Friday, October 29, 2004

Paul the Prisoner

I have said sense I don't know when. That if I am ever rich I am doing something wrong. I hold to this and it is one of the most driving factors in my life. I have what I call the Schindler complex. I have trouble speeding any money on myself. I think every cd I want to buy could feed 50 kids in Kenya. Every time I want to learn how to surf I think that the fees and coast of the equipment could be used to dig a well in Cambodia. That would give fresh water to hundreds. I find lope holes some times. I am typing on a laptop and am going to school in Hawaii. I also hold little quam about spending it on others. The main problem I have with this is that I find myself wishing that I didn't feel this way. I am kept a prisoner of my own knowleage. It is frustrating cause I don't know how it help. I had my five year play all set up in highschool. I was going to go on a mission and then collage. Get a job in computer game development. Get married and have a freak of a lot of kids. Both natural and adoption. Last year of high school and the foundation for this plan started to get weak and then turned into a 6 or 7 year plan. One year after high school and it was blow out of the water. With the delay of a mission to try to find out if there was a message really worth messaging. As the journey thought life turned into a quest for knowleage there where many set backs and downfalls. As it says in Matthew "A seeker of knowleage is a seeker of sorrow" Amen. As my understanding of the world around be grew so did these walls that bind me. Light was shed on all those things that I thought where so important before. Just to find that some things hide in the dark cause that's the only way they can attative. I do love my walls, I was the one who asked for them and I helped in their construction. I am tempted by the sounds I hear on the other side. I get anger at those times of weakness. Angry at the people who are enjoins them selves. Angry at myself for wanting to tear down those walls. And angry for not being able to bring others in. I don't believe it's right to belittle others or even for me to tell another person that what they are doing is wrong. I try to teach by example, but how do I know that mine is even one worth teaching. Let alone that only works if people pay attention to you. It gets lonely in my prison. I have visitor from time to time. My father, whose insight is much greater then my own. I envy him so for he seems to have more walls then I do and uses them to guild not imprison. My brother, who at last I talk to had a room next to mine. My mother, who will most likely never understand why I do the things I feel I must, but will never stop trying. She still being the most important woman in my life brings that touch to my prison. Believe that if she just fixes it up nice, a couple chairs a few drapes and it's not so bad. Most others I have to speak to thorough the walls.

It's hard to talk thought walls.

A little slice of heaven.

Everyone has their version of how heaven is. Mostly cause we are all different. So believe that the best things in life are different. I think that part of the fun of dying is getting to see what's up after this big whole thing goes bad. Well I'll let you in on what Heaven is to me. It's music loaded. Their is dancing, sometimes with a lot of people and sometimes with only one other. This is how most of forever will pass. People always talk about how they will never need to eat or sleep, but in my heaven you will. Why, well cause food is good, and sleeping is enjoyable. That place where you drift inbetween dreams and reality like tourists at state lines. I will also spend a lot of time in music videos. Not in musicals but music videos. Not that people breaking into song isn't fun, but I just can't really handle the girlie French musicals. Which is what comes to mind when someone says musical. Well I lost track of what I was talking about cause I stopped to talk to people in my room.

It's always weird to give up doing real things to do virtual things. Like the people (who I once was, heck some times still am) who give up going to a dance to mess with a computer. I can understand it sometimes, I can even understand the few who don't like dances. But, a lot of people have never even gone to a dance. I remember my first couple. They sucked. I didn't know how to dance. Not that I do now. I knew no one really. Heck the first one here was hard. Swallowing ones pride to try and make friends of strangers is hard. Now, I know allot of people and can converse with allot of many of them at once. I enter a new mode when I go to dances. I have always just let louse. I never hold to reservations that I might have internally. I just get into the music. To the people that don't like dancing I ask that you give it another try.

