Sunday, January 30, 2005

photos people want to see


As a friend drops so does my heart.

I believe in things called true emotions. True joy and true pain. They are things that can't really be explained. I have read books about people feeling them but words just don't do them justice. I can explain for days how it feels to ride a motorcycle, yet until you get on one. You just can't understand. I also think that to weep bitterly one has to be feeling true sorrow. I have read about weeping bitterly and thought I knew what it meant. In truth I had no idea. Water flows from my vision holes more then I would admit. This is from sad movies and stories how ever. It is only a shadow on sadness. It is sorrow for ideas and thoughts that I only think about. Not that I know or have deep rooted emotions for. There are events in our lives that we can never forget. There are things that we do, or events that happen, that change our lives dramatically very quickly from that point on. I can not explain the event in full detail for as I just said there are no words to make one understand. Unless one has felt it for themselves. I will also not speak about the event that I know others are telling. This telling is purely my thoughts on the event. How my heart broke and I wept bitterly.

People will tell me that it is not my fault. Let me say now that it was and I wholly responsible. It was my responsibility to check and recheck things. I was the experienced one. I was the one looked to for what to do and I messed up. Su fell because I didn't check her equipment properly. I was so lucky cause her fall was not fatal. Things could have easily gone much worst that night. After running down to see if she was alright we talk about how she was doing and what to do next. I had forgoten my oil but am never with out God's power. I had never had such inspiration as I did there. Her condition seemed to quickly get better after she got over the shock of it all. While others took Su to the car I went to take down the climbing equipment. Justin offered to help but I knew I could do it by myself and knew I was about to lose it and wished to do it alone. I know not how well I hide it from the others but I think they knew that something was wrong with me also. As I ran around the bend to get up the cliff I stopped and fell to my knees. My head then followed and I wept like I never have know before. My body shock with such force. The thought of my friend being in pain and knowing that I was the cause was to much for my system. She had placed trust in me. Oh how mightily she looked stepping from the cliff. She had taken the start of the repel like no one I had ever seen. She gave me such faith and I repaid that with letting her down. I forced myself to climb as I cried to get things together; So that we could get out of there and get Su home. I was able to rebuild my defense by the time I got back down where Justin was. Told him once again I could pack everything up on my own. With that he left and I tried to get things together as best I could. I lost it again when I was alone once more. I got things together but the sobs took me back to my knees. Such and intense emotion. How could such things excised and I not know about them. I laid there for a few minutes more and knew that they where waiting on me. I dug down deep and force myself to my feet. I ran dragging the bag stubbing and bailing. What a sight I must have been to see. I have lost people I care about before. I have had friends die. I was sad then, yet it was nothing in comparison to this. I can not find the words for these thoughts. I pulled the pieces back together once more as I approached my friends. I made an attempt to act like nothing was wrong. I made a few jokes and had not the timing or the tone for these. everyone ask if I was OK and I pushed them away and lied. Thinking that I had to be strong and breaking down in front of them would not help anything. When we got back to campus Su was rushed off for first aid. I was left wondering and praying. I turned down a ride and walked back to my room. I throw my stuff in a corner and took a shower. I am so glad that everyone in my hale seemed to be gone cause they could have easily hear my sorrows. I bathed in my tears that night. I fought my demons that wish to dull my emotions. To pacify things and take the pain away. I got out and got dressed. I listened to music and partook of a vending machine feast. it is weird how food can be such a comfort. The day ended and the next came. I heard that she was OK , and in much better condition it seemed, then I was. I got her a card and a cow. A cow for she likes cows and a card to let her know my thoughts and cares. Thinking these things would help I then left to try and get passed my thoughts. I found others and tried not to think about Su for I knew there was nothing I could do at the moment. I was not very interesting today. I had no confidence in myself and thoughts always turned to her. I tried to take back my role in the group but my heart was not in it. I tried a few times to return to my bed but the lord had other ideas. I finally saw her at night and had trouble facing her. I never could look her in the eye. This is where these tellings end.

Much more went on which is not worthy of filling in the same space. I will try to hit the high lights and questions can be asked. We made cookies, We played pool , and we played other weird games too. Saw the most beautiful sight I had yet to see in Hawaii. I also had allot of fun with Trevor. I lost my study sheet. And was slapped in the face by my crush. Well emotionaly slapped. Well emotion crush. Read some in a book and took a nap.

