Culture Evolution

I have heard the phrase "culture evolution" allot lately. I think it is odd how so many people seem to believe in this. Members of the church who think that evolution is against the gospel (which by the way, the church takes no stand point on evolution) will gladly accept culture evolution. I don't believe culture has evolved much if at all. Things have just gone from not that great to not that great. We trade one bad thing for another. We make things better by making others worst. Most of the theorist I have read as of late have this pessimist out look on government and the power that be. The governments are always bad and never doing things right. Now it is true that power corrupts, but not everything is bad all the time. Theorists try to place everything into small boxes that don't really fit all that much. They find a nugget of truth and run with it. Missing lager things in there excitement. These theorists try and use this little bit of knowledge work and fit to everything. Things are big and complex and trying to make them other wise does not make sense. Everything may be connected, but everything is not directly connected. I refuse to believe that my personal like for blue rather then pink makes Japanese economy better off. These theorist and their worshipers fill up books on the topic of their nugget to try and make up for it's lack of real value. Like a skinny man tries to puff himself up, so does a weak speaker fill his speech with meaningless words.

dis-k&-'nekt

Thought:
When does a romantic fall in love?
When he wakes up.
When does a romantic's heart break
When reality sets in.

Words spoken to me:
"If I slit your thought with your dying words you would apologies for bleeding on my shirt."

Out of context writing:
I sit in this fish bowl of my mind staring out thought the holes in my skull. I wake up each morning, paint over the agony I hold in side and get ready for another performance for the day. Like some French mime. This is really the most depressing part because I don’t like France.

Old Number:
801-310-6818

New Number:
808-224-9631

Closing Words:
I live as a man with no regrets, well other then saying something stupid, and being late, oh and that time I got hit in the head with that banana.

Rain

The rain was pouring down. Isaac knelt next to the body of this nameless individual.
" I am sorry that I can't change. I am sorry that I am not the person that you need. I am sorry for this man that I am. I'm not who you needed. I try and try but when it counts is when I am weak. I want to be the man you need, yet I know not how."
Isaac knelt down to this man and placed his life less head in his hands.
"You kept asking why I always acted so taught. It's cause I never am."
With a steady hand Isaac closed this mans eyes, placing him in that eternal slumber.
"I never am."
Isaac laid the mans head back on the ground then got out his handkerchief and canteen. Wetting down the cloth he cleaned that mans face.
"Let me give you at least this."
After his work was done he stood up and limped away. Leaving the man to that peace that he could not find in life.

Forget yourself and get to work

I would like to add

P.S. Be happy about it.

The lord doesn't want us to forget just our joy, or just our sorrow. He wants us to forget ourselves and every thing that we think is important and then do his work. I think this is something to be very happy about, but it's not easy to do. I think this will be my new goal. Not just to forget myself and go to work, but being happy about it also.

Bird House in My Soul

Warning

Think not of this as sad, but as a thought process. Remember that this is no longer a journal for my life, but a place for my thoughts and ideas

It is never easy to cut off a hand or pluck out a eye (Matt. 5: 29,30). To sever ones own flesh to improve the whole. Every gardner knows that you must cut and trim to get growth. To garden ones own soul is hard work indeed. To weed and plow is one thing, but to uproot plants that have already been sewed is very troublesome. Not only is the labor hard, but it breaks ones heart to see something you thought would bring you so much joy dead, or worst killing the rest of the garden. So up it must come, and new seeds shall be placed in their stead.

Sorrow Ever Lasting

Spilt out the blood. Clamp the teeth down while taking in a deep breath. Exhale, clutching the wound as you raise to your feet. Stare at the bearer of the bad news and wait for it...... Now smile.

The world has something against me. I always thought this, but logic constantly won over the case. The truth could not be hidden any longer however. The wound given was trouble some and will take much care to heal, yet the bearer of the bad news has been unmasked.

continue to show that nothing can bring you down. You got work to do before this ticker tocks it's last. People need you in better condition then what you are.

I must apologize to everyone for these recent months. I have not been the person I should be. I have been preoccupied with trivial things and self interests. I now force forward a new resolve and new oaths. As old goals have been passed and old promises keep I must continue to create new ones. I did not get this far by taking breaths or going easy. If I can lash onto what I did before, just how far can I go?