Most things suck when you first try them. Especial when every one around you seems to be so good. Why, cause we feel like fools and don't think anyone else does. So they all must be looking at how goofy we look. Well all I have to say is that your not that important. Not to be mean but your not. At dances if people are dancing they're dancing not looking around. In most things this also implies. If your at a party and fell uncomfortable and think that everyone is saying who's he/she and why are they here. It just you. Your not that important to them. If they don't know you why would the care that you're just sitting there. They came to a party to talk have fun. If you're just sitting there they'll just move on, not mock you.

For all my words and phrases I my self am nothing but a coward. I recently discover that I have offend a girl. I thought this girl was interesting before yet, now that she has shunned me I am obsessed. She fills me thoughts constantly. Not so much in a stocker, love driven thing. More of this girl doesn't like me for my stupidity I have to change that.

A friend ask me today why I was attracted to Asian girls. I did not have correct response for her. I said it was cause they are rare things to me. I find them alien and fascinating. It is the same for anything new to me. If I know little about it I am attraction to it. The attraction grows the more I know about it while still not understanding it. I am sure I could come up with some mathematical equation for that. I change and grow with each new thing that crosses my path. When It is completely new I can gain more from it. I don't believe that I am more attracted to one race over another. But I must refer back to my biography byline. I know nothing about my self. These are just my current feelings. They are as rooted like seeds on a dandelion. With one strong wind and they could easily be gone. Waiting for the next idea to grow.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Trial of beauty

I sat next to a girl today. Big news I know. This girl, I have seen before but never took in her majestic beauty. Her looks did not however look nature, but more likely like they where born from effort. Like any laborer treasures the project that there work produces. She seemed to treasure her beauty. Now let me remind you I do not know this girl, but this is what I read from her features. It was not so much in arrogance but in pleasure with the out come of ones effort. I judge her not. Not for the joy she may have for her hard works pay off. People are quick to judge others. At least I know I am. I should say quick to judge them negatively. I don't think it's so bad to be quick to judge if the outcome is positive. People are so much more lively and full of love if you just believe they are. This girl always walks around with a serious look on her face. Like very little brings her joy. So people jump to the idea that she is a jerk. Why don't we think of how we can bring this girl a smile. I also saw another girl at the cafe. I had never seen a look upon her face other then one of dullness for life. Then one of her friends (that I was walking with) said hello, and her expression change to one of gladness for life. I never thought that a change could take place so quickly, so dramatically. The girl that I sat next to fell asleep. I wonder what she dreams of? What trials she has faced and is facing? Someone once said all artist are suffering artist. I wonder how she suffers. What can a simple man do to lessen the suffering of this world?

Just Try

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Endless Water

Drum roll please.

And the award for most awkward hug goes to.......

Judge tires to hug Claire.

Well that's how it felt anyway. It was just one of those moments where I felt like it was a stupid thing to do as I was doing it. Then the fun part, post-date reflection. Where you review the whole event. Dissecting ever thing much more then anything really should. Let's see where I at right now. I made allot of bad jokes, She didn't laugh the whole night, and I killed her grandmother some how. Nothing is really as bad as we make it out to be. Well maybe cancer.

I am thinking of writing a book about my dating experiences. I believe it would be a great read. Like how I was tricked into a date with a 31 year old. Or the one where I ask a girl out right next to her boyfriend. And the one where the girl was dating me just because she had gotten pregnant and wanted to get married quick. I got a million of them people.

I was doing my Japanese homework out side today when the bell tower started to ring with music. It wasn't load it wasn't very clear. It was soft and sweet. It made me hummm... I can't really describe it. Best that I can think of is like this, if I wanted to beat someone up I would have lost the feeling to, I'll right a story about it that you can read later.

Well I just spent the last couple of hours talking to Faye. Let me just say, that girl is a
portrait. A work of art that we can see God's great craftsmanship in. In her I can see what Homer was talking about with Helen of Troy. Plus, she is a good source of Knowledge for all things Asian.

Saturday, October 23, 2004


Here I stand, sad and free.
I can't cry, I can't see,
What lines ahead of me.