Su I truly am sorry

Friday, January 28, 2005

The art of heart in hand

Four marks on my hand. No one knows the meanings of these but God, a book and I. The meanings of these is my greatest secret at the moment. Why I am writing these things I do not know. Other then I fell the urge to. It may just be part of perfecting the self. Place things in God's hands when your not sure about it yourself.

Well speaking of happy things, let us speak of Brei. Brei, what can be said about one of the top ten girls that I know.
{quick side note}
I have a list of top ten girls I know they are not in a order for I could not decide between them. {end of side note}
She is the sweetest thing I remember about Utah. Like a cupcake, but don't call her a cupcake. She has now told me that she is trying to be sweeter. Cause she was thought of as rude after hanging around nothing but stinky boys. I thought that this would be like putting sugar on that cupcake. Yeah it maybe sweeter but what is the point. It just sounds weird. She has a picture of a baby being happy in the tub. With a quick look one easily thinks some thing else is happening other then it getting water poured on it. She also has the greatest Beaker impression in the world. It still haunts my dreams. She has no name in my phone for she has changed her number sense I have moved. When I finally get it again she will most likely be sassy grass. No one can tell Brei what to do. Even if you say "Do what you want." This is still not aloud cause one would be telling her what to do then also. I have used this joke. Not to the full effect that she has been able to pull it off. It works none the less. Brei has a real gift for music. She knows and likes all the best bands. She can play the piano better then anyone I know. Brei is not a cheese but if she was I think it would be very tasteful. She also just met kip from Napoleon Dynamite. I am very bad at keeping in touch with people who are not around me. Cause if I think about them too much I want to hang out and be with them. I worry about them (I get this from my mother) and Brei would not have me worrying about her. I believe she would beat me up for such things. She once took a picture of me that looks like I went off and killed myself right after. I loved that picture I was I had a copy. She was also the first person I took on my motorcycle when I got it. I don't think I ever told her that. I didn't want her to get scared. I didn't want to get scared. She is the only girl outside my family that I can say love to and have it fit. I do not love her like a man loves a woman, but as a person loves another person. I would gladdy take bullets for you Brei. And god willing take you out to tea.

I have thought long and hard about what it is to love. I never understood how to size up my likes and dislikes in my head. I once heard that if you love someone you would take a bullet for them. This didn't work for me cause I would take a bullet for anyone. I had many a issue with this. How can I define my friends from others. Then they said that friends are the ones you spend your time with when you have time. And you make time to spend. The only reason I don't hang out with people I don't know is cause it is weird. I know that I could easily make "friends" with them if given the right event. So the lines of society melted a way. I started to treat everyone the same. Not like strangers and not like friends. Everyone seemed to get this friend who I don't really know thing from me. I have recently how every come up with a defining boundary for my social order. If I really like them I would take 2 bullets. and others would stand there till it took 10 strong men to carry my body out. I hope to keep my lack of boundaries with people I don't know. While still treating my friends better.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Blind Conversation

I almost got into a conversation today about things I am interested in. As I got on the subject other conversationalist didn't want a part of it. It was like a kick in my emotion store. I had gotten so excited about it and then they just brushed it off. Boo upon then. I am not very chatty about things. If however you get me on a subject I'm into I go crazy. I want to discuss it for ours. Write it all down and then read it back for everyone to hear. These things never happen owever. I get good conversations with my father and brother. With a few also by way of mother. In this place called Hawaii however I can't seem to get the ball rolling. The closet I get is the blog. This is much different because having a discussion in person is much better for every one then text on a website.

On a said note I have Renae's ID if anyone sees her let her know. I picked it up and never see her. neglect of favorers makes favor void.My mother got me a painting by Georgia O'Keeffe. It is of a horse skull with a white roes on top. I find it highly interesting. It is pretty but there are much better looking paintings she does. This one is just, neat. Eye catchingly enchanting.

I have finally lost reasonable thought. I have many choices for person of the day, yet none stand out more then others. None bring words streaming in to my mind. I can think of Narin who I feel with make the words come the best. She is proof of my stupidity. Here is a girl amazingly attractive, happy, kind, smart and fun. She asked me out twice. Once to a dance. The next was food fest. I some how messed these things up. I think I didn't jump at the chance while it was there. It is now in the past and I am left with bruises from delayed responses. I still see her all over and help out with many things she is a part of. She is always hard at work. either in her studies or at her job. She is from the land of Cambodia which is also her name in my phone. She is one of the nicest people I know and is always willing to help others. Her facial expression is almost always the same look. In between boredom and confusion. Her expression can quickly change however. From that to explosively happy then back again in no time. She is always well dressed and groomed never a hair out of place. One look would seem like an angel fell from grace.

