city. This was too much this man was now my firend and I could not simply leave him in the street. I found a hotel and got him set up for the night where he said he could contine on his way tomorrow. He being more then happy to have meet me and I the same for him we parted exchanging e-mail. I have lost his name to my memory and have his face implanted on my mind. I hope things work out for him and I hope you think twice about strangers on the road.

Open 24hr (endding)

2005-08-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

Smith had reached his point. The anger in him was boiling over and smith was starting to think of these lovers as not being human. They where so cruel and thoughtless. They thought only of themselves, but smith was sure that they where most likely just positions to each other. All the patrons in this dinner where nothing but scarifies for the lovers, and everything should surrender to love right? Smith didn't think so and this whole afire was making him bitter. Smith started to breath heavily. Smith was not sure what to do and was trying to keep control. The female lover tapped him on the shoulder, letting him know that she was there and armed. Smith wanted to hit her. He had never hit a woman but it was had to think of this person as one. Smith's gun was still pointed at the man. Smith could never bring himself to shoot another person and was lying to everyone and himself holding this gun. Such anger for things out of his control and no way out of things. There was no way for everyone to come out of this ok. Either the lovers or smith had to give in. The lovers where beyond the point of reason, and smith had nothing up his sleeve. Tossing his gun to the side smith turned to face the young girl. She did remind him of a girl smith once knew. Smith said that he couldn't shoot anyone and it was pointless to pretend other wise. At the same time he could not let the lovers hurt anyone else. They could go but everyone and everything was staying here. If the girl wanted she could shoot him, but smith was not backing down on this. Smith wanted so bad to be able to help these lovers but could not see how to do it. so smith tried for the easist and hardest way, which was to leave it up to them. The young girl seemed a little scared. Her hands where shaking and she was saying something but no words reached Smiths ears. Smith started to head to the back where the hurt men where. On the way smith saw the bag that was holding the contents of the safe. He reached for it and received a heavy blow to the face. The male lover had hit smith square in the jaw sending him to one knee. Smith still held the bag firmly and tried to stand up. The lover hit him again and tried to force the bag from his hand. Smith gave it up but with a twist that made all the contents fall to the floor. Standing up smith now stood in-between the lovers and the people, the money spewed across the floor mixed in with all the food and dust that live on dinner floors. There they all where the female holding smith at gun point the male bent over trying to scoop up the money, smith with a now bleeding lip slowing walking over to the female and all the others sitting in a booth watching. The male was mostly focusing on getting the money together. The girl started to shake widely and what looked to be screaming at smith to stop. Smith was terrified now and would have stopped if he hadn't seen the tears in her eyes. Smith closed the space between them and reached for the gun. The young girl got sacred and fired turning herself to stone and piecing a hole thought Smith's chest. Smith wrench the gun out of her now petrified hands. Smith's blooded stared to stain the outside of his cloths as he made his way to the door. Smith was already weak reaching the door and had trouble opening it. Smith's blood pool where he stood but he was able to get the door ajar to toss the gun out. Where upon he fell to the floor and lend against the door. Looking up smith saw that the girl was still crying and now looked more then ever like that girl he knew...once, smith had scarified some of himself for that girl also. Smith's last words that day where "Don't cry, everything is beautiful and nothing hurts"

3am, eggs, beans, and no spell check

2005-07-30T02:54:00.000-07:00

It's not so much that I am having toruble sleeping, well no more then I do most of the time, but I can simply lye there and try to sleep. My demons seem to speaking more often now, and I can hear them clealy at night. So I decied to go for frag. Let my mind wonder in a fenced off. Some might say that I am holding myself back, but really the skys the limit.

Some thing has been bothering me latly and my words never seem to express my thoughts the why I need them to. It has to do with smith and his tale in the dinner. A few people have seemed to be upset that smith let the other man go. They ask me why I let the man go. Well honestly I did not let him go, smith did. I am just another view like the rest of you. You ask me why smith let him go, why don't you ask him? It is just as easy for you to do so as it is for me. Plus smith was no law man, he had no obligation to preform what people seem to think as justic aginst him. Can mercy rob justic, no. But justic can't rob mercy either I hope. Let god be the judge and the person to carry out the sentace. We have all done things that we wish more then anything to take back, to have forgiveness for the unforgiveable. Some of the worst things have been done in moments of weakness. For those that have felt such I see it easy to give others what they so desire themselves.

How does one keep in contact with people? I find it so hard, mostly cause I hate the phone. The phone I belive is greatly misused. I want to call people to get together and that is it. To get facts stright or get info and teach, but keeping in touch with such a device is beyound me. I always have planes to call people but freaz when I start to dail. Those rings are like spikes in my chest. I want a mechiean to pick up or something. Cause if it's a human they always seem to want a reason for the call and just to say hi is never very good. Well it never was for me. I never have anything to say no topics come to mind. It's like a pop quiz on my recent life and it's always alittle sad to find out I wasn't paying attion.

I was watching a preview to a movie; a movie which happend to be based on a book, a very famous book. This book has opened doors in people minds. Let them into worlds they didn't know about till them. The author of this book is a true writer. To create a telling of events in that world so that so many others can find their way there is what makes a true writer. When I write stories about smith or stave, Marut and Isac the stories come across as only that stories. They are not mappes to the places where I have witnesed these stories. I insprie to become one of these auothers who can not create worlds, but build doors to them. Why? not for what you might think. To prove to myself that I am not crazy, if others speak about these people that seem to only be in my head then They are not only in my head and I am not then crazy...right?

P.S. gundum seed is great.

Part 5

2005-07-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

Smith thought he hear a click, was his hearing coming back? He stepped back as he bent down low. Letting the cold metal slide forward and over this right shoulder then quickly came back up knocking the arm and gun into the air. Smith twisted and brought his own weapon to bear on this new enemy. The young male left his arm in mid air, gun still in hand, and stright faced. It was one of the lovers, but where was the other one? And why was he doing this? Did he not want Smith to let the man go? Or where they helping him?

Smith thought things out for a moment and come to a conclusion. "I'm going to let this man go. As I would wish the same treatment would be given to me for my faluts. Does everyone understand?" After his first few words smith understood that he did not have his hearing back. Smith could bearly understand his own words and the responses the others made where nothing more then simple silent motions. Every one seemed to still be scared which smith took as their fear of him letting this man go. The others thought at first that smith was like them and now they must realize he is not, they must think Smith is in on it. It saddened smith greatly to think that they thought of him as such, but really smith could see very little difference between himself and the trucker. Smith might look like the old man on the outside, but inside Smith thought of himself like the trucker.