Everyone has those tails of love where they get tossed around allot. A note to girls, It's not cool to talk about other guys you like on a date. To be interested one second and talking about this cute guy at work the next. It just tears holes in me. Maybe I'm just a wuss, which would not be such a great surprise.

I figure that there has got to be some mistake that I am making. Now before everyone starts breaking out the hats for the pity party let get some facts down. I am 21 times around that big explotion in the sky. With out any real understanding of the expulsion of passion inside (love). I have never gotten a three date, have only had two second dates. Not a great track recoded I know. The question that I hate most from women is this one. "Why haven't you had A girl friend?" Do you think that if I knew that I would be having this problem. "oh it's cause I always ask them to go skinny dipping on the first date." or maybe " Well I just eat with my hands regardless of the food. Soup, salad, pasta what ever all just with my hands.". "Oh those are bad things to do on dates oh ok I better stop them then." no it's not that easy I don't know. Let it be knew also that it's not for lack of trying. I just always seem to find that girl that is obsessed with another guy. On a side note I did find a girl that liked me as much as I liked her at first. It then turned out that I was nothing special that every guy was any guy to her and all would do. But, I just pull out my chalk and make another mark on my wall. With a quick count of the marks, I get

21 years 4 months and 24 days...

well maybe tomorrow.

Friday, October 22, 2004

carpe effen deum

Eat sleep dance ....hummmm..... Eat sleep dance ....hummm...
eat sleep dance ....hummmm..... Eat sleep dance ....hummm...
eat sleep dance ....hummmm..... eat sleep dance ....hummm...
eat sleep dance ....hummmm..... eat sleep dance ....hummm...
eat sleep dance ....hummmm..... eat sleep dance ....hummm...

I am statring to believe that the world that I had once known is gone, and never was. In it's place is, .... Well.... I am bored with this already.

Well on to other things. I dance allot. Girls keep saying they want to set me up with their friends. I never understand why. The weird thing is that they bring it up at the most weird moment. Like I well be sitting down when I remember that I didn't get water. So I get up to get some and they say "Hey I should set you up .... With my friend." What is the right responses for that. I just want to get water and back safely with out tripping. Now this girl tosses this comment into my path. Let me just say now girls I'm not one of those guys with hidden depths. I really am this shallow. By trying to play me off on your friends wont dig any deeper into me. Oh next thought, Pancakes are proof that God loves his children. I don't know if you knew that but now you do. I promise you if nothing else does these magical plates of joy dressed in butter and maple do. I pure joy that over comes myself as I bit into one of those delectable disks. I don't know if anyone has seen the movie "Uncle Buck". There is one point where he makes the kids pancakes like 3ft long. If I had cancer and I was one of those make a wish kids I think I would wish for that. It could be like a freaken blanket. Great now I'm hunger. Well food for thought. Can one tell the difference between love and lust? I know I can't. Either lust lasts longer for me then others or I don't fully understand love. Which the second is most likely the closer to the truth. According to DC4C which is playing in my head ( life is better with music) all is full of love.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

What can you say for a day gone by. quickly
music is my airoplane.
studying never goes as plained.
Freinds are always fonder in memoeris.
and people never see the real me, but in my case they see a better version so it all works out.
Oh and candy corn can mealt. It's very interseting if anyone want to pick up the idea.
an eye's point of view

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

A new discover for a new tomorrow

While sneaking into a free lunch for business people. I was privilege to partake of a finer meal then I thought I was at first stealing. It was like one of those upper class snob brunches. It had bottles of water seated next to crystal glasses. With fine plates and sliver wrapped in scarlet napkins. I will never understand why someone will try to make something look so good if it's only use is to be to cleaning things up. But while surround with some of what people call the finer things. I came upon some thing. When The water in peoples glasses ran low it was replaced. The extrodanary thing about this was the sounds it made. The flow of the water would force the ice into a spin caucusing it to tap the side of the glass again and again. Merged with the sound of the flow of water as it changed in pitch as it filled the glass was breath taking. Every time someone would empty there glass I would wait pain staikinly for them to reach for their bottle to refill it. Every one in the room did not seem aware of this thing that I had discovered. I wanted to shout out and try to explain it to them. But how do you explain something so beautiful in numbers in figures which is what those people communicate in. I don't believe there is evil in that It's that I just don't speak it. And so I kept my slice of joy to myself, but pie is always better when shared.

