Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I Know a Hell

I know a hell, a hell that one carries every where they go. One can't be rid of it for anything in this world. It clasps onto the mind and won't let go. It taints all thoughts and joys a person might have in this would. This hell forces it's host into a deep and dark loneliness. Where nothing brings joy and he can only see glimpses of light from time to time. It is a bitter and cold hell that haunts my thoughts daily. One tries with everything they have to escape this hell, but there is nothing but black and once you are inside you don't know the way out. You crawl and crawl in the thralls of heartache looking for relief. You think it would be easy to give up, but the horror of that place is a driving force of it's own that one works with every fiber of their being to be rid of. With all ones effort and work they still fall short of escaping, it is a endless void of woo and misery. I was a lucky one, I was able to escape. What ever happens in this life I know it will be nothing compared to that hell I passed thought. I was saved by the light of Christ, in that bitter darkness there is a single point of light. It burns and tears at your soul. If you continue to move towards it burns more and more. I moved towards it in hopes of leaving the only place I had known before, trying to find something better. It would be easy to turn from the scourging light and try to rest in the cold blackness, yet I could not. It was a long journey one that I find still is not over, I wonder if it ever will be. The light is now the majority it covers almost every thing I see. There is still a point of darkness however where a cold wind blows from, chilling my soul when I think back at the horrors that it holds. It brings me almost to tears at the joy I have for simply being rid of that hell. The new horror however I could not truly glimpse until I had over come such a thing. I now here the cries of others who are in different hells and my soul cries out to their cause I also know their pain, but I know relife and they do not. I have to try and find them cause if I don't even all the glories, warm light in this world could not hold back the cries of those in need. I moved from one hell to another, this one is not mine however. Maybe it is yours, maybe it is you I am trying to help escape, like I was helped.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Just What is galumphing and can anyone teach me how to do it?

’Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe:All mimsy were the borogoves,And the mome raths outgrabe.
“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!Beware the Jubjub bird, and shunThe frumious Bandersnatch!”
He took his vorpal sword in hand:Long time the manxome foe he sought—So rested he by the Tumtum tree,And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and throughThe vorpal blade went snicker-snack!He left it dead, and with its headHe went galumphing back.
“And, hast thou slain the Jabberwock?Come to my arms, my beamish boy!O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”He chortled in his joy.
’Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe:All mimsy were the borogoves,And the mome raths outgrabe.


Jonathan bent over, grabbed a hand full of sand, and let it slowly slip through his fingers.

"Do you know what it is to fight for causes you will never see come to fruition?"

Roberson turned and regarded Jonathan.

"What do you mean Jon?"

Jonathan did not look up, but grabbed another handful of sand and let it go the same rout as the last.

"To know that the person you care for the most in this world cares for someone else. You still care for her none the less and work harder and harder everyday for her happiness, To wake up each day and think how can I make her day better and go to sleep each night wondering if you where able to. Why do I find such a weak emotion, that I only give away. What a fool man is."

"Thinking about Charity again?"

"Yes and no. I am always thinking about her. I am also wondering about the pantheons, why they fight us. As well as thinking about my actions and wondering if I am doing the right thing by being here."

"I know what you mean we are so easily driven by our emotions and desires. There are two reasons to really fight Jon, to protect something or to gain something."

"You think that's why they fight, because they are trying to gain what we have?"


"They seem to be filled with such sorrow; I think that is why they are so strong because they are trying with everything they have to end that horror."

"Jon we are fighting with everything we have also, but to protect those precise to us. How come we seem to be stronger?"

"Cause they still have doubt, we know the pain of loneliness and now know the joy of acceptance. We fight to never have to go back to what we where, and to make sure no one we care for has to go there either."

Jonathan rose up and started to walk along with Roberson.

"You have to give your whole heart to the cause and then work till your body breaks to see it come to pass."

They walked along in silence. After some time they found a place to rest for the night. They set up camp and got ready to stay for the night.

"Jon does she ever write you?"