Smith kicked the trucker and told him to move. The trucker responded slowly at first then burst into movement once upon his feet. The trucker was up and out the door quicker then most could follow. The door shut behind him and smith breath easier and turn his attion to the rest of the people. The lover seemed to smirk which turned smiths stomach. The lover was in on it, and if him then... Another click.

A Penny for a lie, a dollar for your home

2005-07-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

I think I have come to a new place in my head. I find it strange, very strange that I myself have never been called a liar. Well sure in play, but never like I hear others referee to people. When really I am the biggest one I know. I lie to play with thoughts and ideas. Never the less it is very wrong and I count each of them as a sin. I never really new how much I lied till I deiced to stop completely, every big and little lie. Even the white little ones or the ones for convince of story or conversation. As I said I never knew how much I lied till I quit, much like eating meat.

I do think that I would like to get invited to some children's parties, mostly to give them cloths as gifts and then tell them the idea was their mothers. Well that would not due cause that joke requires a lie, and really the breaking down of a child's love for it's mother. I do believe that most people think of children as it's. I really know every little children and don't think I will anytime soon. I do see them as people however. Really dumb people, but people. I don't see myself changing much from kid to adult, sure little things changed, My few of holidays and communication with others, even the ester bunny. I still hold to the basic ideas and philosophies as a child. I simple see them and reach for them in new and different ways. Little cute sticky handed dumb people.

One can't do anything if emotions are their only weapons. It's a phrase I heard and I think I believe it. I want so hard to believe in non-violence. That people can learned to live in peace without having to kill each other. I have trouble sometimes. Cause if good people don't defend themselves then the wicked ones overpower and win. So one has to believe that people are not good and bad. Just lost and lazy. The biggest problem I see is that of laziness. People always want the easy way out. The lottery and the business in a box, the weekend diet and the 12 week hard body. It's easier to kill then to try and understand. I don't blame those that kill however, for I myself have had the desire, and I have never been in a war. So I can not imagine what it would feel like to be in that situation. To cut him down for acting the same is I most likely would seems to me very unjust.

So back to laziness. The media feeds on it. They offer the 2 dollar answers with 50 cent explanations. People take it for it's worth cause it's simplely easier to believe as such, and the saddest thing to me is that I seem to be none the better, I don't believe in conspiracy. People aren't that smart. It goes back to the laziness of it all. Why tell the whole story when you can tell the good parts and get the same ratings and no one questions the rest really. I might just be misinformed however.

I like to think I'm done with lying, I also like to think I am going to be some kind of hero some day. I simply wish to improve this glob, but I have two things I don't want to do in the process. One being forcing my personal beliefs on others, and the next is not compromising my principles for anything. I ask for you to do like wise, but I must refer to wish number one.

part 4

2005-07-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

Smiths was starting to panic. He clasped the gun tight and tried to clam himself. Every time Smith would almost get himself under control a movement would grab his attention. Whether it was someones lips, or a nervous twich, it scaried him a little. Smith took a deep breath and thought of girl he knew long ago. Smith pictured her the best he could from his feeble memory. She was standing on a railing over looking the city, wearing a light blue dress. The wind blowing in from the harbor tossed her hair and played with her dress. She was the most beautiful women Smith had ever seen, and he knew that his memory didn't do her beauty justice. She turned and smiled at him.

A hand grabbed smith by the back of the coat and started to pull him up. Acting quickly smith shoved the gun back into his pocket. Smith was pulled up and stood face to face with the unknown gun man. Smith looked quickly around and saw that the others where still there, scarred but there. The man said something then moved smith towards the door. Smith stopped at the kitchen door, afraid to know what he was going to find on the other side. A boot hit smith in the back and he fell into the kitchen face down.

Smith started to pick himself up and saw the old man lying face down to his left. Was the old man really dead, did the unknow gun man shoot the old guy? Smith got up but kept his eyes fix on the man that looked like himself. The gun man caught smiths attention by catching his jaw with a fist. Smith looked at the gun man and really saw him for the first time. He looked to be in his mid forties. He had the appearance of a trucker smith thought, unshaven and a little scrubby. The man seem a little jumpy and maybe even a little frightened. The man motioned for smith to turn around. Smith did so and noticed as he turned that he could see out the window where the others could only see his head. Panic raised in smith suddenly and his vision jumped to the old man on the ground. That was going to be him, no that was him. Smith was beholding his future. Smith noticed that the old man was breathing however, and there was no blood.

Smith pulled the gun from his pocket and turned to face the gun wielding trucker. The trucker had the pistol raised to give a clean blow to the back of smiths head. Smith took the initiative and placed his gun right inbetween the truckers eyes. The truckers face was filled with shock and smith thought he could see him mouth some kind of profanity. Smiths confidence rushed in stronger than it had ever been in his life. He did it, he had stopped this man. What was to be done with him now? Smith told the trucker to drop his gun and walk outside. The man seemed to understand and did so. Smith followed closely kicking the gun along with him. The others watched dumb fondly as smith walked back to them with his prisoner. Smith told them to tie the trucker up some how. The cook took off a belt he was wearing under his apron and tightened it around the trucks hands and then to the bottom of a table. Smith stood above the trucker and told the others to call the police or something.

After that confusion ensued as people ran for the door, phone, and even the back where the old man laid. Smith didn't focus on anything but the trucker. He stared at him wondering what he should do. Smith almost wanted to let him go, the man was scared. What if it was smith in this situation. wouldn't he want to be let go. This man didn't kill smith, had only tried to knock him out. The trucker didn't seem to be dangerous, but what if smith did let him go. It would not fix the mans problems. The man would still be in the same situation that lead him to do this, plus smith couldn't really talk with him. Smith did have his gun, that would at least stop him form doing this same thing, at least right away. Smith had decide to let him go. He bent over when a familiar metallic cold touched the back of his neck.

Part 3

2005-07-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

Smith’s natural reaction was to cover his head like everyone else. He could tell who ever fired the shot wanted him to do something. A gun barrel was being pushed into the back of his neck. He was still too dazed to think straight and couldn't hear. Not able to heed whatever might have been said he just sat there. The push became forceful and Smith shouted that he couldn’t hear. Smith just kept shouting it till the pressure at the back of his neck was removed. After a little bit Smith was forcefully turned to face a man he did not recognize. The man seemed to be motioning that Smith should take a place in the back corner of the dinner with the rest of the people. Smith put his hands up not sure if he was suppose to or not and walked over.