Lastly, I have seen way to much a temps at advice about love. If you people need it fine. We all do from time to time. I how ever don't like it for the most part. Try to keep it off this blog. I talk about girls and feelings, yet when they make it to this they are old and out of date. Any wounds have been licked and healed. I am more then happy to try and give advice most like will not do so here. For I am blind in such matters and I know allot of others are also. The blind lead the blind and they both fall into a well.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Treading Life

I am always happiest while I am under pressure. Doing a million things at once and running from here to there. I once told Lois that I am at my best when in over my head. She didn't understand this saying but I hold to it none the less. I am eternally lazy. I can however pull it together if needed. Let us take mornings for example. I can never get myself to get up any earlier then 40 minuets before my first class. Yet, I never miss it. Going to early morning seminary I didn't even really need an alarm most of the time. This was cause I picked up a girl every morning and if I wasn't there she would not get a ride. When I was in prove I found the time to work full time go to school and get to the gym everyday. While still keeping a some what decent social life. Then when school was out I lost time some how when I should have gained. I couldn't find time for the gym or even my personal studies of different things. Free time to me has always been wasted time. I commit my time to others for selfish reason. It's kind of an oxymoron, but hey so am I. He who gives his life shall find it, Right? So he who gives his time will find time for everything. It seems to be working like that. Take none of this as facts but I like it and use it.

Well person of the day. I was thinking about who it was. I had a request for one but could not find the words. So I promise they will get theirs in time, but words for another come to mind.
Amber AKA(in my phone) Color Of Groove
Oh before I get started here are the last persons of the days phone names.

Mike (Master Chief)

Renae (Moon Dance)

And off we go. So new in my life is Amber. Not sure how much of her I will see. I meet her twice and only remember it once. The first time was on one of my random hellos I do. It was funny cause she remember it and I did not. She told me that it made her day to get a hello. I felt bad cause I could not remeber giving it to her. While dancing (or trying to) at hip hop club our paths crossed. Talked a little before and almost none after. Felt I should talk with her some more but put it off. Sat around and waited for Secaus. Saw Amber leave she said bye and I asked if she wanted some friends. She said sure. Where upon I told her of CTF on sat nights. Then it hit me she was about to walk home at 11:00 at night by her lonesome. Which thanks to good programming from the parent folks I could not let happen. So I told her I would walk her home. It turned out to be about a mile and half but was filled with pleasant conversation on the way. She is from Oregon and is new this semester. Just got out of surgery, well really just got something cut and well never mind but not really surgery. She got moves, personality and style not to mention looks. Well it seems that person of the day turned mostly into a story about how I meet her. Well she is still brings pancake level joy.

I hate the glass is half full thing. I am not against optimist but just that saying. Cause that means that the best hostess are pessimists.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

A book and a person

I got a book today. I know what some of you are thinking, well mostly Mandy and Kelsey. Which would be don;t you have to many books already. The answer is yes. This would be number 16 that I am trying to read. I have had little time to get into them because of the classes this semester. This one I got to reason away for a class. It's about Isaiah and the book of Mormon. I always had a fast a nation with Isaiah and all the things he talks about. I also came to a conclusion in Religion class today. I have been worrying so much about what God would have me do. I talked to professors and consolers just to find them as clueless as I. The issues comes up with trying to do the impossible. Which is really just something that has never been done before. Which is what I am trying to do. I was trying everything to find out what the lord would have me do that I forgot to ask him. I know it sounds stupid but who has time for the simple things. I also picked up other jewels of info but those will come latter.

On to the person of the day. Micheal Gunther is a man of interesting qualities. Out of everyone here (here being Hawaii) I own him the most. Thanks to his out going and weird sense of humor we quickly become friends. He was the one that got me into the circle of friends that I whittle my time away with here. It's funny cause he now spends most of his time with virtual people, but he is still one of my favorites here. That man will refuse to tell a bad joke. Or I should say let others think it's a bad joke. If he happens to let one out he just points at you and gives you this weird look as if he is trying to command the laugh out of you. Which I must say works on me most of the time. Also me give me my greats joy at the moment, no not my muses but my Game Boy Advance. I simple mentioned in passing how I really wanted to play Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories. And with in a day and half he got it to me. He is also a fellow gamer. As such we can connect on levels that other can only dream. He knows what it is to cry over 1's and 0's. I can say " there are only 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't." And I think he would find that just as funny as I do. With being the purest gamer that he is he also has his reality weakness. No matter what is going on he would gladly stop it all for a game of ultimate Frisbee. Which by the way I need to get a Frisbee. Well cheers to you Mike friend and fellow gamer.