"No, haven't gotten a letter in a long time."

"I don't get you Jon, you have plenty of beautiful women that call upon you and yet you choose this girl that doesn't even write you, and yet you can't seem to help but smile."

"I have never been able to control my feelings really well. I do not know why I care for her as I do. I just do and am glad to be able to have this feeling."

"Don’t you wish she also cared for you? how can you smile Jon, she could do so much with a simple look at she refuse to even mention your name."

"I do wish she would care for me also, but that is of little importance to me. I work for her and if she does not return those feelings right now, it does not matter. Plus when she finally does smile at me and says my name it will mean all the more."

"She'll never love you Jon."

"She already does, just doesn't know it.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Don’t know. My confidence comes from the same place as my feelings for her. I know not their origin, yet I have them nonetheless. Rob you have your sweet Clarice and you question not your love do you?”

“True but, I know she cares for me also.”

“Would you still not care for her if she turned cold to you? I mean you might be hurt, but would you still not wish joy for her nonetheless. That is true feeling. That is how you know you care for someone.”

“I think your right, but I would be deeply hurt if she turned cold to me. So how can you not also be hurt when your Charity is cold to you?”

“I told you before Rob, I don’t doubt she will turn to me in time. To me this is a waiting game. She does me no wrong and causes no pain as long as I keep this a surety.”

“I marvel at you Jon.”

“Great show your appreciation by taking first watch.”

Jonathan leaned back against a tree and drifted off into a slumber, while Roberson stared into the fire and tried to decipher his emotions for his Clarice.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Love without Pain, No Thank you

What is love without pain. To love must be one way, yet true love is two way. We hope for true love, but must be ready for such things to not happen. We must eat the pain that is dished out to us daily and ask for seconds. We build new resolves and break down old walls. We each long to change the world at least a little. Changing it into more of a place that we would like to live in. We try not to get down for our short comings, and must understand how truly great we our. Just because one sees us as less then we are does not mean that their view is correct. We must work with everything we have to change that outlook. I work, I change, I grow, Never giving into the void of sadness, yet I am still crouched on the edge staring in. I am doing all this cause one day you will look at me with those eyes I long to see. You will notice me, You will see me for the man that I am. Just a matter of time.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


He reached down and picked up the flowers. They where larger then him and thus made for a very difficult carry. He looked like a small child bringing his father a rifle. The way it sticks out both sides of his arms, clinched to his chest and waddling back and forth not wanting to damage such important a thing. So was this bear like in bring the flowers to the man, and flowers can be just as deadly.

Monday, March 21, 2005

I got my feet in your sand.

There is some comfort when one looks back and sees foot prints in the sand, proof of existence is right there in the dirt. There is some sorrow when the ocean wipes those foot prints away, proof that my existence here is only temporary. I think that there is something motivating that while those foot prints are only temporal as long as we keep moving they will always be there. The things we do in this world fade, but what makes those changes if what matters.
Which is my feet I guess? This doesn't make much sense but what does really.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Man Figure

I awoke last night as a stick figure. I was still me but only made out of think black lines living in a white world. I was still a man but one could not tell from my appearance, because really stick figures unless they are dressed have no gender. So males and females are determined by personality not so much genetics and DNA. So any ways after getting over the shock of being a shell of a man I decide to take a look around. I found that I was not alone in this stick built world. I saw many things from stick cats and dogs to stick cars and planes. The world was virtually the same but a great deal simpler. One didn’t have to worry about colors or cloths or a third dimension. I found a street with lights and music spilling out and decide to take a walk down it. I found many other stick people and they found me. I could hear them and they me, but I am not sure how. We had neither ears for hearing nor mouths for speaking. All we really had where black dots for heads and lines to make up our bodies and limbs. This would have interested me but I was enjoying myself to much. I would have really liked to understand how one has a thing like a radio in such a situation. I found myself dancing and playing stick games. People cared very little about what they did because no one could tell one person for another so embarrassment was out of the question. I discover many other people had just awaked in the same situation like I did, however some had recently awaked and others had been here for some time. The ones that had been here for awhile said that most of the new people would leave later but some would stay for a long time. I meet a girl; I could tell by the way she talked also she said she was who I got along with great. The only problem is she thought it was the funniest thing to make me confused. She would run off into the crowed of people and I would have to find her. She looked like everyone else and she new that. I would have to go from person to person trying to tell if it was this girl. I never caught her name and I may never get her; this was not the point however. She enjoyed being looked for and I enjoyed finding her. I didn't like looking but what person does. We all want to be looked for. I tiered of the game after a while and went to the dance floor. I tried to have a good time but would always think that I was missing something. I dance till my little lines hurt. I then lay down and slept. Just before I drifted off I thought I heard her voice, or it was just a new song starting. I then awoke this morning and I decided to be me again and left that shell of a man behind. It was fun for a while but not me.
Stick Person

