Friday, December 17, 2004

Split

It's funny. I have always watched movies and TV hoping and trying to inspire myself. As of recently I have found that most of the things that stir the most emotions and strivings are incredibly depressing. I tell a joke about how my mother once told me she thought I was depressed. I then proceed to tell me friends cause I thought it was so funny. They all told me that they could see me as depressed. I just thought "Well I was before. All my friends and family think I'm depressed. How depressing." I still think this is kind of funny. I have a ways seemed to learn more from pain and sadness then joy. I once said that I am an emotion Massasoit. I still hold to this believe. I seen to understand this more day by day. I also recently have discovered that I am two people. I was born on May 31 1983. I am a Gemini. Gemini are twins. I do not believe in such things, but I also know very little about them. I do know now that I am two people. As we all maybe. One of the two is stronger then the other. One is bound and gaged in the deeps of my mind. The other is in control. When I see or read the things that I do I can hear the other screaming. His voice is horse and soft for he is so deeply buried, yet he never quits yelling, never. He is so strong and has such endurance. I, I am so weak in comparison. How he was ever forced into submission I have no clue. The one in control is lazy. He has become better over the years. Lost many of his more wicked traits. He has kept this laziness however and as let it proceed. I am trying to dig down and free the other, yet the laziness is the real foe. I am not a violent man. Well that is not true. I am one. I have decided that I could never kill a man. I will never give in to evil men. I will also not kill them. People tell me that the lord sometimes use the good to kill the wicked. I hear stories of the children of Israel. I just think that they are not a great example of how to be. They where always quick to return to their wicked ways. If the lord wants someone returned to him, let him do it. He is all powerful and can do anything. I think people forget this allot. I could never take an innocent life. And as such I could never be part of a war then. I could not kill a evil man. For I would kill him in his sin. Which I could not forgive myself for. I have to much trouble forgiving myself for things that I have done to myself, let alone others. I the lord dame me to hell for such things so be his will. I could not live in heaven with a clear concision if I had done any such thing. I am not saying that all soldiers are evil. That I think that there is never for one man to take another's. I do not know of any, that does not mean that their is not one. People can be forgiven of such sins I believe. I have to believe it. The pain would be to much other wise. I simply know that I could not do it, cause I could not forgive myself. I will always stand a fight for what is right. I will not run and will not hide. I am no coward when it come to what is right. I will resist not evil neither will I run from it. I will turn my other cheek. I will not go gently into that good night. I will rage, rage against the dying of the light.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is your brother. good for you for reading poetry.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i absolutely agree with your bro! Nice, well done! Well...just think of Nephi slaying Laban..ok?

6:00 PM  
Blogger Kelsey said...

As said before, your example for when it is right to take another's life is Nephi and Laban. You would have had a ball with our debate this semester on Is War Ever Justified. It contained some rules for when it is "right" to start a war and when it is "right" to continue a war. Of course these guidelines are made by man and thus are not perfect.
Another thought that I came up with while reading your blog is this. When in a war for your country if you are drafted etc and end up fighting, the blood spilt is not on your hands. It is the responsiblity of the leaders of the countries involved. It is your responsibility to be obedient to your country. That's a brief of what that blog made me think...thanks for the mental stimulation, haven't had any for a bit.

12:25 AM  
Blogger Shaleen said...

My first thought when I came to the part about the children of Israel was the same as the others. My first thought was, "What about Nephi?" Anywho, just wanted to say "hi". I'm sitting at work, trying to catch up on people's blogs. So, yeah, anywho... I'll call you later, like I said I would...maybe today, maybe not. We'll see. : )

10:51 AM  
Blogger Amanda/Mandie said...

I can sometimes see and read the struggle you express. This is not an easy life nor are the things we experience in it easy. I am just the eternal optimist and continuously hope that people will realize that there is a better way than what they know. Unfortunately, I have to admit that I do not always follow the same ideals that I hope for others to ascribe to. Don't give up though. I'm sure somewhere you'll figure out how to win the war within yourself without sacrificing one of your many sides.

1:27 PM  
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8:15 AM  

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