As a friend drops so does my heart.
I believe in things called true emotions. True joy and true pain. They are things that can't really be explained. I have read books about people feeling them but words just don't do them justice. I can explain for days how it feels to ride a motorcycle, yet until you get on one. You just can't understand. I also think that to weep bitterly one has to be feeling true sorrow. I have read about weeping bitterly and thought I knew what it meant. In truth I had no idea. Water flows from my vision holes more then I would admit. This is from sad movies and stories how ever. It is only a shadow on sadness. It is sorrow for ideas and thoughts that I only think about. Not that I know or have deep rooted emotions for. There are events in our lives that we can never forget. There are things that we do, or events that happen, that change our lives dramatically very quickly from that point on. I can not explain the event in full detail for as I just said there are no words to make one understand. Unless one has felt it for themselves. I will also not speak about the event that I know others are telling. This telling is purely my thoughts on the event. How my heart broke and I wept bitterly.
People will tell me that it is not my fault. Let me say now that it was and I wholly responsible. It was my responsibility to check and recheck things. I was the experienced one. I was the one looked to for what to do and I messed up. Su fell because I didn't check her equipment properly. I was so lucky cause her fall was not fatal. Things could have easily gone much worst that night. After running down to see if she was alright we talk about how she was doing and what to do next. I had forgoten my oil but am never with out God's power. I had never had such inspiration as I did there. Her condition seemed to quickly get better after she got over the shock of it all. While others took Su to the car I went to take down the climbing equipment. Justin offered to help but I knew I could do it by myself and knew I was about to lose it and wished to do it alone. I know not how well I hide it from the others but I think they knew that something was wrong with me also. As I ran around the bend to get up the cliff I stopped and fell to my knees. My head then followed and I wept like I never have know before. My body shock with such force. The thought of my friend being in pain and knowing that I was the cause was to much for my system. She had placed trust in me. Oh how mightily she looked stepping from the cliff. She had taken the start of the repel like no one I had ever seen. She gave me such faith and I repaid that with letting her down. I forced myself to climb as I cried to get things together; So that we could get out of there and get Su home. I was able to rebuild my defense by the time I got back down where Justin was. Told him once again I could pack everything up on my own. With that he left and I tried to get things together as best I could. I lost it again when I was alone once more. I got things together but the sobs took me back to my knees. Such and intense emotion. How could such things excised and I not know about them. I laid there for a few minutes more and knew that they where waiting on me. I dug down deep and force myself to my feet. I ran dragging the bag stubbing and bailing. What a sight I must have been to see. I have lost people I care about before. I have had friends die. I was sad then, yet it was nothing in comparison to this. I can not find the words for these thoughts. I pulled the pieces back together once more as I approached my friends. I made an attempt to act like nothing was wrong. I made a few jokes and had not the timing or the tone for these. everyone ask if I was OK and I pushed them away and lied. Thinking that I had to be strong and breaking down in front of them would not help anything. When we got back to campus Su was rushed off for first aid. I was left wondering and praying. I turned down a ride and walked back to my room. I throw my stuff in a corner and took a shower. I am so glad that everyone in my hale seemed to be gone cause they could have easily hear my sorrows. I bathed in my tears that night. I fought my demons that wish to dull my emotions. To pacify things and take the pain away. I got out and got dressed. I listened to music and partook of a vending machine feast. it is weird how food can be such a comfort. The day ended and the next came. I heard that she was OK , and in much better condition it seemed, then I was. I got her a card and a cow. A cow for she likes cows and a card to let her know my thoughts and cares. Thinking these things would help I then left to try and get passed my thoughts. I found others and tried not to think about Su for I knew there was nothing I could do at the moment. I was not very interesting today. I had no confidence in myself and thoughts always turned to her. I tried to take back my role in the group but my heart was not in it. I tried a few times to return to my bed but the lord had other ideas. I finally saw her at night and had trouble facing her. I never could look her in the eye. This is where these tellings end.
Much more went on which is not worthy of filling in the same space. I will try to hit the high lights and questions can be asked. We made cookies, We played pool , and we played other weird games too. Saw the most beautiful sight I had yet to see in Hawaii. I also had allot of fun with Trevor. I lost my study sheet. And was slapped in the face by my crush. Well emotionaly slapped. Well emotion crush. Read some in a book and took a nap.