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Water Rising

The glow of the light filled the room. Everyone was happily tossing fish from one place to another, grabbing bowels and buckets to fill with water, and then just throwing it over their shoulders or aimlessly to the side. Mostly they where just moving the water around not really getting any real work done. I watched the fools from afar as they played their games making themselves feel grand. All the while death circled the sinking room. Some of the people where really trying to save themselves and others, really they where the ones I felt sorry for, those where the ones that understood what was really happing and could easily have saved themselves and yet they could not give up on the others. The ones I hated where the ones that would not even take notice of the situation. They could plainly see what had to be done and yet would sit there refusing to say that things where not looking good. Each person’s mouth was moving; some saying very little with much movement of the lips others had no sound escape their oral cavity at all. A few only parted their lips slightly and screams and cries louder then ever I heard came forth. The movement of their jaws was just as odd as what the ears seemed to be hearing. Some would gather around those whose lips continuously move. They either hearing great things or waiting hoping to hear something. They may have just sat their not wanting to ask if anyone else could not hear him. Some responded with words to other who gave no question and all the while the screams from those few seemed to fall on deft ears. The water was about waist deep now and the fish harder to catch. Those that refused to leave the floor for one reason or another where either starting to or had finished drowning. The water continued to rise and the glow that filled the room faded. Soon it was dark and little could be hear but mumbling in the dark and rushing water. I think I should move up the stairs.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

call in the dark

I was in the middle of a perfectly beautifully depressing story when a girl called me and I lost my emotional motivation for writing. At one moment I was a man lost, trying to figure out the scatter clues of his ransacked apartment. I stood their in the mist of my broken life when the phone rang. I pick it up and that world was shattered. So pleasant a voice and claming a demeanor one can’t but help but be drag (even kicking and screaming) to a happier state of mind. When the call ended I had lost all taste for the story. I simply couldn’t remember where I was taking the reader, but I didn’t want to know. I was simply glad to be alive and wanted to think of happier things for the moment. So here is to women and people and things that make us glad to be alive.
I would like to hear some things that have drag others into a more joyful disposition.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

There goes the neighborhood

Check this out if the name Treavor rings a bell.


Random Thoughts

Ok so I have taken lines from my real journal and placed them here. I thought it would be interesting for others to guess the context of each, or make up their own crazy ideas.

1. So out of no where I was hit in the head with something. The force of the impact was intense so much so that I awoke what seemed to be later that night.

2. Beware of information that you want to be true.

3. I am scared, I do not know my own feelings. I am at a loss of words. I found the dream girl for the man I was, yet I am no longer that man.

