My Sophistication

What can people really say about their own education? People who get the best schooling really complain the least, even though they would be the most qualified to do so. The issues with a poor education are that either people do not know that they are unlearned, or they do not have the words or ability to argue it very well. So, the responsibility falls onto the heads of those with a "proper" education. These people may not feel an obligation to change or improve things because they already have all the advantages that a good education brings. The only thing left to do is for people to take education into their own hands.

I myself am a product of both proper and poor educational systems. As a child I was pretty smart. I knew a lot of facts and was good at math. I grew up in a land called New Mexico, however, where if one was not in danger of becoming a junkie or gang member, then they were pretty much ignored. I was always told that I was bright and was not encouraged by my teachers to become brighter. These things had drastic effects on me as a child. Instead of learning and trying to grow, I became skilled at how to beat the system. I discover how to sweet talk my B into an A and how to get the class to turn on the teacher so as to not count an assignment. I would listen in class and cram right before a test, containing knowledge just long enough to let it spill out onto the paper. I got good grades in high school, yet I am now feeling the side effects of getting grades and not gaining intelligence. I do not know how to write proper sentence structures. I have no clue to the rules of grammar, and I could not tell you a date something happened in time to save my life. Montaigne would say that this type of intelligence is not really intelligence. That knowing facts and repeating what the teachers says is only the outward look of knowledge. I hope he is right.

A few years ago I moved away from home, and by doing so away from the persona and rut that I had made for myself. I had a lot of free time at first and started a journal. This was one of the biggest steps on my road to personal growth. I started to see myself like a character in a story, and I didn't like what I saw. The character had no depth; he couldn’t spell or put thoughts together. His ideas where childish and simple. He was a two dimensional character living in a three dimensional world. Also, at this same time my brother thought it a good idea to try to civilize me. He encouraged and challenged me to read a great variety of books. I learned things that I would have never found on my own. This was kindling to the fire that would soon start. I went about living my life, thinking I could learn a little on the side from books, but mostly from just experiencing life. All the while my brother built up the proverbial woodpile in my mind. I was like Don Quixote and his books. I had not yet reached the breaking point, but was quickly approaching it. While reading Don Quixote, I always wondered what the last book he read was. Was there one book that finally cut that last thread of sanity? As for me, there was. On a random whim, a match was tossed into that woodpile in my mind. I picked up a book called Slaughterhouse Five, where I learned about the fire bombing of Dresden at the end of World War II. It was a sucker punch to my way of thinking. I had heard of such bad things happening in books, but never thought of them happening in modern times. I think now I never really believed them to have happened in reality at all until that point in time.

To know that people would do such atrocities to each other sparked my thirst for knowledge. At first, this thirst was to disprove the things I had discovered, or at least show it as an isolated event. I had to find that redeeming quality in humanity. Instead of finding water all I found was fuel. With each new book the fire grew in intensity. I devoured many books in a short amount of time. I have dyslexia and had never really read very much, as it was difficult for me. However, in a matter of a few months I built up my own library. I could not go into a bookstore and leave empty-handed. I became an intellectual junkie. I was fortunate because I had many people in my life that helped keep me grounded before I went off the deep end. Unlike Don Quixote who people seemed only to play along with him in the name of help. I soon discovered that some of the things I was getting into were over my head. I needed help and decided to go back to school. BYU was very helpful, but the cost of learning and living were too much. I had to spend most of my time trying to earn a living to learn things that were not stimulating enough. I gained insights that I could not have gained on my own. However, it seemed that the fire inside me was slowly dying. Which at this point was not what I wanted. Before my awakening I was ignorant and thus safe. Now I knew there was more to learn, but was growing cold to the outside world. My thirst had not been quenched. I had just become accustomed to the feeling.

I began working at a home for mentally handicapped individuals. I took a semester off from school to work full time. This gave me the time to continue my own research and get more funds to ransom the knowledge others were holding hostage. I still find it disturbing that it costs so much to try and learn something. The work I had stumbled into was a flame to those dying embers. I had taken the job because I could not find another. I honesty had a fear of old people and people with mental retardation, these individuals were both. I was forced out of the rut I had eased into. A new fire was born. It was a different fire and fueled by different things, yet still gave warmth. I learned many things and grew exponentially. I found out how blessed I was. I learned the pain of death of those you hold dear. I had many experiences in a short time. It was like I crammed 3 years of living into one.

With little notice, I pick up my things and moved again. The best way to learn is to get outside your comfort zone. The best way to get outside of your comfort zone is to surround yourself with people you do not know. So, I came to Hawaii. I had another chance to rebuild myself in the eyes of those who did not yet know me. People tend to think we are who we project ourselves to be, and we begin to think of ourselves the way other people perceive us. I am learning about some of the simpler things in life, while still trying to keep those fires inside me burning. Many things attempt to put the flames out. Girls, games, movies, and music all can toss a wet blanket upon our flames, yet these are not all bad. Some people we encounter can make the flames explode and nearly consume us. Over these past few years I would like to think that the old me has been consumed by the flames. While I am still being purified, I have hope that I will find the answers to my questions. The seeker of knowledge is truly the seeker of sorrow. We learn about many disturbing things that we have little or no control over. We almost seem to be running towards a goal that we can never attain. However, I believe that if we just stop and look back at where we were, we can see progress has been gained. Maybe not a lot, but a lot better than none.