The turmoil of that moment hits you, that you may not be able to do what you sent out to do, then that stubborn determination that follows. The determination that carries you past that point of no return. Then the weightless feeling of the fear and cares melting away as you shift from unresolved to unwavering.

To stare into the face of fear and be completely terrorfied is nothing special to me. To continue to take those steps forward while feeling afraid is where the interesting part lies. To look into the black abuse of the unknown and trust in God and myself. Two people can do anything if one of them is God. Then I lose thoughts about if I should do this or that and thoughts turn to what I need to do. I can't explain the feeling of not simply over coming your fears but acting through them. Slowly pushing passed those negative thoughts that pile up in my mind.

To lose a battle here, but win another there.

BRIGHT EYES-"A Perfect Sonnet"

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line'
Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone

But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence

But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost

But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing

We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be

Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness

No, but you should

I think this line could be used in allot of things.

Do I have to live?

Do I have to have fun?

Do I have to ask her/him out?

It fitts many things. You don't have to do anything, but you should.

non

All things that have form decay. These feelings are formless and are no held to the law of entropy. All my thoughts and feelings are part of me. They make up who I am. my feelings are shards of my soul. My soul is eternal it can not be destroyed. So any feelings that I have will never be destroyed also. Regret, sorrow, confusion are all emotions. Just as strong and colorful as their opposites relief, joy, and certainty. I enjoy life best when I taste all of these. The quicker they come and go the better. As long as I am feeling something. I hate neutral emotions the most. like content, and boredom . I much rather be in the depths of sorrow then content with life. Now I much rather be certain or extremely happy then in the depths of sorrow, but my choices are some what limited. These emotions are strong and where there are strong feelings there is a path. When you are confused you try and find the answers. When you are certain you shoot forward with little thought. But when your content then you move no where. Mostly from fear of ending up some place negative. If you don't move you will never go any where. That is way I say where there are strong emotions there is a path. It is not always clear, but at least you are trying to walk it.

I move now from anything that might be taken as an on-line journal. These are my last words in that respect. I have found that there are things that I can not say here, and so this becomes a grave yard for my random thoughts. My they fall here and the ones of value will take root else where.

Faltering

What does it mean to fall in love?
What does it mean to make a promise, to keep ones word. Can people really do these things. How can one know when to break those promises? Can we fight the good fight with all we have, and if we find this cause unworthy put down the sword and shield.
Sacrificing all we did, in hopes for the great good.
Can we dig a hole placing all these woos inside. Is there no place to run and hide, form our past and horrors we keep inside. What knowleag can we gain, to turn our truth to lies.

Can we taken in the pain and smile through the slits. Losing our cool, like never before.

I know that barrier that I have made. I know that I offered love and got mistrust instead. Time will tell what true virtue brings. If that heaven shall here me sing. With beating Heart I wait, Anxious, trembling for the Birth of Fate.

upon rereading this it sounds almost like a poem, ah but it's not. pomes have rhyme and reason. Temp and time, while this has none. Well the good poems do. Take what you will form it.

Pain is temporal, but regret is eternal

Quitters never win.

Flowers to fight monster powers

So person of the day has been slow and not every day. There will still be person of the day, but the blogs about them will have to wait till after mid terms. Just ask if you want to know who it is.

Sirens song

I have coveted and lost allot of those things I hold dear. Thoughts of a woman have pushed the more important things out of my head. I am clear minded now but don't know how long it will last. This woman has taken everything from me. My cleverness, my charm, my carefree attitude. She fills my head with only thoughts of her. She is killing my softly and pleasantly. I have not the time nor energy for skirt chasing. I now understand the song of the sirens. I was lured away in a slumber, forgetting my daily routines and personal defenses. I have let my life get into disarray for simple sweet sounds of her voice and chance glimpses of her beauty. As a friend would say I've been kicking myself in the crouch for awhile now, it's about time for the side effects. I am still to much of a coward to utter my captors name. I will grow in time, but still hold to my words. What I am saying is I may be weak in one area but strong in another. I hold true to my words. I will not type her name her for it is not fit for such a place. I will tell any one that ask for it, I promise that much. I will tie my weakness to my strengthen and I can drag them both into the light. May I break new ground in my desire for growth. I once read that it is never a mistake to care for someone. Let us see if this holds true. I know that she does not wish a relationship, and I don't think I could give her one if I wanted. I am much to inexperienced in matters of the heart. I now bit my tongue and swallow my pride. I am not completely free from her song, yet I am at least in a AA meeting for it.

