Home sick for heaven
That is the only way I can think of how describe my emotional state. I was almost brought to tears today in public. It was over something stupid. It was a situation I had been in many times before. One that I had always shrugged off, yet this time. I could feel the tears swell inside of me. I had to escape the situation quickly before they exploded. I was both sad and angry at the same time. How ever not to the point of tears in either case. Billy Pilgrim in the book Slaughter house five would sometimes just start crying. He said that sometimes tears would just start to flow. With no rhyme and reason it would come and then go. I felt a little like that today.
On another note I think I am mostly troubled about how I can best use my time here. I want to help others and am stuck in paradise. In church there was a member of the high counselor that talked about not letting the world get you down. The only thing I seemed to only hear from him was "All is well in Zion." I know that in the end God wins. I know things are going to suck tell Christ comes. I still want to try and fix the problems of this world. I was told as a child "Work as if everything was up to you, and pray like everything is up to God." I would like to think that I still live up to this. I just seem to be at some crazy cross roads. Where the paths are limitless and most of the signs to point the right way. I need to take time and think of which way to go. I hate wasting time pondering over decisions. I mostly want to improve living conditions in other countries. And know not really what educational path I should take.
On another note I think I am mostly troubled about how I can best use my time here. I want to help others and am stuck in paradise. In church there was a member of the high counselor that talked about not letting the world get you down. The only thing I seemed to only hear from him was "All is well in Zion." I know that in the end God wins. I know things are going to suck tell Christ comes. I still want to try and fix the problems of this world. I was told as a child "Work as if everything was up to you, and pray like everything is up to God." I would like to think that I still live up to this. I just seem to be at some crazy cross roads. Where the paths are limitless and most of the signs to point the right way. I need to take time and think of which way to go. I hate wasting time pondering over decisions. I mostly want to improve living conditions in other countries. And know not really what educational path I should take.
Next are feelings of dread. For we all have monsters of our past. Things that we have tried to put behind us that we would like to move past. I have caged my monster. It took many years and much loss and heart ache, for me and my family. I lost so much in taming that beast. Now I feel him tearing at its chains. I fear that beast like nothing else. I went thought far too much trouble the first time, which I never wish it out again. I have learned to control almost all aspects of my life and am working hard at taming my emotions. Thanks to God and Gandhi I feel I am making great progress. I know that while that beast my rattle it's cage and break a few chains. It will never escape. For there is but one way out for it and it's thought me. I would now rather die then let it lose.
Well now that I got my spirit up, on to matters of the heart. I would like to think of myself as a lover of life. I can see beauty in almost all things. I try to see things from every point of view and events from as many perspectives as I can. Mostly thanks to my mother and Marsha have I developed this ability. I see how glories my friends are. I can describe anyone of them for hours and what great people they are. However this time it turns to Renae. If you beg to differ let me know, or if you just want to hear about your self that's cool to. People like hearing good things about them selves and I would be more then happy to help you with that. This time however goes to Renae and purely her shell that her ghost moves around this sphere. I know that she has a great personality but this is not about that. Vasu is really what inspired these thoughts. With my camera he stole images of some of god's greatest craftsmanship. Now no offense to Vasu or Sony, but he is not the best photographer and my camera is not the greatest of equipment. And yet with these, sitting in an old navy sweater and jeans she had a sublime beauty. With a sweet smile and quirky looks she filled a few images. And others a quite reverence. If one sees only these they would be sure to want to know more about her. These images however breath taking are still only shadows of the real thing. Her glory is so much more lovely in reality. So take it from me if you want to see eye filling foxiness in motion just look for a girl named Renae.
Well that was fun. Two muses in under a week. Makes one look forward to tomorrow and what wonders it brings. I think I should start a person of the day. Amanda has song of the day (even if sometimes she steals mine). I think I could easily pull out a person of the day. Well let's see who hits me with inspiration tomorrow.
posted by Judge of the Whetten's at 1:53 PM
6 Comments:
Judge, I wish I could understand you better sometimes because... I don't need a reason nor will I give you one, but just know that I think you are somewhat of a noble or at least somewhat noble.
muses are fun. I dunno if i've ever heard you put a name to a muse except maybe hip girl which definatly doesn't count. very fun.
I did find out hip girls name by the way.
hmm The past and the horrible world we live on.. I think we all have our caged beast as you were calling it. Some are worse then others some you wouldn't even connect with the person they are in today because of that persons growth. You are a great guy Judge one of the nicest people I have had the pleasure to meet and become friends with. SO remember that you will always have friends. I know this from personal experience that friends can take you out of the darkest corners of your life to the happiest and even when you are happy it is good to keep them along because you never know how you are affecting them.
As for the world and its downhill sprial it is stuck in there is not much we can do. I think that is why I am so wrapped in trying to see it all. I think that is why I do my tourism thing. I can then show others what else is out there as well and then maybe if I can't help, they will be able to since now they have seen what is out there. There are also the few who just might learn something as well. Kind of an unorthodox approach.
It is great you see the beauty in people alot of people can't do that. Keep writing and praying and trusting. I think in the end we are all homesick for heaven.
hmm where did that come from...
I think it's good to cry sometimes, I haven't cried in a LONG time - I've come close to tears, but they never come. How sad am I? Wishing sometimes I could cry! I don't know most of the time I feel emotionally constipated =S. It's even hard for me to laugh sometimes, Mike shows me a bunch of funny clips and most of the time I just sit there and shake my head. I think that's why I like 'her' so much, she can make me laugh by just being there, I can't explain it, it just is.
I think it's awesome how much you think about your future. All I ever think about my future is enjoying what I do when I graduate. I think sometimes I'm living in a fairyland and I need to wake up. I think you're waking up Judge, you're realising there's more to this world than you, which is very unselfish of you and that's awesome. I guess the answer to what educational path you should take lies in HOW you want to help you. the best way would be to help people to help themselves, and that would imply, but is not restricted to, some sort of teaching career.
You do seem to me like a lover of life, anyone who joins seven clubs really must want to live life to the fullest and even if I do say you're crazy sometimes i respect what you're trying to do and I wish I could organise myself as much as you do.
I'm glad I "inspired" such an amazing thought process as the one described above. It's funny you should mention taking pictures as stealing, I tend to think of it more as creating memories. Yeah, that sounds so Kodak momenty, but I love photos (as anyone who has seen my room would know). I can look back and almost be back in Australia with my friends, and photos not only allow you to transcend distance but also time. This week I had the opportunity to see a picture of my Dad hung in the library from the early 1980's and going through some of my sister's photos I saw one of my Mum on her mission, almost 30 years ago. I think that's why I went trigger happy, I've just started realising how important it is to remember all my friends, especially since in a few months I may never see many of them again. I won't pretend I'm some awesome photographer (I don't really think I excel at anything except being an idiot =P), but I took the photos because it was fun (and not just because people kept saying they were going blind).
I think Renae has an amazingly natural beauty. And while the pictures may just be shadows, sometimes even the shadows are enough to lift our spirits, especially a shadow as sweet, outstanding and fun-loving as Renae's.
I think your person of the day is an awesome idea, and I'll write one for you since you can't write about yourself.
And Stuff,
~Vasu~
judge, the "anonymous" here is not me, ayt? This is the first time I've seen your post so...I just remember the time you asked me if I was the one who's always posting comments as ANONYMOUS...just so you know, that one here is not me...
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