All crammed into two booths where the old man, the waitress, the three old card players, and what looked like some kind of cook. The lovers however seemed not to be present. Had something happened to them? Was something going to happen to him? Smith still had a gun, he might be able to do something, but had no idea what was happing. There was simply one man that had not seemed to be in the dinner before now holding all the rest at gun point, while the two lovers where missing. Smith looked around a bit and saw no exits. There where no doors save the one at the front, if this place had bathrooms or any others Smith could not see them. The dinner was a half circle with the kitchen in the middle and the tables on the outer side. Sure there were the glass windows behind him, but he couldn't break it and get out without being shot. He didn't have it in him to shot this gunner either; Smith himself had almost robed the place. It could have been him up there, yet Smith couldn't be sure that these people would all be safe as well. Where were the lovers?

Nothing had happed for sometime. The man was just holding the gun out at Smith and the rest as everyone looked down at the table or out the window. Smith was still trying to think about what he should do. Still his hearing had not come back, and time must be running out. Something was going to happen and soon. Just then smith realized that one of the card players was missing. He had been there only a moment ago what happen. Smith had been to out of it and had missed something important. The faces of the people seemed to be a little panicked now. The gun man yelled something and the old man got up walked behind the counter and into the kitchen, the gun man followed. One could see into the kitchen from the eating are, but nothing more then heads. Smith decided this was a chance to pull the gun out. He had to do something, but he still wasn't sure what. Smith half looked at the other captives faces as he worked the gun out of his coat pocket. The gun was almost as big as the pocket and getting it out smoothly was proving difficult. Suddenly the others faces turned to shock, something had happened. He looked over and didn't see the heads. Movement caught his eye and he saw a pair of boots dragged out of sight.

ok a repost cause not sure people saw it (Open 24hr part b)

2005-07-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

Smith fingered the gun in his coat, slowly cocking and uncocking the gun. Trying to figure out another answer to his money problems. Just then a piece of pie was slid in front of him. He looked up at the waitress who looked to be in her fifties. She told him it was on the house. That was it he couldn't do it. It would be like pulling the gun on his grandmother, heck she even gave him cherry. He loved Cherry.

He nodded his thanks and she told him it looked like he needed a little pick me up. Her kind words where the last words he heard that night. A gun shoot went off right next to his head. The blast was deafening and dazed him for a moment. He could tell that someone had picked up where he had left off. He was afraid to move and stared straight ahead letting his vision focus. Seeing only his pie and the waitress cowering behind the counter.

Why is the sky Blue?

2005-07-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

Well it's cause blue is the shortest wave lenght. duh.

Opened 24hrs

2005-07-02T04:03:00.000-07:00

Smith had worked the same job for the last ten years, and ten years with no incidents. He took all the crap that came his way and never made a fuss. He had always heard that the secret to success is to be able to fall into a sewer and come out smelling like roses. Will smith didn't fall in; he was born there, your typical hard luck case. So when smith looked at this man on the stool next to him, he knew him. This man was smith, never catching a break and never getting ahead. This man was older though, much older. To smith it almost seemed like he was looking into a mirror. Was this going to be him in twenty years? Was he just going to get another dead beat job to work in for another twenty? Smith wasn’t eating; too much was on his mind to be shoveling things into his stomach.

Smith fingered the gun in his coat, slowly cocking and uncocking the gun. Trying to figure out another answer to his money problems. Just then a piece of pie was slid in front of him. He looked up at the waitress who looked to be in her fifties. She told him it was on the house. That was it he couldn't do it. It would be like pulling the gun on his grandmother, heck she even gave him cherry. He loved Cherry.

He nodded his thanks and she told him it looked like he needed a little pick me up. Her kind words where the last words he heard that night. A gun shoot went off right next to his head. The blast was deafening and dazed him for a moment. He could tell that someone had picked up where he had left off. He was afraid to move and stared straight ahead letting his vision focus. Seeing only his pie and the waitress cowering behind the counter.

Open 24hrs

2005-06-29T04:07:00.000-07:00

Smith pulled into the dinner. It was a cold July night, and it seemed the night was only going to get colder. Smith had just gotten the news that he was no longer a member of the working class. He had nothing to lose and this was just the place for him, because it had nothing to offer.

Smith entered the dinner and took the closet seat to the door which happened to be a stool at the counter. The waitress asked what he would like to have. Smith ask what the specials where. The other people in the dinner consisted of three old men in a corner playing cards, a young couple who seemed to be lost in each others eyes, and lastly another man on the stool next to his. Smith was trying to get up the nerve to pull the gun, but couldn't seem to do it. His food came and he deiced to do it after the meal. Why not get something to eat first?

As he ate he watched the people around him and wondered how there lives differed from his. The old men playing cards where joking and laughing, drinking coffee and slipping in a little something when the waitress wasn't looking making it a little Irish. They seemed to be very at ease and even called the waitress by her name. Must live close by and be regulars. The couple was in love as all young people seem to be known days. He remembered those days, he had problems then too but he couldn't remember any of them now. What more could be said about the couple they noticed nothing but each other. The dinner could come crashing down around them and they would still be simply looking into each others eyes discovering wonders that only lovers know. The man, well the man was interesting. He seemed to be on edge. He was wearing the same tattered clothes as smith himself. He stared only at his food as he shoved it into his mouth, looking around from time to time to see if anyone was going to take it from him.

Things writen on my hands.

2005-06-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

Be specific in our prayers
what I want to be, passionate, have stronger convictions, live strong,
pride is really just being stubborn
the Holy Ghost is drilling a hole in me.
We flip the trigger that refills our heart
write down prayers
how do we know if it is from us or from the lord.
Write wob (don't know what wob stand for)

I have read a book recently. This book was a true story about 47 ronin (samurai without a lord) that lost their lord and did want was needed to get revenge for him. It feed that fire within me, but was only a good start to a flame. I went to a fire side tonight that tossed gas upon it. There goes both good and bad with this. The good is that I get a glimpse of what I want to feel like all the time. I get new resolves and new goals. I notice what I am lacking in and figure out ways to fix them. The bad however is that I don't have enough wood to keep that kind of flame going, yet. So it burns strong and bright, but only for a little while. I must build up to that point where that feeling will never leave me. For the first time in a long time I want to change myself dramatically. I have fallen far back into my laziness and it is a hard pit to climb out of. As I read about the ronin in my book I thought about how much feelings and conviction they had. I have something greater then them and yet I am not even worthy to hold a light to them. There is no virtue, no commandment that I hold to as they did theirs. They would die rather then be dishonored and the things that would dishonor them are many, whether one was dishonored or not was mostly on a personal scale. The samurai that was truly noble could only seem to dishonor himself. Looking at myself, I have little to no honor, but I will get it. I am still young and have sometime left to regain my honor and do great things with it. As a member of the Caucasian race I was never really aloud a culture. I thought it unfitting to say that I am glad to be this or that cause people would turn it into "My Glad to be white, because I'm racist". Well I'm not racist, more so then most people. I am over joyed to be a Whetten and I want to bring honor to that name. People today don't really seem to feel this way, at least not Americans. They rather bring fame to their high school or club rather then to their family name. Well I come from great parents and great grandparents. I have strong Whetten blood that flows in my veins. I understand that now and wish to never do anything to bring shame to that name. No, I do more then wish I work for it.