Well sorry for nothing new on the muses level. The closet thing was finding out that David won person with organist fingers in history. He would like to thanks Cheeto's for that.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Home sick for heaven

That is the only way I can think of how describe my emotional state. I was almost brought to tears today in public. It was over something stupid. It was a situation I had been in many times before. One that I had always shrugged off, yet this time. I could feel the tears swell inside of me. I had to escape the situation quickly before they exploded. I was both sad and angry at the same time. How ever not to the point of tears in either case. Billy Pilgrim in the book Slaughter house five would sometimes just start crying. He said that sometimes tears would just start to flow. With no rhyme and reason it would come and then go. I felt a little like that today.

On another note I think I am mostly troubled about how I can best use my time here. I want to help others and am stuck in paradise. In church there was a member of the high counselor that talked about not letting the world get you down. The only thing I seemed to only hear from him was "All is well in Zion." I know that in the end God wins. I know things are going to suck tell Christ comes. I still want to try and fix the problems of this world. I was told as a child "Work as if everything was up to you, and pray like everything is up to God." I would like to think that I still live up to this. I just seem to be at some crazy cross roads. Where the paths are limitless and most of the signs to point the right way. I need to take time and think of which way to go. I hate wasting time pondering over decisions. I mostly want to improve living conditions in other countries. And know not really what educational path I should take.

Next are feelings of dread. For we all have monsters of our past. Things that we have tried to put behind us that we would like to move past. I have caged my monster. It took many years and much loss and heart ache, for me and my family. I lost so much in taming that beast. Now I feel him tearing at its chains. I fear that beast like nothing else. I went thought far too much trouble the first time, which I never wish it out again. I have learned to control almost all aspects of my life and am working hard at taming my emotions. Thanks to God and Gandhi I feel I am making great progress. I know that while that beast my rattle it's cage and break a few chains. It will never escape. For there is but one way out for it and it's thought me. I would now rather die then let it lose.

Well now that I got my spirit up, on to matters of the heart. I would like to think of myself as a lover of life. I can see beauty in almost all things. I try to see things from every point of view and events from as many perspectives as I can. Mostly thanks to my mother and Marsha have I developed this ability. I see how glories my friends are. I can describe anyone of them for hours and what great people they are. However this time it turns to Renae. If you beg to differ let me know, or if you just want to hear about your self that's cool to. People like hearing good things about them selves and I would be more then happy to help you with that. This time however goes to Renae and purely her shell that her ghost moves around this sphere. I know that she has a great personality but this is not about that. Vasu is really what inspired these thoughts. With my camera he stole images of some of god's greatest craftsmanship. Now no offense to Vasu or Sony, but he is not the best photographer and my camera is not the greatest of equipment. And yet with these, sitting in an old navy sweater and jeans she had a sublime beauty. With a sweet smile and quirky looks she filled a few images. And others a quite reverence. If one sees only these they would be sure to want to know more about her. These images however breath taking are still only shadows of the real thing. Her glory is so much more lovely in reality. So take it from me if you want to see eye filling foxiness in motion just look for a girl named Renae.

Well that was fun. Two muses in under a week. Makes one look forward to tomorrow and what wonders it brings. I think I should start a person of the day. Amanda has song of the day (even if sometimes she steals mine). I think I could easily pull out a person of the day. Well let's see who hits me with inspiration tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


