Friday, December 17, 2004


It's funny. I have always watched movies and TV hoping and trying to inspire myself. As of recently I have found that most of the things that stir the most emotions and strivings are incredibly depressing. I tell a joke about how my mother once told me she thought I was depressed. I then proceed to tell me friends cause I thought it was so funny. They all told me that they could see me as depressed. I just thought "Well I was before. All my friends and family think I'm depressed. How depressing." I still think this is kind of funny. I have a ways seemed to learn more from pain and sadness then joy. I once said that I am an emotion Massasoit. I still hold to this believe. I seen to understand this more day by day. I also recently have discovered that I am two people. I was born on May 31 1983. I am a Gemini. Gemini are twins. I do not believe in such things, but I also know very little about them. I do know now that I am two people. As we all maybe. One of the two is stronger then the other. One is bound and gaged in the deeps of my mind. The other is in control. When I see or read the things that I do I can hear the other screaming. His voice is horse and soft for he is so deeply buried, yet he never quits yelling, never. He is so strong and has such endurance. I, I am so weak in comparison. How he was ever forced into submission I have no clue. The one in control is lazy. He has become better over the years. Lost many of his more wicked traits. He has kept this laziness however and as let it proceed. I am trying to dig down and free the other, yet the laziness is the real foe. I am not a violent man. Well that is not true. I am one. I have decided that I could never kill a man. I will never give in to evil men. I will also not kill them. People tell me that the lord sometimes use the good to kill the wicked. I hear stories of the children of Israel. I just think that they are not a great example of how to be. They where always quick to return to their wicked ways. If the lord wants someone returned to him, let him do it. He is all powerful and can do anything. I think people forget this allot. I could never take an innocent life. And as such I could never be part of a war then. I could not kill a evil man. For I would kill him in his sin. Which I could not forgive myself for. I have to much trouble forgiving myself for things that I have done to myself, let alone others. I the lord dame me to hell for such things so be his will. I could not live in heaven with a clear concision if I had done any such thing. I am not saying that all soldiers are evil. That I think that there is never for one man to take another's. I do not know of any, that does not mean that their is not one. People can be forgiven of such sins I believe. I have to believe it. The pain would be to much other wise. I simply know that I could not do it, cause I could not forgive myself. I will always stand a fight for what is right. I will not run and will not hide. I am no coward when it come to what is right. I will resist not evil neither will I run from it. I will turn my other cheek. I will not go gently into that good night. I will rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

A Pic of my Head

People are fish and I am a man on a boat. If the boat is life then the ocean is the world and let just say that the man on top of the water is no better then the fish in the water. In this writing at least. I mean in real life of course a man is much more important then fish, but if i kept that in this it would mess things up. Anyways, size doesn't matter and neither does color. Unless it's blue and red. So fish eat other fish as do I then man on the water. Fish talk to other fish but don't understand each other cause really what are fish going to talk about. I (as the man on the water) also talk to fish and they to me. Each thinking that the other can understand them, even if they themselves cannot. The fish smell, but in the water no one can tell. The man stinks but alone on the ocean no one can tell. The horse that drives the boat talks only about how great it is to be a horse and that ever one should really try it. Both the fish and the man laugh at him cause each think being a horse would be silly. Also what is the point in telling someone to be something they can't be. They both give the horse some respect cause his boat driving skills are better then anyone else's. There is always music playing but it skips allot and is filled with ads. With music all the time it becomes the nature sound and they can't understand it as music but just noises of natural. They might think twice if they saw the penguins with the big boom box in the back. They might even chip in to get a better radio. The water is cold till one gets into it. Then it's warm and taste like cherry's, not real cherry's but the candy kind. which is a little tart but better tasting in my opinion. When you are in the water getting out seems to make one sick and tired. Which it does. Only it makes getting back in the water better. Also it's the only place to listen to the horse talk clearly. He also give a few speeches on how to receive happiness for those who refuse to become horses. The boat is the only one that knows where it's going. The man is always thinking if it's going the right way. The horse knows it's never going the right way and is trying to fix it's heading. The fish don't know and don't seems to care. the penguins follow the music but don't know it and the water follows them all.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Letter from Home