Cotton Candy

2005-06-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

I want some cotton candy and will reward handsomely anyone that can connect me with some.

Random Idealness

2005-06-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

Thinking allot recently about many different things. I think I cling to the sad and depressing things because I find more emotion in them. Not just in myself but others. People seem to be more human, more vulnerable, more real, when the worst things happen to them. When people are lost and hurt looking for shelter or relief. It builds a common quality in man that can't really be found else where. Sure the happier moments are blissful and great, but they also breed laziness and greed. At least they seem to in me. I want to stay in that bliss and start to forget the rest of the world. I always lose those feelings that I seem I want to hold onto the most. Time erodes my emotions quicker than anything else. I read a book about the horrible things going on wanting to change the world, and the next moment I'm wondering what the white stuff is in my snickers. I wonder what will break this new one, but what I really want to know is how to keep it.

Simple Plan - Untitled

2005-06-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

Click on the video untitled. I really like it but I give a word warning. It is not up beat, but I find these things the oddly inspiring.
http://launch.yahoo.com/ar-290865---Simple-Plan

A movie script life

2005-06-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

I have for the better part of my life I have lived it like a movie. Most of my jokes are for the viewing audience not so much for first or second parties. I walk and react the way I think the hero in my own movie should. I have recently discovered a major issue with this. A movie is only two hours most of the time. The characters in it really only have time for one major conflict, and yet there are movies that this one issue spans most of their life. I was recently thinking while watching one such movie. Why did it take you so long to lean this one thing? Like 5 people had to die for him to get this one answer. Also most have this one driving force that pushes them further then all the rest, a goal, a girl, a dream, a moral, duty, ethics, honor, or a million other things. I don't have one thing like that which drives me. I have tried to get one to be stronger then the rest but that only made the others weaker. I have many people and beliefs that are close to me and only the combination of these things makes me who I am, I strife for a better tomorrow for these people and values. I will still live my life like a movie for now, but much different then the trivial movie.

The second Sin

2005-06-21T03:42:00.000-07:00

Recently I have come to realize some of the true darkness of the world around me. While talking with friends and family I was shock to hear some terrible things. People I know and love have had some horrible, horrible things done to them, things that brought me to tears and anger to my fists. I am a pacifist, but this is the only thing that I still consider ok to be violent on. I felt so lost, not knowing what to do to help these wonderful girls. I have had such an easy, good life, and what am I doing with all my blessings, but getting fat of the land. To make matters worst I recently made a new friend in one of the worst possible ways. I don't even know this girl and she has confined in me things that no one else knows. What has happened to the men of our society? I feel like the only sane good one. I always liked to be different, but not at this, not at this. Why must such evil be aloud to go unnoticed? Sure people say that it's a sign of the times, or they put themselves in the wrong situation, when really I seem to only here these things from men. I have such hatred for males now that it's blinding, so much pain in so many areas, so many broken hearts and souls in need of mending. I need help on this one. This is way over my head. I must save them all and I well do everything I can for them, everything.

"Say Tom..."

2005-06-15T23:37:00.000-07:00

tom sat at his desk writing (if you could call it that.) He could have writing better poetry by tossing ink at the wall. tom sat there everyday at noon and wrote for 3 hours. When someone would ask him what he was doing he would reply "dying...but on paper". Someone would always come along to ask him this, most of the time it was smith, tom's really only friend. Smith for all anyone could tell had no first name. Everyone called him smith because it was a common last name and seemed to suit him, and by everyone I mean tom. Smith never corrected anyone, by anyone I mean tom. Just went with it. Smith was an avid drinker and smoker. This came about mostly cause he was always running about setting things on fire, it was his favorite past time. AS one would think being around all those fires can make one thirsty, he only drank water if any. The smoking came about mostly because he didn't have steady hands. He would find something he liked (or someone he didn't like, by someone I mean tom) and he would get so excited that he would always take to long with the match and it would burn him. Thus causing him to drop it and set his cloths a blaze.

This day was a special day but no one really knew why, and by no one I mean tom. Smith had just walked into the room with a box of matches and tom still sitting at his desk.
"hey tom whatcha doing?" said smith as he lit a match and started to walk over to tom.
"Dying...but on paper."
Smith had burned himself again but managed to doge the falling flame.
"Oh not done with that yet hun...what about...now." smiths pauses where mostly cause he was trying hard to figure what end to light again.
"dying....but on paper."
"oh I get it red fire, you think I would have gotten that earlier." smith said excitingly, overly excitedly to see if tom would join in. Tom paused for a moments thought and responded.
"Smith I really have no idea what you’re talking about."
"you know tom I don't think I do either." Said smith as he lit another and ran towards tom.
"That's never going to work smith. The running puts out the match and walking takes to long so you end up lighting yourself on fire."
Because you see, smith had to light matches in a door way. It was the only place he really felt was safe to start fires. For the most part this had never been a problem for smith, except when he wanted to light anybody on fire, and by anybody I mean tom.
"say tom can you come over to the door? I really can't reach you over there."
"hold on"
"say tom... what you doing?" smith had given up for the moment and was looking over tom's should.
"dying ...but on paper."
"you almost done with that yet, I mean I've never been able to set fire to you. You really should try it tom. It's something you can't image."
"I think I can smith. I see you do it plenty of times. first you walk around thinking everything’s fine-"
"That's the hard part."
"then you look shocked and bewildered-"
"That's...I don't remember that part really."
"then you run about as the flames chase after you, but you can't out run them cause it's your cloths that are really on fire-
"That's the fun part really."
"Then you roll around on the floor screaming, wishing for any thing to stop the pain even death, and I wishing to fulfill that wish."
"....ok well that part sucks, but really it's not as bad as I make it sound, and by "I" I mean you...unless by sound I mean look. In which cause the I should be an I, but that's just because I'm not very good at it yet."
Tom stood up and closed the book. He walked over and tossed it on a pile of burring curtains that smith had already set on fire.
"what did you do that for tom, I thought everyone was going to read your book, and by everyone I mean you tom."
"I finished it; I wasn't sure what next to do with it."
"well, well, what shall we do now.”?
"I think I going to-"
"Say Tom...