My Sophistication

What can people really say about their own education? People who get the best schooling really complain the least, even though they would be the most qualified to do so. The issues with a poor education are that either people do not know that they are unlearned, or they do not have the words or ability to argue it very well. So, the responsibility falls onto the heads of those with a "proper" education. These people may not feel an obligation to change or improve things because they already have all the advantages that a good education brings. The only thing left to do is for people to take education into their own hands.

I myself am a product of both proper and poor educational systems. As a child I was pretty smart. I knew a lot of facts and was good at math. I grew up in a land called New Mexico, however, where if one was not in danger of becoming a junkie or gang member, then they were pretty much ignored. I was always told that I was bright and was not encouraged by my teachers to become brighter. These things had drastic effects on me as a child. Instead of learning and trying to grow, I became skilled at how to beat the system. I discover how to sweet talk my B into an A and how to get the class to turn on the teacher so as to not count an assignment. I would listen in class and cram right before a test, containing knowledge just long enough to let it spill out onto the paper. I got good grades in high school, yet I am now feeling the side effects of getting grades and not gaining intelligence. I do not know how to write proper sentence structures. I have no clue to the rules of grammar, and I could not tell you a date something happened in time to save my life. Montaigne would say that this type of intelligence is not really intelligence. That knowing facts and repeating what the teachers says is only the outward look of knowledge. I hope he is right.

A few years ago I moved away from home, and by doing so away from the persona and rut that I had made for myself. I had a lot of free time at first and started a journal. This was one of the biggest steps on my road to personal growth. I started to see myself like a character in a story, and I didn't like what I saw. The character had no depth; he couldn’t spell or put thoughts together. His ideas where childish and simple. He was a two dimensional character living in a three dimensional world. Also, at this same time my brother thought it a good idea to try to civilize me. He encouraged and challenged me to read a great variety of books. I learned things that I would have never found on my own. This was kindling to the fire that would soon start. I went about living my life, thinking I could learn a little on the side from books, but mostly from just experiencing life. All the while my brother built up the proverbial woodpile in my mind. I was like Don Quixote and his books. I had not yet reached the breaking point, but was quickly approaching it. While reading Don Quixote, I always wondered what the last book he read was. Was there one book that finally cut that last thread of sanity? As for me, there was. On a random whim, a match was tossed into that woodpile in my mind. I picked up a book called Slaughterhouse Five, where I learned about the fire bombing of Dresden at the end of World War II. It was a sucker punch to my way of thinking. I had heard of such bad things happening in books, but never thought of them happening in modern times. I think now I never really believed them to have happened in reality at all until that point in time.

To know that people would do such atrocities to each other sparked my thirst for knowledge. At first, this thirst was to disprove the things I had discovered, or at least show it as an isolated event. I had to find that redeeming quality in humanity. Instead of finding water all I found was fuel. With each new book the fire grew in intensity. I devoured many books in a short amount of time. I have dyslexia and had never really read very much, as it was difficult for me. However, in a matter of a few months I built up my own library. I could not go into a bookstore and leave empty-handed. I became an intellectual junkie. I was fortunate because I had many people in my life that helped keep me grounded before I went off the deep end. Unlike Don Quixote who people seemed only to play along with him in the name of help. I soon discovered that some of the things I was getting into were over my head. I needed help and decided to go back to school. BYU was very helpful, but the cost of learning and living were too much. I had to spend most of my time trying to earn a living to learn things that were not stimulating enough. I gained insights that I could not have gained on my own. However, it seemed that the fire inside me was slowly dying. Which at this point was not what I wanted. Before my awakening I was ignorant and thus safe. Now I knew there was more to learn, but was growing cold to the outside world. My thirst had not been quenched. I had just become accustomed to the feeling.