Nothing makes you reevaluate your life like going home. For one it forces one back into the role of a child. At some point I am sure this changes, but that line is to far down the road for me to judge the distance. This has many pros and cons. For one it gives a sense of comfort from daily live. Also room and board our for the most part free. The draw backs are that they still want to act the role of a parent of a child. They try there best to "play it cool" to just take a back seat and enjoy you time with them, but always end up reverting back. I do not blame them for as I hear being a parent is the best part of life. The thing I can best relate what I see in them, is what I see in myself. Let me explain better. When I am around a girl that I am trying to impress, more then others, I find myself awkward. My words do not come. My jokes are off time. My movements are rough. I am trying my best to play it cool, but my real self shows past my usual facade. I think that it is the same with parents. They want to let their children "spread their wings", yet being around for much longer are filled with much more knowledge. It's funny cause being a parent is the consider one of the only times where keeping knowledge is considered acceptable. So they find it hard to act other wise. And like I act with the girl their true caring self sips out. I do not mind this. On the contrary I love it deeply (even if the nature man some times make me act other wise). I am way off subject let me start over.
Nothing makes a person re look at their life like going home. One sees people they knew as children. Ones goes to many places that have had so many memorizes. You talk with people that where at one point all their was to your life. You think about what life was like then, when you where younger. You think about how life is now, and if it really is that different. People like to think that they have change. That they have grown. Become a better person today then what they where yesterday. In this old environment however it seems to tell us that we still have much more to go before we can say we have grown. Maybe it is just me. Maybe no one else feels these my things. As I get older I am finding that I seem to be different then other. I am trying to resist these feels but time will tell the truth. Alas we then are forced into situations that we where in when we where younger. I for one find myself not acting much different. I dive back into my childhood games and pastimes.
This town to me is almost like a really crappy time capsule. For the people stay the same, yet everything else changes. Children are older, friends have gone to different places, people have moved away or returned, and yet seem to be the same. Kids I had know for church as a child myself are now full grown in prosuit of the things that they believe will make them happy. I seemed to have turned into an old man. Think about how such fools they are. Mostly cause of what a fool I was then. I am reminded of a joke I heard once. Think of yourself 10 years ago. where you smart? heck no. you where an idiot. No think in 10 years your going to be thinking the same thing about your self now as you do abut yourself 10 years ago. there was more to it then that but that is the part that had the point I was trying to make. once again knowing where this is going to be read, I must remind others these are my thoughts which are about as solid as jello on a hot day. It's going to melt away in time it's just a matter of when.
I find it hard to think clearly. Cause I am stuck in a loop. I have come to think as every body as human. I do not think of any race or religions as other wise. Wicked men I just look at with pity now and think of how one man can help. I am racked with the questions that I can hear others tossing my why if they could read my thoughts. "sure none volince is good, but what if someone was going to hurt your family?" "what if someone was going to rap another?" "What if someone was going to kill another?" "Is it not our job to try and stop them?" I have no answers to theses questions. This is what fills my thoughts. I don't know even where to Begin. I don't even know if I could hold back my anger or blood lust if I saw another person hit someone I care for. If one man hits another I would try to stop it but not feel for one or the other. If it was a friend or family then I would want to stop the other even if by force, if not start with it. ahhh..... what to do? what to do? Christ never hit anyone? He never killed another? Yet he had all power, that must mean something right. I am not sure what. it is late. And this is long. for another day.. for another day...

Sunday, December 05, 2004

My Lai

Some of the thoughts in this may be taken as depresing and sad. They are but I am fine and you should be also. Read at your own risk and if you fill down Just let me know and I will fix it.