To-"Night"

2005-06-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

He took the broom in hand and walked to the front of the store. Slowly he stared to clean the mess that was created during the day. Back and forth he moved the broom humming a little tune to him self; His thoughts where upon almost everything other then the movement of the broom. At this moment he was thinking back to the time when he was twelve. He had snuck out of the house to go play in the snow. It never snowed where he was from. He never got to the snow however. A tree and fallen over and landed on a truck. He just stood in his door way watching the little flecks pile up on everything. He stared at the odd scene of that truck crush by a tree. It was beautiful he thought. He looked around him now, about half way done. He tried hard now to think about what happen next, where he went from that snowy door way. What was his next step? Was it outside? Was it inside? Now even the memories he did have started to fade. He couldn't remember now if he was cold or not. Anything that would give him information to what his next course of action was. This thought carried him till he was finished sweeping the store, which broke way to a new thought. Would this moment cause the same confusion in the future as he looks back on it? No, this moment was not beautiful.

Hearsay of fools

2005-06-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Do not listen to people expounding on thing you wish not to hear.
If you are not sure of your emotions do not let others tell you what your emotions are.
This path leads no where you would want to go.

Awaking from a slumber

2005-06-03T03:27:00.000-07:00

I wake from my dream slowly, reentering the maelstrom that is reality. As I step away from the dream I lean towards resenting it cause of the chaos that happened while I slept pleasantly. So much lost, so much gained. Painful lessons of a pleasant past. I can see how the world can slip away as one is in a nation of two, but I never want that to happen. I need to be there for people, I need to work and sweat for that better tomorrow, that is the only way I find happiness. It is very greedy I know, cause I work for myself by means of others. Men suck and I have lost most if not all respect for them. Being a pacifist is hard when you wish to snap necks like a twig. My father always told me to love the sinner but hate the sin. It's hard to do when you know that the sin affects others then the sinner. I think being God would suck a lot at some points. Having to watch all the things people do, knowing how to help and not always being able to. To know one is going to fall and be able to do nothing but watch. At least in my position I can believe in them till the end and hope that they do the right thing. I know not how to go about what needs to be done. this is new ground for me. a horse, a horse my kingdom for a horse. I feel the same about a simple phrase and those I care about.

Another day another dollor, another year another yearning

2005-06-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

So according to a little piece of paper, that the state requires for almost everything, I have been around the sun some 22 times. The world seems to have changed form what I remember, but really I think it's just cause I'm taller and more prone to see things from a distance. I am coming out of the coma I placed my self in these past few moths. Or at least I awake form one dream state to another. My B-day was as much as I thought it would be. Nothing great nothing bad, just another day really. I hate feeling out resumes and writing letters about myself, cause I feel you have to boost about yourself, and while I boost about myself a lot I can't seem to due it where other people require it. I may be prideful, but can't seem to be prideful on command. I have come to realize how little the people know me around here, what am ice berg I have come to be. I suck in conversations and never know how to bring up topics of my interest. I want to talk about the world, I want to change things make a difference. Talk about how I may be a socialist, but to afraid to look...or to lazy. I don't think I am cause I believe people should be free to govern themselves, but I like allot of the ideas that I have heard that seem to also be connected to socialist people. I crave intellectual outlets. I crave a job where I make a difference, instead I get paid to sit and do homework and feel nothing but like a leech for my efforts. What happen to earning my keep, getting my bread by the sweat of my brow. I am a best of burden not much to thinking and never found much joy in doing it on my own. The seeker of knowledge is the seeker of sorrow. Maybe I'm a Marxist cause I believe I find my greatest joy in my labors, I may just be alienated from my product. No, Marxism is not for me.... I can't be a republican or demarcate cause they both believe things that I am highly against. I think I will start to call myself a consencatist. Don't ask me to many questions about cause I don't really know what it is and making it up may cause me to be in trouble with the lord. But I strive to follow Christ and his rule. Pooh upon everything else. aahhh that feels better, well good day to you all.

Flesh and bone, Flint and Steel

2005-05-26T05:44:00.000-07:00

What is a man but a lump of flesh. All I have to offer is blood, sweat, and tears. Well according to Mr. Church hill. They say that time heals all wounds, but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays. I have my new resolve, I know what I am going to do with the next few years of my life. I know where I want to go and what I want to do, but wheels set in motion take time to turn. I have started things that I must finish. I have gone places that I mustn't leave right now, and never in my heart. I have meet people that still need me and I still need someone. Tomorrow seems to still be a day away, but at least now I know what I will be doing when that accursed sun finally shows it flamboyant head.

Give it up, Give it in and let us Begin

2005-05-22T05:34:00.000-07:00

What does it take for a man to give up his life. To even be willing to fight with the chance of lousing it. Friends, family, power, greed, money, woman, honor, duty, obedient what snaps in the heart for it to realize that some things are more important then a persons individual life. To go from I think there for I am to I am there for I am for others. Then can these people now willing to give up the ghoust sacrifice this thing that gave them this freedom to lay down their life. Can a man that fights to save his family give up protecting them in order to save others. Can a man that fights for duty go against it if it turns him to forsaken paths. are these the things we learn to fight and die for, or are these just excuse to give in. I tossed my life upon that fire long ago, it's just a matter of time till it burns up. I don't care myself, but I now question what cause I claim as my lack of luster to stay here. Why am I so pleased with life and yet can give it up so easily if needs be. Now I may only think I can. I have decide that if I need to I will give up my life with little thought, but saying and deciding something is one thing, while doing it is another.
Interesting....I'm I alone in this. do others have the same feeling, if not for life then money, love, food, or the shirt of their backs. I simply wonder...

splinters

2005-05-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

May the world burn and boil. That is what all my friends say. That this world will come crashing down and shatter like all those dreams it crushed in it's wake. I once heard a passer by talk about all the progress that people have made. We've develop many miracles in medicine, when we don't use the time we do have. We have invented new ways to communicate, when we don't even really talk to each other. I have a friend I just I've never meet in Mississippi and yet I don't even know my neighbors name. People say that this world is a great place and worth fighting for. I agree with the second, not with the first.

By now you reading this start to think about the mind set of the wrighter, know that I am if sound mind and heart. I struggle on wards from day to day, but the struggle is what life is. To give up or be content with where is no better then death. What is this thing called death? People are so fearful of it. It drives people more then I believe even they know. Some become obsessed with this "death" and others laugh at them for this obsesstion. I see no difference between the teenage who dresses in all black pondering death and the old man in the lab coat thinking about a big bang. If you really think about it, the kid is more upbeat cause he is looking towards the future.