I began working at a home for mentally handicapped individuals. I took a semester off from school to work full time. This gave me the time to continue my own research and get more funds to ransom the knowledge others were holding hostage. I still find it disturbing that it costs so much to try and learn something. The work I had stumbled into was a flame to those dying embers. I had taken the job because I could not find another. I honesty had a fear of old people and people with mental retardation, these individuals were both. I was forced out of the rut I had eased into. A new fire was born. It was a different fire and fueled by different things, yet still gave warmth. I learned many things and grew exponentially. I found out how blessed I was. I learned the pain of death of those you hold dear. I had many experiences in a short time. It was like I crammed 3 years of living into one.

With little notice, I pick up my things and moved again. The best way to learn is to get outside your comfort zone. The best way to get outside of your comfort zone is to surround yourself with people you do not know. So, I came to Hawaii. I had another chance to rebuild myself in the eyes of those who did not yet know me. People tend to think we are who we project ourselves to be, and we begin to think of ourselves the way other people perceive us. I am learning about some of the simpler things in life, while still trying to keep those fires inside me burning. Many things attempt to put the flames out. Girls, games, movies, and music all can toss a wet blanket upon our flames, yet these are not all bad. Some people we encounter can make the flames explode and nearly consume us. Over these past few years I would like to think that the old me has been consumed by the flames. While I am still being purified, I have hope that I will find the answers to my questions. The seeker of knowledge is truly the seeker of sorrow. We learn about many disturbing things that we have little or no control over. We almost seem to be running towards a goal that we can never attain. However, I believe that if we just stop and look back at where we were, we can see progress has been gained. Maybe not a lot, but a lot better than none.

Evil Beard

Person of the day is a women with a beard. And if I may say it is not an evil beard. She goes by the name of Amanda. In my phone she is Space Cowgirl. Her degree will be coming to her in the spring and she will soon be leaving these green isles for greener pastures. I always seem to find one person that I give small bits of info about myself to. Little things that I need to say out load and have another hear. So that they will not fall away unspoken. In Utah it was Marsha. In Hawaii it is Amanda. She got attitude and spice which gives others a taste for life. She is a RA and thus very helpful to others. She is always helping me with Japanese and always willing to jump into debates on ideals. She seems to be always keeping in touch with people. Which to me means that out of sight doesn't mean out mind, at least to her. She is almost always the one to call me to let me know of what is going down. I know no one that likes so many of the same songs as I do. Any time I give her a song of the day (which really is just a song I really like) she has never turned one away, or said she didn't like it. Now I am not saying she has great taste in music. Cause that means I have great taste in music which is not really true. I like good music but I also like crappy music if it has emotional ties to me. What I am saying is that she likes my kind of music. She also is one of the best gamers I know. I still don't know anyone that can beat her in kills on ET even when she is using a touch pad. Then you add in the love of Anime and you get one cool chica. For all these reasons and much more is what makes Amanda Space cowgirl the person of the day.

A Saturday Night

What is a successful date? I do not know for myself for I still can count everyone I have been on. What we did and how it went. I can't say that any of them are successful. But the point of a date is to have fun, which means that any date I go on if I have fun, Success. Dating a friend is a lot different from other dating types. While other dates are about fun and deciding if you like each other. Dating friends is almost completely about just having a good time, while getting to know each othera little better. The only rule really is not to over step the friendship line. details, detail, I don't think I'm up for details. people can ask her about them. I just would like to say these things.

1. I really enjoyed myself.

2. She looked great (she said that she needed to change, but time did not allow it. I am thankful cause I don't think my system could handle anything more gorgeous then what I got.)

3. We went to a concert, danced and then walked from here to there. Meeting people and seeing things.

All good blogs must come to an end.

I Now have thoughts about ending this experiment with the blog. It was helpful and I think useful at times, yet I now think it may be a crutch. I used it to say things that I could not other wise say. To talk about myself and start conversations that I could not start in real life. This virtual life is no life however. The thoughts and feelings that I wish to express now can not even come out on this blog. The blog has lost it's magic for me. The words that I wish to put down I know will make it back to the person they are about. This was never meant to bring anything but joy to others, yet I know a few times that it has offended people. Wither by my own faults or theirs. The pain has been dealt. I pushed it off and now see another coming. I start to speak these words yet feel I shouldn't so hold them back. I chock on them and can't be myself. If I can't be honest here then I am not honest anywhere in this world. I will never speak truth in real life if I think that virtual truth is just as good. So the path splits again. Which one to take, I know that some people enjoy this blog so I will put it to a vote.