I have just finished reading about the horrible things that happened in My Lai doing the Vietnam war. It hurts my soul and brings me to tears. As I was reading I thought if I could fall so far from the way I see things now to how those men acted. I was hesitant at first to think that I could drop so far, yet I then read a a count of a member of Charily company that was also a Mormon. He took part in the massacrer. I still feel a slave to my emotions. When feelings change so quickly that I can hardly think straight. I would like to believe that I am above such things. I am afraid that I can not say that. I now not the things that happened to break these men. How their ears became deft to such things. All I know is that they reacted to their emotions like I do. Until I can tame my thoughts and passions, Every urge and idea, I will not be above those things. I have to push my self each day to do these things. As children we live in a wonderland, but we grow up. And our hearts break in two. These was a large scale thing. Like cancer on humanity. Many things had to break down. Many things had to go wrong. Their are some things daily that I still do not do that hurt people little by little. If I was there and had the moral courage to with stand the massacre. Could I have helped others? Could I have saved even one life? In Matthew it talks about how the seeker of knowledge is the seeker of sorrow. I believe this more and more with each thing I learn. I have not the perfect knowledge of all things like god. In Alma's travels with Amulek he sees women and children throw into a fire and burned. Amulek wants to save them using the power if god, yet Alma stops him. Telling him that the lord welcomes his children back into his fold. Until we can become one with gods plan, Until we can strive to do the lords will, knowledge will bring noting of worth. What happens to a persons body is of little effect. What happens to a persons soul is eternal. I have trouble with this. I seek to be a better person. Not for me, not for me... I need to be better to help others. I am so weak and cause so much of my own pain in this world. How can I hope to fix that of others if I cause so much of my own. The only answers is to become stronger, better, smarter. I strive for perfection so that my friends will not be hurt. I strive for perfection so that people can stop hurting each other. Ghandi was a great man. He had such moral strength. I read his words and see how to him there was only one option at the time to do good. By his example and influence he help so many. I went to a choir concert last night. One of the songs was from the man of Lamoncha. It's a play about don Quinta. It was called the impossible dream. It was all about how this man dreams the impossible dream. He strives for the things that can not be obtained, and yet he knows this. He still does it cause he can do nothing else. It is his dream. I have an impossible dream. I have a desire in my heart. To help end suffering for other and not add to it my self. I had a friend recently ask me why I feel this way. Why I try to help others. I could not answerer her. My only thoughts was that god made me this way. Her answer was that nobody else is like that. I could only think of my brother is also like me. I still however do not have a good answer for her. Which I am truly sorry for. All I can say is that I don't know how feel any other way. Why don't people want to help each other all the time? Why don't people stop hurting one another? All I can say is "Why don't they?"

Another so story, but don't fret cause I'm not

They say it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. Well I don't know how true that statement is cause I for one can't say that I have been in love. I had a friend once said that to be in love it has to be two ways. Now there are somethings where it could be one way like parents and such but for other things I think it works. I have fallen for girls that have not returned that affection which is fine, but what really hurts is when you lose them to someone you dislike. It happened only once before that I fell this hard. Back in high school with Alica Hudson (I called her Alica Hotson) She had been dating this guy for awhile that was in collage. I still tried to get her. All I got was two dates and a broken heart. fast forward 4 years and you get it again. My father once told me that people like to hear the same story told in different ways. I seem to like to write the same tale in different ways. Well I am not good at talking about myself (at least not where I know people can read {and I think she knows how to get to this page}) but gandin says you got to try new things to know if you don't like them. I never really opened up and don't really want to. I fear by this time the smell would be just to much. Deep breath and here we go.... So this girl was cute and fun. She was into allot of the stuff that I really liked. She talked to me like is really felt that I was listening and cared. She made me believe that I was the only one that could make her happy. Which if anyone knows me that means that I have to make her happy. However from the start I knew something was up. She would always talk about this other guy when she was around me. Then tell me how great I was and that she knew no one else like me. Then back to this guy that kept standing her up. When he ever showed up she would leave with him. As my friends here at BYUH would tell you I seem to be a glutton for pain. So I tried to fight a little. Then when things seemed to be going in my favor. She up and stopped talking to me and would only hang out with his best friend. Now when ever I see her she talks like I never see her or try. I can only think it's you who doesn't return calls, it's you who is always late or doesn't show up. People are always afraid of being played. I thought I was above that. What a fool I've been, what a fool. all in all it's all good. I can't be sad for long cause of promise I've made, and my word is my bond. On the upbeat people have said that I am happier and livelier. I wish that I could be a little more bitter about things but know it's mostly my issues. Dancing around is fun and climbing on things is also.