These words are cold and my heart can't breath life into them. Hopefully yours can. What is a wish, but a desire to change ones situation to that of a better one. I believe in the rules of equal trade. If you want something, something of equally value must be given up. So what am I bringing to the table. My self and all that I have. The trade was easier before cause happiness was bought for other and there was always left over for me. Now I seem to want something’s for myself, and now myself and my efforts are not nearly enough. I need my friends to be friends. I need to confront my little misgivings and misleadings. I need my friends to do like wise. This last semester people have fallen into the darkness. I can't pull them out alone. I need your help. But a simple reply will not do it. I need you to place aside your fears, your hate, and you distrust. Yes we are most likely all going to get hurt in this adventure, but the prize is most precious. It is not just our friends in the dark but us also. I've seen more mistrust and scheming in the group then I've seen anywhere in a long time. I need you.... we all need you.... and I think you need us also...

Best Imatation of Myself

2005-05-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, really title has nothing to do with anything else, just like a French movie. I am easily districted like a cat and a piece of string. I plan out things that I need to do, yet become distracted much too easily. I have become fat and lazy where anything that is worthless takes precedence over those that have real value, why? Well I have grown to seek worldly attention. I have come to hate being a hermit. To grow and progress I always have needed my hermit time. Where I am simply by myself studying, working out, reading, writing, listing to music, or simply meditating (and by meditating I don't mean lotus position all monk style, but simple just thinking.) I miss it so much and at the same time hate to not be a part of the up and up. Get stuck in these crossroads, going one way then another. Never really getting anywhere, because I can't decide on my destination. These things use to be so easy. My life was simple. Then I feel in love and discovered what it was to truly care for someone. Sacrificing was simply on a need to basis. If they need me to then I would do anything for them (them being anyone and everyone). Now it has become an all the time thing. I give everything all the time to the people around me and the ones that take it most of the time doesn’t want it. I think if I went to see some professional they would say I am going through a break down. I always hated professionals. Who are they really to say what is going on? Why must it be a break down? What if this is a step up. When this big blue globe turns a freiy red and goes "POP" what will it matter if I got an A on that History test? People are what matters, and while I must work towards being able to help many in the future I can't give up on those I see around me today. What point is it to always talk and prepare. Words are worthless and actions are priceless.

Another Image of myself

2005-05-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is unclear and today is that lost case. I have gotten trunky for the unknown. I want more adventure and new people and places. To remake myself though the eyes of strangers as I force them to see what I want them to and thus forcing myself into more of the person I wish to be. I have broken one of the rules I set for myself before I got here and now I am feeling the side effects. I said I was not going to pee into the pool I swim in. I dated a girl in the group and now it has caused chaos and distress throughout. I turn my back now on love and the fairer gender. I flirt and hangout but my heart has been placed back upon that shelf in the back of my mind. I don't like myself while in the thrualls of love, or maybe it's lust. It is not good for either party. I want to give her all my time and effort and she wants to take it, but this is not right and each has to fight to keep their senses.

People argue that love's the greatest of emotions, which might be true but I think I have felt stronger. Duty, desire, effort, confusion, and battle lust. I have felt all of these things much stronger. Now maybe people will say I have yet to find the right person, which maybe true but even then I care not if I do at the moment. I can do much more now thinking of others without having cares for one by herself. I treat myself and all my things like crap and could not have nice things which are what I would want to give her. I need to grow more and gain life experience before those things can come into play. I need to work on getting myself back to who I was. I will never like I did for a girl. I will never give so much of myself for so little again. I did not mind the trade, but others did and I think so did the lord. I told him awhile that this life is his and I must make atonement for taking free rain of it again. The world will be a better place because I was once in it. I only need to give everything I have in seeing this come to pass. I have never bought a drunk a drink and never will. I never want to add to the woos of this world just take from them.

Neo Motivation

2005-04-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

I want something to fight for. I need a reason to push onward. I seek that righteous cause that drives one into action. That ideal or cause that digs at the mind and sets fire to the soul. I only hear of atrocious, I know nothing of them. Thus it is hard for simple news to force my feet into action. The news and media is filled with misinformation or just the highlights of an event. It never gives any information on how we can help out. They just sit by as passive observers and watch. Thinking if they are not helping cause problems then they are not part of the problem. What happened to the belief that if we are not part of the solution then we are part of the problem. By standing by and doing nothing we are condoning the actions of those we do not speak out against. My heart aches and I am sick of talking about it, talking never does me any good. I need action,and I need motivation for this action. I seek physical trials now opposed to those of other natures. I have traveled far down this road and don't wish to give up on it now, yet now people are telling me to give in. Can my desire to make a difference be enough to lead me to that motivation I seek to make it happen. I have never been a fan of quitting, I hate it. So I get stuck in the worst place for me, indecision. Once I have a goal I can do everything in my power to reach it, and then if I fall short I am happy with that, and yet if I am held back and don't try with every little part of me. I feel I am a failure no matter what happens. I need to come to a conclusion and seek it's resolution. True pain to me has and always will be the fact or feeling that I can't do anything.

A

2005-04-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

_edited_
Well more on this later I'm going to work on my car that is where my true joy lies.

What's in a kiss?

2005-04-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Let me first start off by saying I want to keep this topic as clean and mature as possible. Living for 21 years I have dodged a few. A little while ago I was tired of dodging and lost the will to fight it. Going so long without it I had built up this grand idea of what it was. You hear people craving it like a drug, just waiting till they can get their next fix. I thought of it as something magical, something that felt like nothing else. It was purely placing my lips on another’s and moving them around. I had emotion in the kiss, I had feelings for the girl, this was special this is what made everything glow this is what set the world on fire, to have her be so close and hold her in my arms. That was the magical part. That was what is in a poet’s heart. The kiss was just a gate way to those feelings. To be needed and wanted, to feel excepted, to have another person care for your percents in this life is the beauty of this thing. I can only think that people miss this. They think that all these things lay in the kiss, but that is simply not true. If one places their lips on your hand do you get the same reaction, no. Is that not also your flesh? Do you not have nerves and feelings in your hand? You do, but their lips on your hand has little meaning compared to their lips on yours. A kiss, is but a kiss. A hug, is but a hug. The emotions that are transferred are substantially more. It is souls compacting, conversing, and letting each other know they are not alone.