New place, New people

I have moved around a lot, compared to most people I know. This forces one to get new friends and enter new circles that one would other wise not be acceptable. I myself have learned things that I know would have taken much longer if I had settled into one place. The one that I am talk about now is the type of girls I hang with. In new mexico it was none. In Utah it was Indy and sporty. While here in Hawaii it's preppy, nerd, and foreigner. I think that it is interesting to learn about other peoples point of views and what type of people share the same ideas. Girls are interesting to start with. For their way of thinking is truly different from a mans. Then you add in all the differences of just that gender and you get truly delightful creatures.

Nihongo Sensai

So person of the day is my Japanese teacher. I find him very interesting and enjoyable. Not taking into account that his class is really hard and I suck at Japanese. He is always so funny and happy. He will take time out every class to tell stories. Whither about his kids or Japanese culture. And at least once a week he well go into allot of detail about a movie or the dating game. I think he loves to talk about people getting together. He is always asking how my girlfriend is. I always tell him that I do not have one and he says I should try harder. I have learned allot from him. If I could only remember half the stuff he taught I would be speaking very well by now. Yet, with all my class and laziness I find little time for study things I have already taken test on. I see him almost every morning and night. In the morning because of class and at night because he is always walking with his wife. He goes over many times how men need to treat their wives well and always let them know that they are loved. He seems to think that teaching good values is more important then teaching subject matter. I could not agree more. While we will be tested on subject matter the little things he has said about life will have much greater difference then how to say "domo arigato, Kajiyamasama"

Fighting Words

I love the question "have you ever been a fight?" I love asking it, I love getting it. I am just interested in what makes people hit one another. I just always thought every one got into fights as children. I didn't really see any way around it. It may have been that I was an easy target as a fat kid with an odd sense of humor. I also find it funny when people tell me they have never broken a bone. How can one get thought life with out it happening. I know that I'm not the safest person. I have hurt myself many times doing things humans shouldn't do. Yet this is why I don't think it funny when people tell me they've never had road rash. however I once broke my foot playing soccer. Soccer people, a sport that kids play the world over. These unbroken people don't know what it is to stare down at your foot and think. It's not spouse to look like that, right? they don't know what it is to feel a dull thud and then dizzying pain. They don't know these things and some might say that they are better for it. I say they are not. For if they know not these things how can they know the joy of over coming that pain. To know that these bodies of ours are fragile and still push on doing what needs to be done. To be kicked in the teeth and push yourself up, spit out the blood and fight on. To have dropped while climbing and slammed into the rock. Only to pause to catch your breath and head back up to finish the climb. Now I know that allot of my readers know what some or all these things are like. I know that my father has been in a few fights and knows that it is like to hit the pavement going faster then people really should. I know that Su understands the pain of fallen and looking back and laughing at it. I am not telling people to run out and get in fights and jump off cliffs. But to understand that this body is weak and to know that it is not immortal. Which is a weird feeling. Then while knowing that to get out there and do things that one feels is the right thing. Living life to it's fullest and fighting the good fight is the greatest feeling I know. This is but one man's ideals.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea
Shaving daily
Bad Idea
Using a straight edge
Good Idea
Going to the gym
Bad Idea
Trying to shave with a straight edge after going to the gym.
Very bad Idea
Thinking that you can shave your head with a straight edge after going to the gym.

So while today was very productive, it did end pretty fun. As I write this I am wearing a hat to keep the paper towels on my head. Under that hat and paper towels is a head that could be consider half shaved, but in a almost checker pattern. I will have to sleep like this and hope for better luck tomorrow. I have to find someone with a buzzer before someone tries to look under this hat.

This is what my razor looks like just incase people where thinking about it.