Puddles of awe

Have you ever stared into a puddle not to see thought it but to see it. It's a little pool of water that is doomed to either dry up or seep into the ground, but for those few moments that it lives in my world where it is part of my reality. It is truly a thing of glory. I have never seen the beauty of it until last Sunday. I stared into one for I don't no how long. Just watching the wind dance across the surface teasing the water. The reflection was one of the sun hiding behind the clouds. Giving them a golden hue and framing them in a pool of sliver and blue. I don't know I just thought it was really cool.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

slice of the soul

A paper

This thing has spell check so ..

The Lord loves his children. That is the reappearing theme in the book of Mormon. We can see it shown clearly in Jarom. Where it talks about how wicked the nephits had become. They had become so wicked that the hand of the lord was the only thing that was keeping them from destruction. They had harden their hearts, defened their ears and stiffened their necks. The lord however does not give up on his children. Their was a few among them that where still righteous and with a little divine help would be able to turn the hearts of the people. It took 200 years and a lot of hard work I am sure but the people where brought back fully to the lord. This can give us hope if we liken it things our lives. If we have doubts about our personal worthiness, then no matter how far from the lord we are now. We can still start to make our way back. Even Paul was once a maleficent man. He persecuted the lords people like no other in his time. He was then humbled by the lord and went on to be come one of his most faithful followers. The Lord loves his children more then one like me could ever comprehend. A love so strong he gave up his only begotten son. When we here this term we put some separation in it. We seem to think like other churches in that Heavenly father was just doing A and B so that we could get to C. But it's more then that. I myself have never had a child so I do not know a parents love. I have however work with people who are M.R. and have loved them as much as I could. They went though many trials that with their abilities made life so very hard for them. I as a seariget father had to watch them go through these things. It hurts so bad, there is so much worrying and strife in your life when things are not going well for them. I can't image the pain it must cause to give my child to the wolves of this world and have so much power but not to be able to use it to help him. The stronger the love the stronger the sorrow. I am so very humbled when I think of the pure love my father has for me. And the pure sorrow I seem to give him. God will not give up on us. We should not give up on him or each other.

a world of fishmen and silhouette women

I am werri and saddness encrothie. I have furitlessly wited away the hours of my day. How, do you ask? Well I spent it playing. I spee day nt most of the day scuba diving. which cutts away at the day very slowly and very deep. That when you noticed how much is finaly taken off you want to screen. then It was off to a date. It is always werid to be asked out cause one never no what is to come. It sems that women never really plane a date just how they get up to one. Well it just seems that way to me cause that is all it has ever been for me. I don't think I will spell chekc this one. for who cares about spelling. LEt alone who is reading this. in this there is no ... never mind. Well this date went ok, for ones does little worring when ones cares little for the out come of the event. When I ask a girl on a date I am always so nerves and had trouble speaking. When the tables are turned it is fun cause I can just be myself in a sense. OH
What You Waiting For
White Houses
The APL Song

are three really good songs a videos that I have found.

I have two ( I started this sentance and forgot how it ends).

Well be mind is imploding and my time is running.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

1000 robots and I just got a spoon

Weight of the world

It seems in every day I have a humbling event and an enraging one. I have to decide tomorrow whether to stay here for another semester or continue my travels. I have always been some thin of a Romania. I love new places and people. I need to think where I can do the most good, and what is best for me. I talked with some of my friends and I do miss them allot and I believe that I can help them. They are having hard times and I believe that I can help them... But a friendship is never about one person trying to change another. It's about acceptance. I just have trouble know that they may have grow just as much as I have if not more with out traveling the world over. And I don't want to lose them as friends. Heaven is not heaven if your there by yourself. Oh my thoughts have fled from me. is one of my best discoveries in the past 2 years. Every day that there is new art is a good day. K out of thoughts well continue when they decide to get back from playing with my dreams.