This is what I did instead of listening in class

little cakes so soft and sweet
oh disc of joy I long to eat
made for me by a goddess divine
with hair so red so soft so fine
with skin milky smooth like cream
whose deep brown eyes fill my dreams
my love for you I will swear a creed
for your flipping skill is rare indeed
The feelings I have will always be something
as long as you keep those cakes a coming

Monday, March 14, 2005

Fading Feelings

I know have my goodness with me. At the same time I can feel it fading. I want to do nothing that will make this feeling fade. I want to sing praises from the roof tops. I want to run through the streets expounding the things I have learend.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Reflection and Diffraction of the self

We stare into pools of memories seeing glimpses of events that we once lived and loved. We thought of our selves so wise then, much as we think of our selves so wise now. Each of us has life changing events. For some they come early, others late. Can we look back at who we where without disgust, cause we must. To look back at our lives and understand we where different then make it possible to look at others and see how they are different now. We move away from our childhood homes and childhood dreams. We jump into the refiner’s fire and can do nothing but change. We experience many things and we are built and broken a thousand times. We stare out of the fire and see where we have been. As others are tossed in we see how we ourselves have changed. We look at them and think of how we use to be. We are better now. Better from what we use to be. We compare ourselves to others and see how we are different. Not better or worst simply different. In our own refining process we each gain and lose different things, applying layers, adding depth, forging our bodies, and customizing our souls. Trying to become the person we wish to be.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Always on my Mind

For all I care this town's already dead and empty
I am told that I'm a victim of obsession
That's what my friends say
Oh I'm a fool for having ever let her tempt me

Well I turn pale when she walks by
I am lost in her eyes
She is always on my mind
She is always on my mind

She glances over but she keeps on walking down that street
All I can do is hope that she is thinking of me
If I could blink
If I could breathe
If I could get my legs to move
If this could be the day I get this girl to love me

She had turned from a sound,
Well I must have cried out loud
She is always on my mind
She is always on my mind

Friday, March 04, 2005


Thoughts that Inspire

He's not heave he's my brother.
I knew you would come.
nobody saw a low figure carrying a broken heap down the road.
I always keep my word.(razor on the palm)
[girl in the hall of cibola screaming for help]-let us call her grace.
rita's story

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Rama Jama

Upbeat and with a name to match her personality. Jolly aka black betty, aka rama jama, aka mama jolly, aka Emily Jolly. She is know for her flirtation and infamous laugh. Everyone always screams her name as she walks by. Jolly upon hearing her name will stop and look a little dumfounded like "who the crap is bothering me." Then she realizes it's not one of the many people she doesn't care for (which by the way she talks about a lot but have yet to see any of them, they maybe fake ) gets really happy and raises her voice to match her raising joy. She is one of the only people that can understand some of the weird comments I make. This is cause she also has worked with mentally handicap people. I always like talking about them but feel people get sick of the topic quickly. Jolly however understands that it's like talking about your children. We exchange stoies and tales while others just roll their eyes thinking we're dumb. She is also very thoughtful of others. The main thing that comes to mind is that she is very touchy, yet if you don't like it (cough, Mike, Cough) then she stays away from such things. She also is a volunteer in BYUSA and helps out for many things. Calling me when she gets into a pinch and forcing me to be a better person and do something for humanity. Jolly is always a little boy crazy but in a good way. When you're feeling like something the cat dragged in she can make you feel like Brad freaking Pit. Let me say that this can back fire some what also. She will say random things are sexy, so people like me will not understand that she is joking and do those stupid things again but in more public areas. One quickly finds out that something’s really are just plain stupid and some people should just stay away from trying to be sexy. She'll let you win at almost any game so you can feel better about yourself, well at least I think she is letting me win. I have only seen her get mad once and it was from a misunderstanding which when understood she was back to being happy. Slow to anger but quick to clam is really a impressive thing. She is also queen of the side hug. I know no one that can give a side hug half as good as she can. She makes crakes at her size and laughs at others crakes also. Showing no sorrow for things she can't control. Well what can be said about Rama Jama, other then thanks for being alive.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Do you ever feel the anger boiling up inside you?