Su I truly am sorry
People will tell me that it is not my fault. Let me say now that it was and I wholly responsible. It was my responsibility to check and recheck things. I was the experienced one. I was the one looked to for what to do and I messed up. Su fell because I didn't check her equipment properly. I was so lucky cause her fall was not fatal. Things could have easily gone much worst that night. After running down to see if she was alright we talk about how she was doing and what to do next. I had forgoten my oil but am never with out God's power. I had never had such inspiration as I did there. Her condition seemed to quickly get better after she got over the shock of it all. While others took Su to the car I went to take down the climbing equipment. Justin offered to help but I knew I could do it by myself and knew I was about to lose it and wished to do it alone. I know not how well I hide it from the others but I think they knew that something was wrong with me also. As I ran around the bend to get up the cliff I stopped and fell to my knees. My head then followed and I wept like I never have know before. My body shock with such force. The thought of my friend being in pain and knowing that I was the cause was to much for my system. She had placed trust in me. Oh how mightily she looked stepping from the cliff. She had taken the start of the repel like no one I had ever seen. She gave me such faith and I repaid that with letting her down. I forced myself to climb as I cried to get things together; So that we could get out of there and get Su home. I was able to rebuild my defense by the time I got back down where Justin was. Told him once again I could pack everything up on my own. With that he left and I tried to get things together as best I could. I lost it again when I was alone once more. I got things together but the sobs took me back to my knees. Such and intense emotion. How could such things excised and I not know about them. I laid there for a few minutes more and knew that they where waiting on me. I dug down deep and force myself to my feet. I ran dragging the bag stubbing and bailing. What a sight I must have been to see. I have lost people I care about before. I have had friends die. I was sad then, yet it was nothing in comparison to this. I can not find the words for these thoughts. I pulled the pieces back together once more as I approached my friends. I made an attempt to act like nothing was wrong. I made a few jokes and had not the timing or the tone for these. everyone ask if I was OK and I pushed them away and lied. Thinking that I had to be strong and breaking down in front of them would not help anything. When we got back to campus Su was rushed off for first aid. I was left wondering and praying. I turned down a ride and walked back to my room. I throw my stuff in a corner and took a shower. I am so glad that everyone in my hale seemed to be gone cause they could have easily hear my sorrows. I bathed in my tears that night. I fought my demons that wish to dull my emotions. To pacify things and take the pain away. I got out and got dressed. I listened to music and partook of a vending machine feast. it is weird how food can be such a comfort. The day ended and the next came. I heard that she was OK , and in much better condition it seemed, then I was. I got her a card and a cow. A cow for she likes cows and a card to let her know my thoughts and cares. Thinking these things would help I then left to try and get passed my thoughts. I found others and tried not to think about Su for I knew there was nothing I could do at the moment. I was not very interesting today. I had no confidence in myself and thoughts always turned to her. I tried to take back my role in the group but my heart was not in it. I tried a few times to return to my bed but the lord had other ideas. I finally saw her at night and had trouble facing her. I never could look her in the eye. This is where these tellings end.
Much more went on which is not worthy of filling in the same space. I will try to hit the high lights and questions can be asked. We made cookies, We played pool , and we played other weird games too. Saw the most beautiful sight I had yet to see in Hawaii. I also had allot of fun with Trevor. I lost my study sheet. And was slapped in the face by my crush. Well emotionaly slapped. Well emotion crush. Read some in a book and took a nap.
Su I truly am sorry
posted by Judge of the Whetten's at 6:59 PM
3 Comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself...
We all make mistakes in this life. Some big and some small. Men are, in fact, careless by default (both Faye and I have the knack of spilling things). What you have done is about the same- it was just an accident.
I know your feeling of guilt could be even more painful than what happened to my sister. But you have done whatever you could to make things right, that is the important thing.
I do not blame you for your actions and I know Heavenly Father won't either. My sister will get better and hopefully you can too.
The incident has also taught me the importance of being more careful. I have learnt a great deal from your experience, and I thank you for that.
Su's braddah
I knew something was wrong in the car but it didnt really seem like you wanted to bring it up. Dont worry about crying. Everyone does it. I hate to cry but then sometimes it is the only way the emotion can be let out. I am just glad that you and Justin were there to give Su a blessing at a time when she needed it. So Thank You.
I have often found it interesting the way different people react to different stress or even the same stress. (Maybe that's why I'm a Psyc Major.) I know I still don't fully understand what you had to go through that night. Honestly I still think it was much harder on you then it was on Su. She's so quick to forgiveness i don't know if she ever thought it was needed. I stand on the outside with all these things, emotionally that is. I've done it so many times and it always seems to work for me, even if it almost kills my sister. it defines me as the Drama Queen instead of the Emotion Queen. It's a role I've set up for myself...sometimes i wonder if it was good thing to do.
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