Pieta

The Triple Fool

THE TRIPLE FOOL.
by John Donne

I am two fools, I know,
For loving, and for saying so
In whining poetry ;
But where's that wise man, that would not be I,
If she would not deny ?
Then as th' earth's inward narrow crooked lanes
Do purge sea water's fretful salt away,
I thought, if I could draw my pains
Through rhyme's vexation, I should them allay.
Grief brought to numbers cannot be so fierce,
For he tames it, that fetters it in verse.

But when I have done so,
Some man, his art and voice to show,
Doth set and sing my pain ;
And, by delighting many, frees again
Grief, which verse did restrain.
To love and grief tribute of verse belongs,
But not of such as pleases when 'tis read.
Both are increasèd by such songs,
For both their triumphs so are published,
And I, which was two fools, do so grow three.
Who are a little wise, the best fools be.

Two thuds, one from out and one from in

Three fouls

I have had an epiphany. I am not running in the right direction. In the past few years, I tried so hard to get out of my rut that I didn't stop once I was out. In doing so I found a new self with the help from my brother. I have crafted this new self into myself and he is always with me now. Yet, I didn't stop running. I now understand that I've been running blindly and must stop and plan my next move. I am not low on fuel, just lost in the fields. Running towards a goal is the best way to get there. One just has to be sure his feet are quick to run towards good and not evil.

I have fallen, and the impact took my breath away. I hold to what my mother has told me about things. I am destined to be a loner for a long time now. Still, my eye gets caught on people from time to time. I think I can and have learned something from each of them. My feelings are unsure about how I should act. I know that my feelings are positive and I long to be near her, but is it right for me. Is it right for her. I knew how to treat a lady. This I was raised with. No harm will come to her by way of my hands. Nor do I wish to sting her with my words. I say however that maybe the choice is not mine alone. She should have some say in the matter should she not. This choice would affect her just as much as I. It's a gamble however, I wager a friend. In hopes of winning something more. I am going about this to weakly. I can win back friends that I have offend. I do it daily. The key is to let them know no offense was intended and that it will not happen again. The odds on this one are hard to tell. I have never been much for gambling. How ever I do love rolling the dice. Let us see what tomorrow brings first. and not be rash to quench my thirst.

I know who I wish for person of the day but have not the time to write it all out properly.

Person of the Day

Vasu is the only Aussie that I can stand to be around. Well really I only know two others and they live next door to me. Love to watch movies with the f word really loud and late at night. That is beside the point however. He from what I can tell loves people. He has found memories of home or at least of people he knows there. He has a legion of photos and other such things on his wall. He fills his room with memories of his time spent with people. As I am sure the time also fills his heart. Vasu is always up to go down to the beach. One might think he gets his pigmentation from the sun and not from DNA. He has lofty hopes of becoming a game designer. Which is funny cause we have not really had a good conversation on it. For I myself had hopes for the same not to long ago. One can not find his face with out it being plastered with a smirk. He is one of those people that can make your crappies jokes sound funny. He makes people fill good about them selves and I have yet to hear him say something negative about anyone. One gets the idea of pure confidence from him, yet if you scratch the surface you begin to see a humble individual. He always seems to be on the move. Vasu is always telling me about some soccer game he is going to or some other event he is trying to get together. He is the most avid commenter on other peoples blogs. Which is funny cause he writes little on his own. I was told him it was hard to read his cause they where all freaking easies. He then deiced to just put them on other peoples blogs where he could get away with it. I am on to you Vasu.

Letter from the wasteland

I found this letter I wrote along time ago. More from me later but this is neat.


Dear

I have recived a loss of virture. It seems so out of context in this gooty apartment complex. It has been realized that I am just a vister here. I am finaly seeing way I was the one worth leaving. One can never know what diffecense we make in the hearts and minds of those who we pass in life. You where the first girl that I had a rush of emotions for. I have liked other girls before but you seemed to like me back. This was an experiance that was completey unqiue in these years of life. I was slow on the pick up for I know not what i was feeling and how to react to it. Then another came along and took you away. We never had one another so to say "leaving" and "taken away", is most likely the wrong words. I still understand however that I was the reason for our lack of togetherness. All of this has the ring of creep to it but they are me feelings and I still have not the knowleage on how to express them. These words shall never reach you.