Thursday, May 26, 2005

Flesh and bone, Flint and Steel

What is a man but a lump of flesh. All I have to offer is blood, sweat, and tears. Well according to Mr. Church hill. They say that time heals all wounds, but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays. I have my new resolve, I know what I am going to do with the next few years of my life. I know where I want to go and what I want to do, but wheels set in motion take time to turn. I have started things that I must finish. I have gone places that I mustn't leave right now, and never in my heart. I have meet people that still need me and I still need someone. Tomorrow seems to still be a day away, but at least now I know what I will be doing when that accursed sun finally shows it flamboyant head.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Give it up, Give it in and let us Begin

What does it take for a man to give up his life. To even be willing to fight with the chance of lousing it. Friends, family, power, greed, money, woman, honor, duty, obedient what snaps in the heart for it to realize that some things are more important then a persons individual life. To go from I think there for I am to I am there for I am for others. Then can these people now willing to give up the ghoust sacrifice this thing that gave them this freedom to lay down their life. Can a man that fights to save his family give up protecting them in order to save others. Can a man that fights for duty go against it if it turns him to forsaken paths. are these the things we learn to fight and die for, or are these just excuse to give in. I tossed my life upon that fire long ago, it's just a matter of time till it burns up. I don't care myself, but I now question what cause I claim as my lack of luster to stay here. Why am I so pleased with life and yet can give it up so easily if needs be. Now I may only think I can. I have decide that if I need to I will give up my life with little thought, but saying and deciding something is one thing, while doing it is another.
Interesting....I'm I alone in this. do others have the same feeling, if not for life then money, love, food, or the shirt of their backs. I simply wonder...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


May the world burn and boil. That is what all my friends say. That this world will come crashing down and shatter like all those dreams it crushed in it's wake. I once heard a passer by talk about all the progress that people have made. We've develop many miracles in medicine, when we don't use the time we do have. We have invented new ways to communicate, when we don't even really talk to each other. I have a friend I just I've never meet in Mississippi and yet I don't even know my neighbors name. People say that this world is a great place and worth fighting for. I agree with the second, not with the first.

By now you reading this start to think about the mind set of the wrighter, know that I am if sound mind and heart. I struggle on wards from day to day, but the struggle is what life is. To give up or be content with where is no better then death. What is this thing called death? People are so fearful of it. It drives people more then I believe even they know. Some become obsessed with this "death" and others laugh at them for this obsesstion. I see no difference between the teenage who dresses in all black pondering death and the old man in the lab coat thinking about a big bang. If you really think about it, the kid is more upbeat cause he is looking towards the future.

These words are cold and my heart can't breath life into them. Hopefully yours can. What is a wish, but a desire to change ones situation to that of a better one. I believe in the rules of equal trade. If you want something, something of equally value must be given up. So what am I bringing to the table. My self and all that I have. The trade was easier before cause happiness was bought for other and there was always left over for me. Now I seem to want something’s for myself, and now myself and my efforts are not nearly enough. I need my friends to be friends. I need to confront my little misgivings and misleadings. I need my friends to do like wise. This last semester people have fallen into the darkness. I can't pull them out alone. I need your help. But a simple reply will not do it. I need you to place aside your fears, your hate, and you distrust. Yes we are most likely all going to get hurt in this adventure, but the prize is most precious. It is not just our friends in the dark but us also. I've seen more mistrust and scheming in the group then I've seen anywhere in a long time. I need you.... we all need you.... and I think you need us also...

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Best Imatation of Myself

Ok, really title has nothing to do with anything else, just like a French movie. I am easily districted like a cat and a piece of string. I plan out things that I need to do, yet become distracted much too easily. I have become fat and lazy where anything that is worthless takes precedence over those that have real value, why? Well I have grown to seek worldly attention. I have come to hate being a hermit. To grow and progress I always have needed my hermit time. Where I am simply by myself studying, working out, reading, writing, listing to music, or simply meditating (and by meditating I don't mean lotus position all monk style, but simple just thinking.) I miss it so much and at the same time hate to not be a part of the up and up. Get stuck in these crossroads, going one way then another. Never really getting anywhere, because I can't decide on my destination. These things use to be so easy. My life was simple. Then I feel in love and discovered what it was to truly care for someone. Sacrificing was simply on a need to basis. If they need me to then I would do anything for them (them being anyone and everyone). Now it has become an all the time thing. I give everything all the time to the people around me and the ones that take it most of the time doesn’t want it. I think if I went to see some professional they would say I am going through a break down. I always hated professionals. Who are they really to say what is going on? Why must it be a break down? What if this is a step up. When this big blue globe turns a freiy red and goes "POP" what will it matter if I got an A on that History test? People are what matters, and while I must work towards being able to help many in the future I can't give up on those I see around me today. What point is it to always talk and prepare. Words are worthless and actions are priceless.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Another Image of myself

Tomorrow is unclear and today is that lost case. I have gotten trunky for the unknown. I want more adventure and new people and places. To remake myself though the eyes of strangers as I force them to see what I want them to and thus forcing myself into more of the person I wish to be. I have broken one of the rules I set for myself before I got here and now I am feeling the side effects. I said I was not going to pee into the pool I swim in. I dated a girl in the group and now it has caused chaos and distress throughout. I turn my back now on love and the fairer gender. I flirt and hangout but my heart has been placed back upon that shelf in the back of my mind. I don't like myself while in the thrualls of love, or maybe it's lust. It is not good for either party. I want to give her all my time and effort and she wants to take it, but this is not right and each has to fight to keep their senses.

People argue that love's the greatest of emotions, which might be true but I think I have felt stronger. Duty, desire, effort, confusion, and battle lust. I have felt all of these things much stronger. Now maybe people will say I have yet to find the right person, which maybe true but even then I care not if I do at the moment. I can do much more now thinking of others without having cares for one by herself. I treat myself and all my things like crap and could not have nice things which are what I would want to give her. I need to grow more and gain life experience before those things can come into play. I need to work on getting myself back to who I was. I will never like I did for a girl. I will never give so much of myself for so little again. I did not mind the trade, but others did and I think so did the lord. I told him awhile that this life is his and I must make atonement for taking free rain of it again. The world will be a better place because I was once in it. I only need to give everything I have in seeing this come to pass. I have never bought a drunk a drink and never will. I never want to add to the woos of this world just take from them.