The Poison Pearl

2005-04-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

She calls me special, like everyone else
She calls me friend, thinking of her self
She tells me her truths, which turn to lies
She tells me sweet words, but gives bitter replies
She wants my mind, body and soul, and in exchange
She offers a hole

Rock This Jerk

2005-04-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

Rock raises my soul, makes me want to dance and get the world to join in. It gives me energy like a coke addict, it’s my legalized drug and I'm due for a fix. It's funny how I can rock out by myself and have a great time, yet if I can get you to rock out with me it's improves the situation ten fold. When I hear a song that forces my foot to tap, I need to have you listen to it. To Place you into my little experiment, to see if this song affects you like it did me. The best songs I find sing about rocking out. It is a topic that, no matter how your feeling you could be (or should be feeling) the joyful vibrations of rock, making your head bob and hand tip the stirring wheel over and over, singing along to loud and much to off key. The best of songs can make a person dance in private and when discover can't stop dancing, and the best of people can have this effect on others.

I Know a Hell

2005-03-29T01:48:00.000-08:00

I know a hell, a hell that one carries every where they go. One can't be rid of it for anything in this world. It clasps onto the mind and won't let go. It taints all thoughts and joys a person might have in this would. This hell forces it's host into a deep and dark loneliness. Where nothing brings joy and he can only see glimpses of light from time to time. It is a bitter and cold hell that haunts my thoughts daily. One tries with everything they have to escape this hell, but there is nothing but black and once you are inside you don't know the way out. You crawl and crawl in the thralls of heartache looking for relief. You think it would be easy to give up, but the horror of that place is a driving force of it's own that one works with every fiber of their being to be rid of. With all ones effort and work they still fall short of escaping, it is a endless void of woo and misery. I was a lucky one, I was able to escape. What ever happens in this life I know it will be nothing compared to that hell I passed thought. I was saved by the light of Christ, in that bitter darkness there is a single point of light. It burns and tears at your soul. If you continue to move towards it burns more and more. I moved towards it in hopes of leaving the only place I had known before, trying to find something better. It would be easy to turn from the scourging light and try to rest in the cold blackness, yet I could not. It was a long journey one that I find still is not over, I wonder if it ever will be. The light is now the majority it covers almost every thing I see. There is still a point of darkness however where a cold wind blows from, chilling my soul when I think back at the horrors that it holds. It brings me almost to tears at the joy I have for simply being rid of that hell. The new horror however I could not truly glimpse until I had over come such a thing. I now here the cries of others who are in different hells and my soul cries out to their cause I also know their pain, but I know relife and they do not. I have to try and find them cause if I don't even all the glories, warm light in this world could not hold back the cries of those in need. I moved from one hell to another, this one is not mine however. Maybe it is yours, maybe it is you I am trying to help escape, like I was helped.

Just What is galumphing and can anyone teach me how to do it?

2005-03-28T12:43:00.000-08:00

’Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe:All mimsy were the borogoves,And the mome raths outgrabe.
“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!Beware the Jubjub bird, and shunThe frumious Bandersnatch!”
He took his vorpal sword in hand:Long time the manxome foe he sought—So rested he by the Tumtum tree,And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and throughThe vorpal blade went snicker-snack!He left it dead, and with its headHe went galumphing back.
“And, hast thou slain the Jabberwock?Come to my arms, my beamish boy!O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”He chortled in his joy.
’Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe:All mimsy were the borogoves,And the mome raths outgrabe.

Doubtless

2005-03-28T12:04:00.000-08:00

Jonathan bent over, grabbed a hand full of sand, and let it slowly slip through his fingers.

"Do you know what it is to fight for causes you will never see come to fruition?"

Roberson turned and regarded Jonathan.

"What do you mean Jon?"

Jonathan did not look up, but grabbed another handful of sand and let it go the same rout as the last.

"To know that the person you care for the most in this world cares for someone else. You still care for her none the less and work harder and harder everyday for her happiness, To wake up each day and think how can I make her day better and go to sleep each night wondering if you where able to. Why do I find such a weak emotion, that I only give away. What a fool man is."

"Thinking about Charity again?"

"Yes and no. I am always thinking about her. I am also wondering about the pantheons, why they fight us. As well as thinking about my actions and wondering if I am doing the right thing by being here."

"I know what you mean we are so easily driven by our emotions and desires. There are two reasons to really fight Jon, to protect something or to gain something."

"You think that's why they fight, because they are trying to gain what we have?"

"Maybe"

"They seem to be filled with such sorrow; I think that is why they are so strong because they are trying with everything they have to end that horror."

"Jon we are fighting with everything we have also, but to protect those precise to us. How come we seem to be stronger?"

"Cause they still have doubt, we know the pain of loneliness and now know the joy of acceptance. We fight to never have to go back to what we where, and to make sure no one we care for has to go there either."

Jonathan rose up and started to walk along with Roberson.

"You have to give your whole heart to the cause and then work till your body breaks to see it come to pass."

They walked along in silence. After some time they found a place to rest for the night. They set up camp and got ready to stay for the night.

"Jon does she ever write you?"

"No, haven't gotten a letter in a long time."

"I don't get you Jon, you have plenty of beautiful women that call upon you and yet you choose this girl that doesn't even write you, and yet you can't seem to help but smile."

"I have never been able to control my feelings really well. I do not know why I care for her as I do. I just do and am glad to be able to have this feeling."

"Don’t you wish she also cared for you? how can you smile Jon, she could do so much with a simple look at she refuse to even mention your name."

"I do wish she would care for me also, but that is of little importance to me. I work for her and if she does not return those feelings right now, it does not matter. Plus when she finally does smile at me and says my name it will mean all the more."

"She'll never love you Jon."

"She already does, just doesn't know it.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Don’t know. My confidence comes from the same place as my feelings for her. I know not their origin, yet I have them nonetheless. Rob you have your sweet Clarice and you question not your love do you?”

“True but, I know she cares for me also.”

“Would you still not care for her if she turned cold to you? I mean you might be hurt, but would you still not wish joy for her nonetheless. That is true feeling. That is how you know you care for someone.”

“I think your right, but I would be deeply hurt if she turned cold to me. So how can you not also be hurt when your Charity is cold to you?”

“I told you before Rob, I don’t doubt she will turn to me in time. To me this is a waiting game. She does me no wrong and causes no pain as long as I keep this a surety.”

“I marvel at you Jon.”

“Great show your appreciation by taking first watch.”

Jonathan leaned back against a tree and drifted off into a slumber, while Roberson stared into the fire and tried to decipher his emotions for his Clarice.