I consider myself a pacifist man. I have made oaths not to harm another, and yet I came so close today. I can't understand the stupidity of my gender how some can only feel good about themselves when breaking down others. They brag about their wicked deeds and minor accomplishments. It sickness me and brings sorrow into my soul. The incident I speak of was hearing one of these foul beasts bragging to another about some wicked deed he had wrought. I am known for being able to keep my cool, yet I lost it then. For the things he was bragging about, not just sins against himself or god, but against a friend of mine. I can't go into detail for that would also be wrong for me to do so. Let me just say it could be classified under "locker room talk". The anger and hatred built up inside me. I didn't just hate what he did, but I think I hated him for doing it. Without thinking I spun around and grabbed him by his shirt, twisting and pulling him close. Emotions can be related to water. If you dam it up it builds up pressure and when it finally breaks it is a mighty force indeed. I lost myself then, just for a moment but that moment was almost too much. I held him close with a clinched fist staring into his eyes, trying to rethink about what I should do. I opened and closed my free hand. Talking started to died down as people started to realize what was going on around them, yet I and the man I held in my hands where both in a sense of shock. I hated this man with the utmost contempt. For what he had done and for all those like him. It would be so easy to just let that anger out onto his chest and face. The problem is that my mind would not let me forget the promises I made and the books I have read. One of which was that one man can't harm another. Why? Well cause one always dehumanizes the other, which is kind of what I was doing. This was not a man I had caught but some demon. I would deal him a blow for justice. I had right on my side. God was with me right? right? The problem was that I don't get any inspiration to do such things. This was an action of passion. I had acted without thinking. I was in the wrong. People say it takes courage to do the right thing. Courage has never been the hard part, but the willpower for such actions. To fight for something is one thing, but to stand back and hold thy tongue when you wish to speak I think is much harder. I know not how long I held him there, but finally someone came up and placed their hand on my arm. They asked something but I wasn't really listening. I just then realized that I was holding him off the ground. Not much just about an inch or two but I am not a tall man and this man was easily taller then me in retrospect. The adrenaline that flows thru our veins in such times is really very impressive. I set him down and left with out saying anything. That may have been the wrong thing to do. I now have many grand things I think I could have said back then. Great speeches about doing what is right and virtuous, about how wretched his actions were. I could not however. I had just gotten my witts about me and it was all I could do to place him down and leave with a cool temperament.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Angelina no telphono

Long time gone, but back with a bang. Person of the day is now here with a vengeance. This day it is a person who is very close to my heart. I know little about her really and what I do know is mostly second hand. However she is still one of the greatest inspirations to me in my life. She has walked her own path longer and stronger then anyone I know. She is a passionate person and will quickly let explain what is on her mind, While others hold their ideas and feelings inside for fear of social acceptances.
Family has a weird way of helping you like no one else can. They can be truly honest with you and hearing it will causes little trouble. I am able to reevaluate myself better by talking with her for 5 mins than I am conversing with friends for a week. She is brutally honest with everyone and it is really refreshing to have someone tell me things that I feel but others refuse to say. This night I talked with her, it being her B day and all. We talked about many things and I made two promises. One to not chum the waters with this meat sponge my soul moves around in. The second was to try becoming something which I am not. By the way thanks I have been feeling like that for sometime, but I don't think anyone but you could have told me that and I have listened.
I have a mental list of the top ten women in my life among them are women like my mother and a girl that bit into an onion once. My dear sister comes in at number two on this list. To tell you of her many trials and great deeds would be over stepping my bounds as a simple writer and humble brother. I can say somethings however, like i believe that she is the one that cultured the idea in my mind that it's all about your attitude. Here is a girl that doesn't stand much taller then 5'4" but she could make a 300lb man shake in his boots. Also she once beat up a girl with a phone, while the police where on the other end. I mean come on people this is one tuff cookie. I just wish these mediocre words of mine could express the greats of the woman they are trying to speak of. She is beautiful, talented, and smart. What can I say to better tell about her? Just know this my dear sister that I love you more then panacakes, you bring me more happiness then flaming penguins and your more fun the a litlane pulmer in red overalls. I would gladly do anything for you. I have made many changes in my life thanks to you so please know this that the world may suck, friends come and go but they don't love you like I love you and this love is eternal and unbreakable. You deserve the best and I hope you get it.