Friday, January 27, 2006

maybe cake?

oh I love cake, I mean I don't eat meat and I don't drink milk, but I still eat baked goods. Heaven is a moist cake. Oh man.. I mean holy crap it's so good. Honestly it help my testimoy. It's proof that god loves me right there in nice little slices.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

some pics for the coolest girl in japan.

A pic I made for a final. the best flowers ever.

Me in hawaii looking mad. Me in hawaii as gay as can be.

My golden locks.
Well that should do for now. I will give a photo review of the past year later, but just be happy for now.

Curse these eyes.

well really I only curse one. The right one if you really wish to know. I want to remove it from my head. I do not wish to do this like vincent. I wish to remove it cause it is causeing me such pain. I am not being symbolic here people. It keeps trying to jump out of my head and I am now starting to want to help it out. It has been doing this for a few days and I am seeing no end in sight well really I am not seeing much.

On to other things, these pain in my eye wouldn't be so bad if it was only pain. The thing is however that it causes me to be short temperd and ill willed. When people talk to be I am not as forgiving or wity as normal and these always leads to the question I hate more then anything "Are you really a man?" wait... no not that one, these one "Are you ok?" Heck no I'm not ok my eye is freaken twiching to some random beat that I can't hear. I can't understand why people ask that question. No one really cares if your ok for the most part if they ask that question. They want you to say yeah I'm peachy keen I just didn't sleep well but I'm ok now.

Ok I think I am coming off much more bitter then I think I really am. The agian I am just bitter enogh to notice it and not really care. woot woot. I wrote a flippen sweet poem today about life and the gosspel and that jazz. I am not putting it up however cause it does really fit the mode I have made. I am also sick of distance. I mean I have allot of friends in many different places that I have never seen face to face. I am also sick of the lasiness of others, are they really al that lasy well most likly not. I am raving however so lets keep the ball going. I mean no one here I know dates or wants to do crazy things. They all want to watch movies or just hang out. Well I want to set the world on fire, I want to go to playes and go dancing. I want see movies that I have to read and in the end am more confussed then when I went in. I want to get my heart broken and I want to not be alone in this. I want to love and I want to kindle my anger. I want to help strangers and I make randome people smile. I want to kill the beast of dout and dance on his grave in some public place. Is it so strang to wish for best out of others and myself. Is it also so bad to be upset that I do not get it out of either.

I guess all I am really asking is for people to join me in my advertures.

P.S. I am also sick of people (and by people I mean women) cutting all contact without notice. I understand the weirdness that is me. I understand that I am a "nice guy". I have been told I need a shirt that warings people of both. Well I haven't gotten one yet, still people have the decently to say that I freak you out. Heck it doesn't even have to be to my face. this is getting way to sad. Makes it sound like I can't get a date or that women run from me. that's not the case, but still I am troubled by the few cases that I know.

Monday, January 16, 2006

What's in this shell I call a man?

I am called weird among many other things. I stop and smell the roses, I stare and the sky and wonder what it is to fly, and then I try. I am by no means like people want me to be. I see the world how I like and am not driven to one thing or another by any means. I am sure advertising temps me to get new shoes or drive that flashy car, but I am not the normal person. Their advertising has little affect on me. I think it has something to do with being rasied by video games and dreamers. I could not tell you one word of wisdom my mother or father ever gave me. I could not tell you any stories about how I learned by their example. All I know is what I am today, and who I wish to be tomorrow. I know that this came from them and those video games they let me spend hours on each day. I talked with a friend the other day, but I think I learned something from her that I never thought of before. I have been told many times that I have a hero complex, well it came out in the conversation with her that "maybe I'm just trying to gain a level". Well it might sound chessy, but maybe that is what I am doing. I am the hero in my own life story. I am not always happy, but I'm not always sad. With any good story there are ups and downs, the odd thing how ever is that I enjoy all the feelings I feel. I was angery the other day over something that I felt right to be mad over. Christ never said anger was wrong, heck God kindles his anger all the time, but the diff is that his is rightous while mine was confusstion base. I care for people I swear I do, I just have no follow though. Well today is gone and so is tomorrow. The road goes on continuting to narrow, and I'll walk it stright as an arrow. This is not the path that you might think, nither right nor wrong, simpley the path that leads to who I wish to be. This elosive man that I can not find, but contine to search all the time.