I had a pleasant day today. One of the best sense I have been back. It was not an easy going kind of day. It was filled with three movies and some half-life 2 however. It was also filled with good conversation with my mother. That maybe is the wrong way to describe it. I enjoined our talk and hope some good may come of it. I also got to wrestle with my inner self again. I was attracted to a girl, yet know that a friend is interested in her. Seeing that I am very reluctant to proceed with any movements I may make. for as not to step on friends toes and as not to give up all together. I wish to say more about the talk with my mother first. She asked me for advice on account of her friend. Her friend is having issues that I have had in my life. I gave the best advice I could think of but feel not very qualified for such things. I felt a little like someone that had lung cancer and got over. When someone asks for advice I can't really help to much. One don't get it and if you do go see a profession. This goes for matters of all things of the heart and soul. I always say that my life is an open book. I still believe this, yet some of the pages are righten in code. There is a difference between secret and sacred. I have scars on my body for mistakes I have made. I have scars on my soul form the same. I tell their origins if asked. I do not give knowledge of them freely unless I deem it necessary. I do hope things go well. We also talked about Christmas and the reason for my meat fast. Well that is plenty of that. On to more childish things. Like matters of the heart. I also feel silly when it comes to such things. Cause I am always second guessing myself. I am always wondering if the right thing can be improved on. I do this in daily life but it doesn't matter as much cause it's only my life I may screw up. I should one day put to paper some of the many things I do, that I got from books and video games. well let's go to the praise part of the section. No offense to anyone but I am going to use this girl as a muse for a moment.
She has a laugh that lights the load on my soul. She tilts her head to the side and smiles. Giving proof that the sweetest things in life are found with the eyes. One day children will have to visit a museum to see what a lady looks like. I am truly lucky to have seen such a rare breed of woman this day. Her eyes make me feel like she only sees the best part of me. And I want to make that the only part of me. She is what great poets write about. All the great love songs where written for her. Her skin is smooth and soft and one needs only a slight touch to feel weak in the knees. She is just out of reach for one such as me. One can not ascend from such lowly levels as I dwell. Onto such great heights as she lives. This must be the reason for the lack of breath I have while she is around.
ok not very good but with a little re writing and some reworking of lines. I think it may turn into something. It is much to cheesy already but it was fun just writing it. Thinking I was in love for a moment. I also received information that another poem of mine is going to be published. I even got invite to some poet conversion. However I am not poet as anyone with taste could tell you after reading the dribble I write. Will you reader are losing me to my music. I have said the things I want and made no point. Sorry for the waste of time..... this is a good song

Monday, January 10, 2005


Back in Hawaii and life is good. What can be said so far. Since I forgot the power cable to my laptop I have been slow to use it. Think that I have to save it's use for more important things. The problem that arises is that I lose allot of the details of the events that happen. So only the most vivid remain, and they are still not as colorful as they should be. I can start by saying that I was a little taken at first by females. I had spent the last moth away from all of them and when I was around one again I was short of breath. The one that hit be the hardest was Kelsy. Just like the first time I meet her I was a little dazed. Do not miss understand me I have no tugging of my heart strings for her. It was that females have things about them that men are taken by. I believe that I was sucker punched there. If any girl would have gone after me those first few days I think I would have been lost to her. I was lucky in the sense that most people were just as dazed as me. Next follow the reuniting of friends that you have not seen for little under three weeks. These greats are like those of long lost friends that have spent a life time apart. People seem happy to see me. It was the first time in my life where people rushed to see me. The questions that became common place where: How was your Break? What did you do? and so on. It's all a little tier some, yet I am not spotless. People use these things cause they want to make conversation. They just do not know how to go about it. I did talk to the girl I had placed my eye on when I had left. I found myself A little pleased with myself. Cause I saw a girl I liked and went after her. We are now on a ok talking bases. She is a little quit and smiles very little but that may be the challenge that I am attracted to. The good thing about people like that is that it really works your conversation skills. Talking to people like that for just a little bit every day will give one a silver tong in record time.
People have told me that I am much more "huggy" then I was before. I think this is cause of the situation. It's not that I am against touch, it's just I don't get the casual touching. People rubbing shoulders and hugging hello. I am not a fan of that and wish no part of it. One gets the label of one with a bubble. One also gets lip and time he/she breaks what others thoughts of their limits are. this bores me and makes me sound wussy. Next point...
People ask what I got from Christmas. When I tell them an AC DC t-shirt they get almost upset with me. I tell them that it's all I asked for and I am very happy with it. They still want more details which I do not give them. I got more things but if we where exchanging lists then I want no part of that. I think people should only change stories of the high lights. If questions come up about those highlights more detail can the be gone into. Other wise there is no point. The next thing that happens is I miss read their looks as misunderstanding of the band. I like AC DC and think others should also. So I try to explain why their so good. Trying to explain something that one loves is hard. Because you want to explain emotions that you can't describe. You want them to understand things that can't be put to words. saying "This band rocks." is not a good explanation of why one likes them. It sounds as stupid as "Ice cream tastes good." So a rock band rocks. Great news flash, and yet it seems to make so much sense that the time of the explanation. "I like to dance cause it's fun." Sayings like these sound weird cause they are so simple and people mock them. When really is not the question the weird one. "Why do you like music?" When you ask a question where the answer should be simple do not be surprised by the simple answer.
Another thing was that I ran into Rachel today. Rachel was a girl I knew in Utah. I find her entertaining and very good for my esteem. She is always telling me how great I am. My father said I need to learn how to take a complement. I agree I never have been good at it. Seeing her today was weird cause I had no idea she had come up here. She had talked about it and had called me once wanting info about registration. That however was it. So when she says hey to me in one of my classes I was really shocked. I am bad with women and have no idea when it comes to feelings a such. I heard however that she liked me from my friend that worked with her. I got a little self centered when I first saw her. I was so shallow to think that she came out here just for me. That kind of obsession is things of movies. Movies I like by the way but are still creepy. I quickly got off my high horse. and acted like nothing was new. Which is my best defense when I think girls like me. Is act like you are dumb and are not picking up on things. It's not that I want to hurt them. It's that I like having them as a friend and don't want to waste that. People that know me will tell you I am not that great. I'm a jerk, a dork, make crappy jokes, and slow to pick things up. I however am able to place a candy coting on all of this and come off smelling like roses. I should go into politics. The one thing however is that I can not keep up false personals to people that seem to care about them. Did I mention that I am one giant flak. Anything that one might get started with me could change the next day. So in summery falling for me is a fools ideal.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Fool on fire

