Paul the Prisoner

I have said sense I don't know when. That if I am ever rich I am doing something wrong. I hold to this and it is one of the most driving factors in my life. I have what I call the Schindler complex. I have trouble speeding any money on myself. I think every cd I want to buy could feed 50 kids in Kenya. Every time I want to learn how to surf I think that the fees and coast of the equipment could be used to dig a well in Cambodia. That would give fresh water to hundreds. I find lope holes some times. I am typing on a laptop and am going to school in Hawaii. I also hold little quam about spending it on others. The main problem I have with this is that I find myself wishing that I didn't feel this way. I am kept a prisoner of my own knowleage. It is frustrating cause I don't know how it help. I had my five year play all set up in highschool. I was going to go on a mission and then collage. Get a job in computer game development. Get married and have a freak of a lot of kids. Both natural and adoption. Last year of high school and the foundation for this plan started to get weak and then turned into a 6 or 7 year plan. One year after high school and it was blow out of the water. With the delay of a mission to try to find out if there was a message really worth messaging. As the journey thought life turned into a quest for knowleage there where many set backs and downfalls. As it says in Matthew "A seeker of knowleage is a seeker of sorrow" Amen. As my understanding of the world around be grew so did these walls that bind me. Light was shed on all those things that I thought where so important before. Just to find that some things hide in the dark cause that's the only way they can attative. I do love my walls, I was the one who asked for them and I helped in their construction. I am tempted by the sounds I hear on the other side. I get anger at those times of weakness. Angry at the people who are enjoins them selves. Angry at myself for wanting to tear down those walls. And angry for not being able to bring others in. I don't believe it's right to belittle others or even for me to tell another person that what they are doing is wrong. I try to teach by example, but how do I know that mine is even one worth teaching. Let alone that only works if people pay attention to you. It gets lonely in my prison. I have visitor from time to time. My father, whose insight is much greater then my own. I envy him so for he seems to have more walls then I do and uses them to guild not imprison. My brother, who at last I talk to had a room next to mine. My mother, who will most likely never understand why I do the things I feel I must, but will never stop trying. She still being the most important woman in my life brings that touch to my prison. Believe that if she just fixes it up nice, a couple chairs a few drapes and it's not so bad. Most others I have to speak to thorough the walls.

It's hard to talk thought walls.