oh and have a great day.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

May the world feel my joy

The sun sets, but my hope does not
As the day presses on my faith was renewed.
I tie ribbons around necks
that drag women down to heck
why am I so happy then
well because I can save them again
For i tie it unknowingly,
ever so slowingly.
but quickly can I untie the knot,
bring her the happiness that I have sought

silly me kicks are for twits

Ok so I have this friend named mike, and if you don't have a friend named mike I suggest you get one. They are really great and come in all shapes and sizes. Well mine is the nerd versen which really works best for me. Well he played medator or a girl I new that hated me. He really wanted to know what happend and I didn't really know myself. Did this stop him no, he did what had failed be in the past. Mike went and asked her. Well after finding out he told me about it, which is where his part in all this ends. Thanks mike. Well I discovered that she was angery at something that didn't make sense to me. All of the bitterness and anger on both sides was over something simply stuip. She had said something that I misunderstood. I tried to help something that was not in need of help. Here i was tring to build a house where one had already been. If you know anything about tring to sleep then you know it's hard when someone is putting holes in your house tring to build you one. Well the whole thing could ahve been simply fixed at the time if she would have told me I had misunderstood. Things would have also been fine if I wasn't always so gung ho about helping people. Should really look before you leap I guess. Anyways when I understod this I almost felt like lughing. I mean in every realationship there are misunderstandings and things left unsaid. No relationship is really ever has full closer. You get enogh to be happy and forget about it. The little things that bother you fade away with time. Some people need more closer then others and some people don't need any. Well the whole thing wouldn't have gone like it did if it hadn't been brought back up later. We had gone our different ways, but I was still trying to make a house where one was already. Now the care and understanding had faded and I was just some jerk knocking holes in her house. Well I would be angery also. So I hope things will get better. I know I'm ok and doing good. I am sure she is also. I mean at one point we dated and I only date great people. Which is while I know that she might still hate me, but I know that she will be fine.

4:30 still no sleep

you say nothing, but set it in stone
wont be happy till I break every bone
time slipps away and brings more days
where nothing ever changes, it's still all the same

I had a girl once, and I tied a ribbion around her throat. The ribbon was tied to a stone that she could not lift. When I left her I left the ribbon. She is still in the water trying to get air. People wonder why I do not date, I wonder also. Is it cause I pitty the girls sinking into the deep blue or is it that I'm out of ribbon?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Vincet info

Well first let me say that as you might have seen you are not getting all the vincents. You only get the ones I want you to have. Vincents story is unlike other that I have written before, mostly in the fact that I write his story purly for myself. I write many things that are not placed on this thing, more now days then before, but that is mostly due to their lack in quality. Vincent is different however, for the fact that he is pure to me. I give only his tales that others can not affect. Once a story or a poem is placed in public then what the author belives only becomes part of the meaning behind the story or poem. The writing takes on a life of it's own. You only get the part of Vincent that I think you might like to see that will not take away for him for me. I am greedy I know, but that's the glory of grace cause it makes life not far.

Vincent (part 7)

Vincent finally found charity in the darkness. Vincent held her tight and she held him. They both laughed and Vincent swung charity in a circle as they held each other all the more. "I have been lonely for so long. I am so glad that I have finally found you." Charity held him like he held her at first but slowly let her grip slip. Vincent loosened his also putting her at arms length and tried to look at her. "what is wrong?" Charity forced herself free and pushed Vincent over. As he was trying to get up he was asking what was wrong. As Vincent had gotten himself to his hands and knees; Charity gave him a hard kick to the ribs sending Vincent back to the floor. Charity did not wait however after kicking him she ran back off into the darkness.

Vincent lied there for a long time. He so wanted to be bitter to wallow in his sorrow, he also wanted to be angry. To scream at charity for always using a abusing him. Finally he lent out a scream "Why did you kick me? Why did you push me away? What am I to you?" Vincent bit his lip and hit the ground over and over. "Why am I always the one to comfort you, to let you know that your beautiful, and then kicked to the curb once my purpose is filled? You hold me so warmly and make me feel at home, only to rip it from me once agian. Your words are kind at first and so are your actions, however you do this to me in the end" Vincent sat up and rubbed his side. After a bit he sat up and brushed himself off, fixed up his shirt and straighted his hair. As he started walking again he whisper "The thing that bothers me most is that I would still die for you."