This is thought less passion forge into words by the fire of anger. I have what people have told me are "issues with opening up". Well it was only one girl a long time ago and others have hinted at it. That's not the point. The point is that when ever I expose my weak underbelly I seem to get kicked there. Like just awhile ago (which is the reason for this thing that will most likely turn into regret) while trying to talk to this girl. I was talking to her about something I hold very close to me. Then before I finish she says she got to go for a moment. She had to get the phone thinking it might be the jerk she is obsessed with. Kick me in the crouch and call me smiles. Is it just my luck that I pick bad times or people to try to talk to. Am I just stupid about how I got about things. Or is it just my luck that I am dumb. You can't pee into the wind and keep dry. You also can't keep peeing into the wind if your truing to keep dry. Well my desires have be feed and before regent sets in lets try a spell check.

Unique people

There is not such thing as a character that is not unique. I was raised thinking that is was different from everybody else. Then as I have grown, I have discovered everyone is different from everyone else. The people you think of as normal are really the people you just don't know that well. How much do you know about everyone? Very little I am sure. They walk around wearing cloths and say things every now and then. They eat food and drink water. They came from some place and are going some place else. This is what we call the normal. The thing is this. The people that fit into this category is everyone really. When you get to know someone it breaks them out of the model. Not that they where ever in it but that we just did not see how they did not fit. The characters that we read about in books and see in movies. The ones that standout and become unique to us are the ones we know allot about. Or at least we know the odd things about them. Anyone will act oddly in some situation. The key is to find out when that is. Mine is getting me in a big group while I'm in the right mood. (hint: donuts almost always helps) Other people it's the right subject topic. People like weird things, and for the most part they know that it's weird. So they will not bring it up them selves for the most part. Yet if someone else bring it up it's fair game.

More Human

If only I could be more human. I think to much. I try to hard at things that do not matter and say I have not the energy when it comes to things that do. I'd like starting today to always keep my word. I have found it as a problem in the past cause I do not wish to disappoint people. So I try to be their for everyone. Then the laziness comes into play. That or I have just spread my self to thin. Do you know how much the lord tells his people to remember. It is in every religion in every scripture. It is not hard to tell people what they need. It is not hard to explain such simple things. Getting them to remember must be where is problem lies. I know that my memory is a note pad that is being written on with a unsharpened pencil. I always forget things and people. I am great with remembering faces and things about peoples lives. Their names however almost always elude me. I once wrote a girls name on my hand cause I wanted to fall in love with her. Yet I for got it was there. When I looked at it again I could not remember how it was pronounced. I then washed my hands thinking about it. So I was never able to look at it again. I then understood way the lord keeps telling me what I know. It's cause I forget that I know it. So I must remember these things that I am writing. For in them I am making a promise that will be held ageist me from now on. I will always keep my word. and never got back on them.