ok so I have lived the rest of my day and have more to type about. Let me just say that it is so good to be able to give others blessings. I think that a lot of people are hesitant to ask for them. I wish this was not so. Giving a blessing helps the person who needs it ,but it also does me a world of good. I am able to communicate with the lord like in no other way I know. I get such great happiness for them for I feel that for just a brief moment I get a glimpse of that love the lord has for his child. It's like being kid that to sneaks down to the adult party. He is never aloud to go in but he would hides next to the door and every now and then the door to the room opens. And he is swept up in the fun and laugher. Never deviating for his place the joy flows out of the room and embraces him. And in those brief moments before the door closes he knows all the joy his little mind can handle. The door closes again and he is left with his memories and emotions. Memories are like sandy. They slip though our grasp with time. Leaving what little we can grasp to. So the child sits and waits playing with the people in his head. Time passes and the night gets darker and his memories are been worn down and dote has set in. Whither he should sit and wait for another or go. The extece of the moment is long gone and logic has broken his reason for staying. Just when he gets ready to leave to door opens again and another wave of joy burst out of the door.

I feel like the child and wish that people would use that door that is a blessing more other. I always try to stay worth of giving one and always have my oil ready. Which is a blessing in it's self for I have given a few blessings over the past three years and have not had a chance to ever refill it. The little key chain vial that holds little more then 5 drops has been used countless times. Ever one I believe has hard times, times that the lord can make easier if they would just come to him. I so wish people would weary the lord with their sorrows. Ask him for help, blessings from heaven. There doesn't need to be great problems for a blessing for a desire for one. People don't even have to say what the blessing is for ( unless they want to say and if they need to use oil other wise) that is between you and the lord. I just want to be part of it. I know it sounds selfish and I am sorry but I just love I when I get that quick glimpse into that room. How can one let others know that they can use him as the middle man to weary the lord. Why wont people let me use the things the lord has given me?

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


Death dealing healer

People seem to have this idea in mind that it's the right thing to do to be just. They also have the idea that it however does not profit them as much as it would if they where unjust. They remain righteous for promises of rewards in the here after and not to lose face. I belief this is highly incorrect thinking. It is much more profitable to be just, if for nothing other then for the sec of justice. I will try to help others to see this also. I have had a change in heart, well better to say in mind. The change of heart happened awhile ago but took sometime to get to my head. I can't be part of the FBI or CIA. I don't belief I could ever be a cop or person in the army now. I can't kill my fellow man. People, hack I try to reason to my self that an evil man should die so others may not suffer. But I would find an easier time killing a righteous man than an unrighteous one. For the sec of that the righteous man's soul would at least be fine in the afterlife. Where as if a killed a man in his sins I would be damning him if you will. Now I don't know if I really could not take another persons life for I am a very passed person. And as such easily get caught up in the situation. I also have not worked out all the rights and wrongs for defending myself and others. For I could easily lay down my life in hopes that it my help others. But I can not offer others. Would should one do if ones family is threatened. Surly, one must defend but what is more important the temporal safely or an eternal example. These are thoughts that attacks my mind on ever ocation.

I find it hard to read my textbooks and study my classes, yet I find it very easy to read books like The Republic or Humanity. These are not easy reads and with my disabilities it takes me a very long time to read even a few pages. I find how ever that since I am doing it for myself that I get two things from it. First and for most is knowleage, the second is a person goal fulfilled. I am trying to make my self a better person on my own and by reading these books it gives my a little pat on my emotion shoulder. If this is the cause why is not school the same way? What am I going to school for if not to learn and better myself so I can better help others. I believe it comes down to laziness. Oh the things that I could do if I could just wake up to my potential. It's like the song says
"and I can't help the feeling
I could blow thought the ceiling
if I could just turn around
and it wears me out
it wears me out"

Saturday, October 02, 2004

something to the left.