Letter from Home

Nothing makes you reevaluate your life like going home. For one it forces one back into the role of a child. At some point I am sure this changes, but that line is to far down the road for me to judge the distance. This has many pros and cons. For one it gives a sense of comfort from daily live. Also room and board our for the most part free. The draw backs are that they still want to act the role of a parent of a child. They try there best to "play it cool" to just take a back seat and enjoy you time with them, but always end up reverting back. I do not blame them for as I hear being a parent is the best part of life. The thing I can best relate what I see in them, is what I see in myself. Let me explain better. When I am around a girl that I am trying to impress, more then others, I find myself awkward. My words do not come. My jokes are off time. My movements are rough. I am trying my best to play it cool, but my real self shows past my usual facade. I think that it is the same with parents. They want to let their children "spread their wings", yet being around for much longer are filled with much more knowledge. It's funny cause being a parent is the consider one of the only times where keeping knowledge is considered acceptable. So they find it hard to act other wise. And like I act with the girl their true caring self sips out. I do not mind this. On the contrary I love it deeply (even if the nature man some times make me act other wise). I am way off subject let me start over.
Nothing makes a person re look at their life like going home. One sees people they knew as children. Ones goes to many places that have had so many memorizes. You talk with people that where at one point all their was to your life. You think about what life was like then, when you where younger. You think about how life is now, and if it really is that different. People like to think that they have change. That they have grown. Become a better person today then what they where yesterday. In this old environment however it seems to tell us that we still have much more to go before we can say we have grown. Maybe it is just me. Maybe no one else feels these my things. As I get older I am finding that I seem to be different then other. I am trying to resist these feels but time will tell the truth. Alas we then are forced into situations that we where in when we where younger. I for one find myself not acting much different. I dive back into my childhood games and pastimes.
This town to me is almost like a really crappy time capsule. For the people stay the same, yet everything else changes. Children are older, friends have gone to different places, people have moved away or returned, and yet seem to be the same. Kids I had know for church as a child myself are now full grown in prosuit of the things that they believe will make them happy. I seemed to have turned into an old man. Think about how such fools they are. Mostly cause of what a fool I was then. I am reminded of a joke I heard once. Think of yourself 10 years ago. where you smart? heck no. you where an idiot. No think in 10 years your going to be thinking the same thing about your self now as you do abut yourself 10 years ago. there was more to it then that but that is the part that had the point I was trying to make. once again knowing where this is going to be read, I must remind others these are my thoughts which are about as solid as jello on a hot day. It's going to melt away in time it's just a matter of when.
I find it hard to think clearly. Cause I am stuck in a loop. I have come to think as every body as human. I do not think of any race or religions as other wise. Wicked men I just look at with pity now and think of how one man can help. I am racked with the questions that I can hear others tossing my why if they could read my thoughts. "sure none volince is good, but what if someone was going to hurt your family?" "what if someone was going to rap another?" "What if someone was going to kill another?" "Is it not our job to try and stop them?" I have no answers to theses questions. This is what fills my thoughts. I don't know even where to Begin. I don't even know if I could hold back my anger or blood lust if I saw another person hit someone I care for. If one man hits another I would try to stop it but not feel for one or the other. If it was a friend or family then I would want to stop the other even if by force, if not start with it. ahhh..... what to do? what to do? Christ never hit anyone? He never killed another? Yet he had all power, that must mean something right. I am not sure what. it is late. And this is long. for another day.. for another day...