Love without Pain, No Thank you

2005-03-24T13:08:00.000-08:00

What is love without pain. To love must be one way, yet true love is two way. We hope for true love, but must be ready for such things to not happen. We must eat the pain that is dished out to us daily and ask for seconds. We build new resolves and break down old walls. We each long to change the world at least a little. Changing it into more of a place that we would like to live in. We try not to get down for our short comings, and must understand how truly great we our. Just because one sees us as less then we are does not mean that their view is correct. We must work with everything we have to change that outlook. I work, I change, I grow, Never giving into the void of sadness, yet I am still crouched on the edge staring in. I am doing all this cause one day you will look at me with those eyes I long to see. You will notice me, You will see me for the man that I am. Just a matter of time.

Teddy

2005-03-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

He reached down and picked up the flowers. They where larger then him and thus made for a very difficult carry. He looked like a small child bringing his father a rifle. The way it sticks out both sides of his arms, clinched to his chest and waddling back and forth not wanting to damage such important a thing. So was this bear like in bring the flowers to the man, and flowers can be just as deadly.

I got my feet in your sand.

2005-03-21T23:05:00.001-08:00

There is some comfort when one looks back and sees foot prints in the sand, proof of existence is right there in the dirt. There is some sorrow when the ocean wipes those foot prints away, proof that my existence here is only temporary. I think that there is something motivating that while those foot prints are only temporal as long as we keep moving they will always be there. The things we do in this world fade, but what makes those changes if what matters.

Which is my feet I guess? This doesn't make much sense but what does really.

Man Figure

2005-03-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

I awoke last night as a stick figure. I was still me but only made out of think black lines living in a white world. I was still a man but one could not tell from my appearance, because really stick figures unless they are dressed have no gender. So males and females are determined by personality not so much genetics and DNA. So any ways after getting over the shock of being a shell of a man I decide to take a look around. I found that I was not alone in this stick built world. I saw many things from stick cats and dogs to stick cars and planes. The world was virtually the same but a great deal simpler. One didn’t have to worry about colors or cloths or a third dimension. I found a street with lights and music spilling out and decide to take a walk down it. I found many other stick people and they found me. I could hear them and they me, but I am not sure how. We had neither ears for hearing nor mouths for speaking. All we really had where black dots for heads and lines to make up our bodies and limbs. This would have interested me but I was enjoying myself to much. I would have really liked to understand how one has a thing like a radio in such a situation. I found myself dancing and playing stick games. People cared very little about what they did because no one could tell one person for another so embarrassment was out of the question. I discover many other people had just awaked in the same situation like I did, however some had recently awaked and others had been here for some time. The ones that had been here for awhile said that most of the new people would leave later but some would stay for a long time. I meet a girl; I could tell by the way she talked also she said she was who I got along with great. The only problem is she thought it was the funniest thing to make me confused. She would run off into the crowed of people and I would have to find her. She looked like everyone else and she new that. I would have to go from person to person trying to tell if it was this girl. I never caught her name and I may never get her; this was not the point however. She enjoyed being looked for and I enjoyed finding her. I didn't like looking but what person does. We all want to be looked for. I tiered of the game after a while and went to the dance floor. I tried to have a good time but would always think that I was missing something. I dance till my little lines hurt. I then lay down and slept. Just before I drifted off I thought I heard her voice, or it was just a new song starting. I then awoke this morning and I decided to be me again and left that shell of a man behind. It was fun for a while but not me.

2005-03-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

Stick Person

Water Rising

2005-03-17T00:56:00.000-08:00

The glow of the light filled the room. Everyone was happily tossing fish from one place to another, grabbing bowels and buckets to fill with water, and then just throwing it over their shoulders or aimlessly to the side. Mostly they where just moving the water around not really getting any real work done. I watched the fools from afar as they played their games making themselves feel grand. All the while death circled the sinking room. Some of the people where really trying to save themselves and others, really they where the ones I felt sorry for, those where the ones that understood what was really happing and could easily have saved themselves and yet they could not give up on the others. The ones I hated where the ones that would not even take notice of the situation. They could plainly see what had to be done and yet would sit there refusing to say that things where not looking good. Each person’s mouth was moving; some saying very little with much movement of the lips others had no sound escape their oral cavity at all. A few only parted their lips slightly and screams and cries louder then ever I heard came forth. The movement of their jaws was just as odd as what the ears seemed to be hearing. Some would gather around those whose lips continuously move. They either hearing great things or waiting hoping to hear something. They may have just sat their not wanting to ask if anyone else could not hear him. Some responded with words to other who gave no question and all the while the screams from those few seemed to fall on deft ears. The water was about waist deep now and the fish harder to catch. Those that refused to leave the floor for one reason or another where either starting to or had finished drowning. The water continued to rise and the glow that filled the room faded. Soon it was dark and little could be hear but mumbling in the dark and rushing water. I think I should move up the stairs.

call in the dark

2005-03-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

I was in the middle of a perfectly beautifully depressing story when a girl called me and I lost my emotional motivation for writing. At one moment I was a man lost, trying to figure out the scatter clues of his ransacked apartment. I stood their in the mist of my broken life when the phone rang. I pick it up and that world was shattered. So pleasant a voice and claming a demeanor one can’t but help but be drag (even kicking and screaming) to a happier state of mind. When the call ended I had lost all taste for the story. I simply couldn’t remember where I was taking the reader, but I didn’t want to know. I was simply glad to be alive and wanted to think of happier things for the moment. So here is to women and people and things that make us glad to be alive.
I would like to hear some things that have drag others into a more joyful disposition.

There goes the neighborhood

2005-03-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

Check this out if the name Treavor rings a bell.

http://www.kaufusi.blogspot.com/

Random Thoughts

2005-03-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have taken lines from my real journal and placed them here. I thought it would be interesting for others to guess the context of each, or make up their own crazy ideas.

1. So out of no where I was hit in the head with something. The force of the impact was intense so much so that I awoke what seemed to be later that night.

2. Beware of information that you want to be true.

3. I am scared, I do not know my own feelings. I am at a loss of words. I found the dream girl for the man I was, yet I am no longer that man.

This is what I did instead of listening in class

2005-03-15T22:56:00.000-08:00

little cakes so soft and sweet
oh disc of joy I long to eat
made for me by a goddess divine
with hair so red so soft so fine
with skin milky smooth like cream
whose deep brown eyes fill my dreams
my love for you I will swear a creed
for your flipping skill is rare indeed
The feelings I have will always be something
as long as you keep those cakes a coming

Fading Feelings

2005-03-14T23:26:00.000-08:00

I know have my goodness with me. At the same time I can feel it fading. I want to do nothing that will make this feeling fade. I want to sing praises from the roof tops. I want to run through the streets expounding the things I have learend.